I don't really wish to go into detail at this time but basically the past few days symptoms of everything just seems to be getting worse except maybe today not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday was awful all over some f***ing bacon that was on the floor at work and then my co-worker asking/stating "it's it time for you to go home?" but it wasn't a question hence why I say stating too. I got along well with this guy he makes fun of me a lot but I'm a good sport about it and brush it off because they tell me even the guys I am close to just tell me there just having fun and that if it is an issue to just let them know. Well it became an issue but haven't said anything because without his humor work is actually really boring plus I figured i'd see how things went and if me and him could get along again. We did alright today at the end of the day but the morning and afternoon were miserable. Everyone kept asking me why I was being so quiet. It was like it was against the law to actually try and sit there all day and work without goofing off like we do for 2 - 3 hours every day.

All this said yesterday I was almost ready to attempt to just end it (my life) but I've never truly had the courage except that one time. (maybe i'll right about it some time) I been really tempted to go back to cutting all day yesterday and especially at the end of work all I could think about is that feeling of the blade cutting my skin and the blood running down my arm and how good it'll feel for the few hours the toxins last making me relaxed. During this time of thought I'm there feeling dizzy and day dreaming of what it's gonna be like to cut open my wrist again. the beautiful red blood which we need for survival slowly killing me but not enough to actually kill me. I miss those days sometimes when I start getting in that mood again.

I know I'm not alright I understand how bad this sounds and I'm not gonna kill myself intentionally yeah I might end up cutting too deep if I did cut but I don't think I'll even cut I'm doing all I can not too. but it's getting difficult. I don't see my therapist til Wednesday which sucks and I'm not even sure if I can talk to her about this it's so far in the past now I been doing so well why would I want to put myself behind when I only have roughly 3 months of therapy left because I can't go anymore...Whats gonna happen then. I never been stable outside of therapy since I started therapy I've needed it or else things get bad. I can't imagine myself without it but I just don't know whats gonna happen especially if something goes wrong.