I have gotten so used to pretending all is fine that I find I have to swallow and understand you can't see me so I can truly express myself on here. I am so tired of feeling sick. I was told in 2007 by a dermatologist that he suspected discord lupus cause of a rash in my ear. I ignored it and kept on trucking. In 2013 while working as sub rural carrier I developed symptoms of circulation problems and constant fatigue but I kept on trucking. Finally it seemed the lupus just took over my life. I am now on full disability at the age of 36, I look different (fat in my eyes), I have a 6-7 inch cut down my belly from having femoral bypass surgery, I'm constantly telling people what I can't do when I used to be doing everything and telling other people how to do everything else. I want what I thought my life would be to come back. I'm tired of being the sick sister out of three. I'm the baby sis but I don't want to actually be the "baby sis". I am so fortunate to have a loving mother who has supported me but I feel like I am draining the he'll out of her. Please don't say what others say "that's her job" I don't want it to be her job! I wanted to take care of her! I'm to tired to hold my head up for weeks at a time. Sometimes I feel it will never get better. I take Benlysta, cellcept, prednisone, plaquenel among other drugs. I don't know at times if it's side affects of meds or a lupus flare. I know better days will come eventually but I'm just so DAM tired! Thanks for listening and hopefully I will come back with something positive next time. Take care of yourselves!