Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
My parents ended up hating each other and hating their kids because we are a representation of the other person. I heard the lovely and fuzzy feeling inducing "I wish you never born" plenty of times. My dad also told me and my siblings we were the reason for their divorce and he left because of us. The physical abuse was extreme and I have two untreated broken hands to prove it. Even worse than that was the emotional abuse. My parents felt that inflicting pain on their kids was somehow getting back at the other person. We were nothing more than pongs in a very sick game. I tried for years to get my dad's approval. He pushed me to go to college and even offered to pay for it because in his words I would die alone and nobody would want me if I wasn't successful. He said he would pay for it after I graduated because he thought I would drop out. I finished and graduated with honors with a degree in business, a major I didn't particularly like but did so to try to get his approval. He didn't show up at my graduation then said he changed his mind about paying for it. He later admitted to my mom that he used to make plans with my siblings and me then cancel at the last minute, just to hurt us. This is not even scratching the surface. I could fill pages.
My family of origin is totally fragmented and the only person I communicate with is my mom, but she is super toxic and I have to severely limit my interaction with her. The Bible admonishes parents not to provoke their children yet that is exactly what she does. Aside from my mom, if I don't call my siblings or my dad, they will never call me. It seems like my mom only calls me to torment me.
Needless to say there are no holidays, birthdays, etc. I have friends that go back years and they are like family, but it's just not the same. I have never been married due mainly to, as my old psychologist put it, "Major depression, recurrent and severe". Two other counselors told me I was one of the saddest, most difficult person they have ever treated. Not difficult in a sense of being an a hole or anything, but just deep profound sadness.
Families often reconcile, but not in this case. In fact, I don't even think I would want that to happen. Extended relatives are also pretty warped. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that my mom never showed any affection with me growing up, not even a single hug and never told us she loved us, ever! After my dad left she used to leave a 5 dollar bill on the counter in the mornings for food for the day.
I don't even know where I am going with this. Right now the depression and isolation are pretty profound. Like I said, the stuff described above doesn't even scratch the surface. I am really thinking about suicide. Nothing works. Therapy doesn't. Prayer doesn't. Helping others and volunteering doesn't. I just can't shake the feeling that I am a major pile of human excrement that was never meant to be born.
My family of origin is totally fragmented and the only person I communicate with is my mom, but she is super toxic and I have to severely limit my interaction with her. The Bible admonishes parents not to provoke their children yet that is exactly what she does. Aside from my mom, if I don't call my siblings or my dad, they will never call me. It seems like my mom only calls me to torment me.
Needless to say there are no holidays, birthdays, etc. I have friends that go back years and they are like family, but it's just not the same. I have never been married due mainly to, as my old psychologist put it, "Major depression, recurrent and severe". Two other counselors told me I was one of the saddest, most difficult person they have ever treated. Not difficult in a sense of being an a hole or anything, but just deep profound sadness.
Families often reconcile, but not in this case. In fact, I don't even think I would want that to happen. Extended relatives are also pretty warped. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that my mom never showed any affection with me growing up, not even a single hug and never told us she loved us, ever! After my dad left she used to leave a 5 dollar bill on the counter in the mornings for food for the day.
I don't even know where I am going with this. Right now the depression and isolation are pretty profound. Like I said, the stuff described above doesn't even scratch the surface. I am really thinking about suicide. Nothing works. Therapy doesn't. Prayer doesn't. Helping others and volunteering doesn't. I just can't shake the feeling that I am a major pile of human excrement that was never meant to be born.
I've had so many problems with my family, mostly when growing up. It's so hard to learn to like yourself. Someone like me would look at you as being successful and intelligent. I'm 45 and have only just begun my education. It took me that long to get the nerve to do it and I am struggling like hell because emotionally, I'm pretty broken.
Someone once told me, "God doesn't make junk." Unfortunately, that same person sometimes treated me that way, but I do think it's the truth. Your feelings of hopelessness and wanting to die really are normal reactions to what you've been through. Unfortunately, our parents don't always give us what we need, then we find ourselves grown up and struggling to give it to ourselves. It takes a lifetime to figure out or compensate for what our parents didn't give us.
I'm with you in how you feel. I am really very broken right now, and don't see any light anywhere. I know the facts, but I'm just very tired of it all. I hope you will come through some of this and see some light. I would imagine you have the potential to help many people and you probably have a lot to give. I hope you can find some reason to keep going.
Your depression is telling you that you're excrement. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I don't know how much therapy you've tried, how many different therapists. I think I've seen 8 or more therapists and only one sort of clicked. That's one of the crummy things about treating this disease, you have to make so much effort to get results. But I don't believe anybody is a hopeless case.
You didn't mention medication, have you tried that? There are things that work, there really are. Depression tells us we're unique, we're beyond hope, we're the one case that can't be helped -- but it's not true.
I had a painful childhood too (nothing like yours, but bad). I have one brother who is a good guy but he's so successful and perfect it's depressing to be around him, which is fine because he lives in another state and I don't see or talk to him much. Like you, I want a loving family but it's never going to happen. Our challenge is to accept the fact that we don't (and didn't) have that and move forward. Easier said than done, I know.
Please, please don't consider suicide. If you did it, you'd just be letting the cruel people win. Please call somebody, a friend or a crisis line. I really want you to get through this. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}