i tried to really hard to be ok today, but as I’m laying here crying I’m not ok, this is a difficult day for a lot of people, my mom and I were best friends, she was an amazing, kind , sweet woman and an alcoholic she did stop drinking five years before she died so I was proud of her, she always felt so guilty and bad for not stopping sooner.

i have to admit it did mess me up I am fighting with major issues because I never thought I was good enough for her to stop drinking which I know now is not the case but it’s that deep seeded self hate that brings me to where I am now, trying to get over a abusive relationship with a psychopath as well, I often ask myself why and I believe growing up feeling loved only part of the time might be an answer.

Some people say it’s the past your an adult now stop blaming things on your childhood I say to them fuck you, there is a deep hole in my soul and nothing seems to fill it, I try and make it day to day and some are better than others but then there is a day like today, mother’s day, it brings back all those crazy emotions, I know she loved me to the best of her ability, I really do, but I also remember the nasty things she used to say to me when she was drunk, so I grew up loving and hating at the same time 

i have been in denial all of my life until now and it’s a wave that crashes down upon me constantly, I couldn’t figure out how I could be with someone who treated me so bad (my ex)and now it’s becoming more clear, the other thing that is spinning me out of control today is that my ex has a daughter and he is now friends with her mother they will always have that bond he will always have his ex in his life she defends him because he is the father of her child yet he beat her and she even had a restraining order on him and he didn’t even care to speak with her now they are close, she never knew the reason in the beginning he told me he was being nice is because he didn’t want her to throw him in jail or take his license away due to lack of child support, while I sit here alone trying to not feel so broken, and alone, someone like him will always have them I just don’t get how horrible people can do better than good people, why does God or the universe work that way?

i don’t know, I hate when I get paralyzed with depression, I wanted to go to church today I rarely go I do believe in God and have a relationship with him just don’t go to church much the last times I went to church was with my ex, he would pretend to worship God yet tell me he was a demon, it was really insaine.

i am sitting here in a blacked out room yet the sun is shining outside, this is what it feels like just darkness and the light is so close yet I can’t reach it, why do some suffer so, I think I grew up believing I should suffer so my whole life I have, I have never once had a healthy relationship how I long for one, yet at times I do think I’m too messed up for anyone to handle, I put on a great show but deep inside is that little kid searching for unconditional love, I know I have to start by giving it to myself yet I just can’t seem too, so I’m letting it all out on here because I have no one that understands people think it’s all because my mom is no longer living but they have no idea how much more it is than that the trigger that this day brings on well holidays in general, it’s a really sad and scary time for a lot of us I know I’m not alone with this although I feel as I am as always...