Hi this is my first time on a support group I found this when I contacted a Crisis textline. I have a long story as all of us battleing depression have. Long story short I haven't seen my father since second grade, I actually call him my sperm donor because a father is someone who cares about you, When I found out I had to spend a week with him I almost took my own life. I spent two weeks in a mental hospital and was stable ever since. In sixth grade I was diagnosed with a spinal cord tumor and right before my birthday found out that there was nothing they could do to help me. In 7th grade I had a surgery and they removed 30% off the tumor. When I came back most of my functions were gone and so were my friends. In 8th grade everything went downhill I was put in a intensive outpatient program for people with depression. Everything became too much with my sperm donor and my friends that I had planned out my whole suicide. I hid a bottle of pills in my room and was going to leave the note that I had written during math for my family. As the day went on I couldn't do it because I though I was being selfish by ending my pain but giving it to my family even though I still know that everyone would be better off without me here. I am also terrified of whatever happens when you die. I told my social worker and was put in a day program which I hated I actually lied and told my mom I was discharged when I wasn't but ended up telling her, I was lucky though I was almost put in an overnight program. Right now I am starting highschool in a couple of weeks and my latest thing has been swimming. I used to be a decent swimmer but when I came back in the pool it started to feel like torture. My mom seems to have made the decision for me she talks about my life like she knows what I'm doing. This may sound like no big deal but it is bothering me so much that I want to kill myself so I won't have to make the decision. I need any input anyone has to offer. Please help me, Thank you.