Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I was a student at UIUC last year and while there I dealt with a lot of racism and wanted to drop out really bad. I told my parents and they told me I was throwing my entire life away. Since I couldn't drop out I made the stupidest decision I could have ever made. I stopped doing my homework and skipped classes regularly and eventually got dropped from the school. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do but I was also on adderall,zoloft, trazodone and extensive amounts of ibuprofen and looking back I was not thinking clearly. Exactly one year ago today, while I was still a student there I wrote a suicide letter and sat in my room with a bottle of my medication debating on whether or not to drink it all. I hated what I was doing in school and could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror but I felt like it was my only option. I ended up falling asleep after about 20 minutes of crying into my pillow so my roommates would not hear me and I'm glad I did. After that day I realized that I was not doing the right thing but it was too late, I was already being dropped from school. Now a year later my younger brother is transferring to UIUC and wants me to go with him to register today. I want to go but at the same time it's so painful for me to even think about walking around campus and no longer being a student there when graduating from there was once all I wanted in life. I'm sitting here doing a final project for a class which is one of many I have been taking to get back in to UIUC but I can't stay focused. All I can think about is how I ruined my opportunity to graduate from a prestigious school and how my parents are so thrilled my brother is going there. I've learned a lot from my mistake but I can't shake the sadness I feel knowing what I did. I've never told anyone the real reasons I stopped doing hw and I don't want to especially not my parents who tend to respond "oh well, you're the one affected by that decision not me" despite all their criticisms. I want to move on with my life and get rid of this sadness but I have no idea how or where to begin.
it interferes with every thought, and it doesn't take long for it to happen. And, while you're dealing with the insanity, immersed in the situation, there is zero support. It's a war, at that moment
and people just try to survive in a war. You survived.
It is difficult to watch your proud parents and your younger brother. "Might Makes Right" in this country, once again, but racism is illegal and you can sue and you should if it happens again.
The problem is, people have gotten as sneaky as they are sadistic,
and it's as difficult to prove that the insanity is going on as it is to endure it.
Are you sure that you want to go back there? Is it your choice or what your parents want you to do? If you don't want it, you shouldn't even consider it. There are other choices.
Don't blame yourself. People judge and criticize, when they haven't lived one second of something. You are not the one who ruined your opportunity.... The big football player who was being bullied---
everyone was like, 'Why didn't he just hit him, etc?' Any reaction would have cost him the opportunity, and making the situation public almost certainly caused him additional pain from all the hopelessly uninformed criticism.
You're very young. You have other opportunities. One thing that can be helpful: whenever you begin to dwell on what you lost, what you endured, tell yourself a simple statement i.e., I regret what happened. It's in the past and I'm moving forward -- whatever sums things up, and if necessary, take some action, get up for just a minute, go get a drink of water, etc. to interrupt the thought pattern.
Wishing you good things in your near future and peace.
I understand what you are saying as far as distracting myself, I never really looked at it like that but I will definitely be giving it a try. Thanks.
Thanks to all of you that responded I appreciate it.