I feel slightly self indulgent and self pitying writing this. But it's something that has always upset and confused me quite a lot. I seem to be invisible... even to people who care about me.

Yesterday I went to the doctors to get the results of a blood test. My boyfriend drove me there and waited in the car. When I got in I started talking to my Doctor and she began asking me questions about my sleep and food patterns etc. I told the truth, about how I'd been feeling extremely down and both my sleep and eating habits were awful. She looked my record up and noticed that my mental health plan had just gone out of date, so she and I went through the process and I was re-diagnosed.

Last year I was diagnosed with severe depression and moderate stress. Yesterday I was diagnosed with 'extreme severe depression' and moderate stress. Somehow looking at it in writing made it worse.

When I left the clinic my boyfriend seemed in a bad mood and he drove me most of the way home in silence. After a while of me staring blankly at the words on the paper work on my lap I said 'apparently I have extreme severe depression.' He didn't say anything at all. No one ever does. A few minutes later he made a comment about having to wait in the car longer than he expected.

This makes him sound horrible, he's not. It's just me. People are always like that about me. I sometimes feel like I could grab someone and scream 'I'm dying!' and they wouldn't acknowledge me.

People just don't seem to like me or care about me very much and I wish I knew what I'm doing wrong. I think a big part of my depression is this feeling of social alienation. But the few friends I do have are always evasive if I ever bring up anything to do with my mental health or if I want to talk about the traumatic things that have happened to me. I don't do it often... I'm deathly afraid of being draining and only talking about myself. So I rarely do. I'm a ghost in social situations these days, I just sit in the corner and listen politely.

It started with my Mother. She had some very narcissistic qualities and the only household topic of conversation allowed was her. especially when she'd been drinking (which was every night). She's a single Mother and I'm her only adult child. Until I moved out about two years ago my entire life was listening to her talk about her. She'd react with such rage if I ever said anything about myself, and accuse me of being narcissistic and selfish. It was so bad I wasn't even allowed to look sad. I'd come back from school each day and I had to sit and listen to her ramble for hours on end while she drank. If I looked sad or distracted for a split second she's instantly jump on it and attack me for 'not having any real problems.' Or being too selfish to care about my poor Mother.

Then her rage would last all night and she'd tear me to pieces, belittling everything about me. Instead of just being about her, her night-long rant would become about how much of a failure and a disappointment I am. And I'd just sit there and listen because it would be so much worse if I tried to leave, or if I yelled back.

I'm terrified of being like her. I'm terrified of constantly talking about myself. I'm terrified because there is a part of me that does hunger for attention like that.

I often hear people I know talk about mutual friends and say nice, supportive things like "I'm worried about X, they seem down lately." I see them be so kind to one another. And they praise each other. They compliment each other's personalities and say body positive things about each other. I can't even remember the last time anyone said anything nice about me. Even a 'are you okay?' from someone I know in real life would make my year.

My boyfriend is a wonderful, altruistic person. He's very christian, I am not, and we have philosophical differences. But one thing I've always loved about him is how kind and caring he is. He's always checking up on other people to see of they're okay, doing random good deeds, helping friends move at zero notice and other general good-guy-stuff. But even he never talks to me when I need it. He never asks me how I am and if I try to initiate a conversation I can tell from his body language he's uncomfortable.

There just seems to be something about me that repels people's compassion. I've been told that I sometimes seem cold and distant. But I'd do anything in the world for someone to see through that and be open to my more vulnerable side.