I can't stand being lonely anymore.  My loneliness is so bad that I begin to feel physical pain every time I try to be with someone but always ends up nowhere after a few minutes, to which I am almost forgotten.  I am left with the strong feelings of despair, sadness, and depression.  I keep getting told and keep reading that to help with loneliness I should get a pet to cheer me up.  I cannot have a pet.  I don't know how to take care of myself entirely and I need to support myself to begin with so I cannot support a pet.  Also, I do not live alone and the family I live with does not want anymore pets because they are found to be messy, expensive, and hard to take care of, especially exotic pets which I prefer.  Another option was communicating with people I don't know well.  I try and the conversation is short lived, ending after a few minutes or even half a minute and nothing else comes from it.  I have tried talking to people over the past few years only to have nothing happen.  I am told to go to group meetings and be with people I like.  I tried but for some flippin' strange reason my happiness with being around people I want to be with is coupled with sadness and despair like the people will never notice me or will forget me after trying to extensively talk to them.  I usually end up crying and going home.  I've tried several dating sites and even gone as far as hookup sites only to find out there is no such thing as a COMPLETELY FREE dating service.  It just costs too much and whoever tries to talk to me ends up deleting the profile eventually never to be heard from again or the messages end abruptly as if they have already found someone else.  I have been to a couple of psychologists many times only to recieve very little to no help or at least what I was expecting of psychology.  I take antidepressants which are now failing apparently.  To not be lonely I read to do community service... I am not into community service.  I read to stay away from apathetic people.  I am an apathetic person.  I don't understand emotions well, I don't express them enough physically, and I prefer working with objects much more than people.  Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Throughout my whole life, about 19.5 years, I never had a single friend, I'm not even kidding.  Around me in public, work, college I see friends and couples everywhere, giving each other company, warmth, affection while I stand or sit watching, petrified from my internal emotions and thoughts of despair and loneliness, always observing and questioning how in the Universe people even find others that are just right for them.  Even if I did have a GF to be with, all I would do is cry most of the time because that's just how my happiness is, it has to be coupled with sadness and despair for some odd reason.  I bet it would drive her away eventually as I would be seen as a big baby, over emotional, needy, helpless, and hopeless.  I have good qualities about me such as intellect and kindness.  Even my mother questions often why I do not have any friends despite my efforts in finding friends and my good qualities.  We are both stumped as to why I cannot have any relationships outside of my family no matter what I do.  I'm so lonely I cry myself to sleep into my dolphin, wolf, and komodo plushies over and over again wondering what is wrong with me and always feeling like the statement "There is someone for everyone" is a massive load of BS.  I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of being alone, having no one to cuddle with, having no one to be with and love with, if I even knew what love was.  Sure I have hobbies such as electronics, metallurgy, welding, blacksmithing, mechanical engineering, math, science, chemistry, physics, 3D printing, and designing, but I have lost all motivation to do any of those.  What is the point of performing my hobbies if I don't have anyone to enjoy and do my hobbies with?  My hobbies are too dang expensive as well.  I hate being alone, I've been alone for too long, I'm done with it.  It has made me tired of living, makes life feel pointless not having anyone to be and relate with.  I have potassium ferricyanide and hydrochloric acid and I can always mix the two to make hydrogen cyanide and end it.  I'm done.  I can't stand it anymore.