I'm a total hypocrite. I do charity work and fund raising for suicide prevention, I work with mentally ill people and pretend I care. I put up this front of really having my shit together....But the truth is that I'm on the edge. I think about suicide all the time. If I did it everyone would be so shocked. I've gotten so good at putting up this fake front and fighting stigma, all the while I feed right into the hands of stigma. I don't want people to know anything that I'm struggling with, I don't want anyone to know about anything that has happened to me, or mistakes I've made. I don't want them to stigmatize me....My family has done it my whole life because they never understood my bipolar shit...So now, I fight for people like me, but really I'm not walking the walk. I tell people to speak out...But I don't. Never have. I have anxiety that is through the roof and is way harder to live with than the depression. I can turn a stupid comment into a unforgivable humiliating experience, that I just can't face...Yet...I keep going on acting as if everything is fine. It's not fine. I'm starting to drink for relief, I'v never done this before...But the last few months I come home and drink several times a week. all by myself...Sometimes I take a pain med as well. It's the only relief I feel...I feel like it's becoming a bad habit, I understand alcoholism now...I just don't have any place to turn. My family has their own problems and we don't speak of them with each other....It's just getting to be too much....I don't expect anyone to even read this....I just need some outlet...Some illusion of getting it out.... I'm just so so tired. It all seems so never ending and hopeless.