First- I am sorry for the loss of your wife. That must have been a bitter blow to you.

My therapist said once that depression isn't always your enemy. It often mainfests itself for a reason. I'm not going to tell you its not your fault- what good would that do? There is no time table for grieving. Getting past depression isn't like getting over a cold- you can't wait 7-10 days and you won't be depressed anymore. So why try and shove it away like an enemy? Accept this for what it is- your spouse has passed away and you are brutally hurt by the loss. The depression is part of that grief. Don't try to bury it. It's OK to feel depressed and at a loss.

I promise you, when the time is right you will know it. You are a strong person, much stronger than you probably believe. You will know when that time is right to confront the depression. and you'll beat it.

tank you for your reply but I have people that count on me and I have to be there for them. I am a stay at home care giver and I care for my father who is dometed and incontinent and an aunt who is also domented and they both have conguestive heart desaese. I am doing a OK job at careing for them but know I could do better. It is the only thing I do and it is not something I want to do but must do. They cared for me so now Its my turn. I still have many triggers for my depression that I must just endure. I am strong and I have had many loved ones add weight to my already burdened shoulders. I cant say no to the serious problems that my family have. It is sad that I am the most sane person left amongst my loved ones not having anyone to confide in is sad. My son was taking from me because I take care of my father and I think that is fucked up Just venting

Hey sweetie. To answer your question, yes sometimes my depression takes hold of me without me even knowing it, or like you said, it sometimes seems to 'sneak up on me'. I understand you are tired and drained. Alot of us with depression feel like that alot of the time, regardless of our circumstances.

What I would ask for you to do, instead of getting ' mad ', come to a place of acceptance of where you are RIGHT NOW. I am speaking about you internalizing the anger. You have every right to be mad. You lost your precious wife and you lost custody of your son. Who wouldn't feel anger about that? along with so many other emotions. I just don't want you directing the anger at yourself. You say you are a lazy ass? I know better than that. You are a FULL TIME carer for your father and your Aunt. That is work. Give yourself the credit you deserve for doing such a loving thing for them. I know how hard the situation is for you to not have your son and only getting to see him once a month. That is so hard. Sweetie, you lost your wife only a few months ago and you went through a long ordeal with her being very sick. I can't even imagine that. I am not sure you are allowing yourself this time you need to go through the grieving process, like you feel like you should be ' so much better by now'. You are really hard on yourself and you know I'm right. I want you to really try to give yourself credit for what you ' are doing' and the progress you 'are making', because I know you are making progress. You have alot of strength, I see it. I don't know exactly what to tell you to motivate yourself except maybe make small goals for yourself and give yourself the time to reach them without putting alot of pressure on yourself. Just set them and move forward with them at your own pace. I mean, you say you spent 2 days working on your house and yard. Well that is 2 days you did it so take some pride in that.

You are an asset to this group and I am blessed to call you my friend. You know I always wish you the very best. Keep on keeping on..

(((((((( BIG HUGS ))))))))

LMT

As you can now tell by my other posting my depression has just sky rocketed and now I will spend a lot of time thinking about stuff that has and still hurts me. The ranting has begun

Rant away. It's better than holding it in.

You know how much I care.

LMT

you have alot of wisdom been depressed since I came down the chute ,,,,,, alot of abuse molestation and a very tragic childhood but I became a music teacher and I play drums now that I am retired my depression bad real bad and I just take it a day at a time but anger got me out of bed to wash sheets and make a lunch live alone with dog am fifty eight gay and did not fit in to my redneck religious family so I am the outcast, but I am the gifted one,, i had a great life as a teacher so I am not feeling sorry for myself ,, have a decent retirement but without those students love and being on disability due to 2 bouts of cancer I am not actually a happy camper I do alot as I can like I started a room in here for GLBT and i fight the best I can,, so I do get it,, sometimes I am sure my depression was a chemical imbalance from many traumas it is cool i learned to be a musician in school band saved my life saved alot of kids lives but for me I live with suicidal thoughs as a way of life and chase them away with therapy journaling helping others on here my dog anything in my toolbox lex apro gym but aging and getting older taking a toll hard to have a partner when you are a tortured musician I undestand loss I understand how you are coping,,, maybe just find some more tools for the toolbox best wishes sorry for your loss of wife bmw