Hi all, just need to rant today, so bare with me. I've been emotionally abused by the people in my life for as long as I can remember. I've literally given up on forming friendships/relationships because of this. I feel like my life would be better if I was alone. Seriously, why do people have to cut into me all the time? Then complain that I'm so misrable or pathetic? Why can't they see that's it them that makes me so misrable and unhappy? Is it that hard for people to see what they do to other people? I wish I was a heartless monster like them, then maybe I wouldn't feel like this all the time.

My younger brother, aged 25 (1 year younger) is a spoilt little brat. Always has been and probably always will be. He finished college on my mother's dime, now he's lazing around the house playing video games all day, every day and he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. He doesn't even care about our pets. He's a typical arogant alpha male type.

Today, the kitchen towel was wet, so I hung it up to dry out. Normal thing to do, right? My immature brother goes to dry his hands, complains that it's wet and says I should have got another one out. It was only just got out this morning, we can't exactly afford to keep washing towels, especially because he doesn't pay for anything. He also doesn't lift a finger to help in this house. I told him that the towel was a new one, he starts calling me pathetic for not getting a new one out. I tell him that his tantrum over a slightly wet towel is pathetic and he starts calling me stupid. He gets a new one out, hits me in the face with it, laughs and calls me pathetic again.

At that point, I wanted to stab that smug little prick. Does he not realise that what he did over a slightly wet towel was pathetic? I've seen toddlers behave that way, not grown men.

Then yesterday, my mother decided to have a go at me for another stupid reason. My sister doesn't really speak to my mother or anyone in the family that much. She left when she was 16 and I kinda wish that I did too. Not to say that it was exactly easy for her though. Her first boyfriend was emotionally abusive towards her, just like our mother really. Her second boyfriend beat her up and held her arm against the hot stove. Now her third boyfriend and husband has lost his job and is living off her. My sister has 2 kids and she's an alcoholic. My mother doesn't understand any of this, she just thinks that my sister likes playing the victim for attention.

Anyway, my sister has been diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and told that she needs to stop drinking or she's going to die basically. She asked my mother for a small loan for the rehab. She's going private this time because she's already been through the NHS twice and she couldn't stop drinking. My Mum barges in my room to tell me this and starts calling my sister pathetic. I tell her that she can't help her addiction, that's why it's called an addiction and then she starts going off at me, saying that I'm stupid, I don't understand. Siding with my sister is pathetic.

Both my mother and younger brother have mild learning difficulties, so maybe I can chalk up their childish behaviour to that, or maybe I am the one that's really stupid and pathetic. I really wish that I could move away and be done with them forever, but I can't afford to at the moment and my agoraphobia keeps me stuck in this house with these horrible people.

I feel like I've conquered a lot over the past few years... by myself too. I used to (self harm) cut at least twice daily, but I haven't cut in nearly 2 years now. I'm forcing myself to get out the house more. Only for an hour at a time, but my panic attacks are getting less severe and my depression doesn't make me want to kill myself all day everyday. I can almost look in the mirror and not completely hate what I see. I just wish that I could ignore the comments that I constantly get from my family, then maybe I'll make it out of here alive.