I've been feeling depressed on and off for a long time now. I got into a relationship and I felt so happy and he treated me like gold. I recently felt very bad again. I told him I felt depressed and generally ill and that I was going to the doctors, I asked if he'd come for support (as he's asked me many time's to go with him). However I never really showed how bad I felt and only saw him on days where I felt like I could act "normal". Even though, it has started to feel like he's withdrawing, which made my depression worse as I felt like I contributed towards his wthdrawal. When I went to the doctors, he "forgot" to meet me there and it turns out I have had ongoing Vitamin B12 and iron deficiency which has made me ill and depressed. I have to have injections every 3 months for the rest of my life.

I currently have to have these injections weekly to get the vitamin into me. The doctors says I should start seeing results after the third injection but at the moment I still feel very depressed. As much as I try to stay positive, the truth is I can't fake it all the time. When he see's me sad he'll just tell me to "cheer up" etc and it's not like i'm expecting him to cure me but I just want him to act like he used to. I want to be happy so he will do. At the moment though, I just feel like avoiding him so I don't have the added pressure of faking it anymore.. because I don't feel like he supports me when I am sad. I've read plenty of websites saying I shouldn't expect him to either, so I'm very confused about what I should expect from him. I feel like I either have to be happy (when I can't really be.. ) or break up with him so he doesn't have to put up with me. I've tried taking to him about him withdrawing but he either says he doesn't know what i'm talking about, i'm picking fights or that he'll make more of an effort, then doesn't. Recently my self esteem and sex drive has gone downhill because I stupidly asked if he prefers smoking filter to having sex with me and he said laughed and hinted towards yes. When I was visibly upset, he said "well you asked!" and I didn't even say anything back out of fear or looking like I was picking another fight. I feel like although he contributed towards my sadness, it's always my fault for doing things in the first place. e.g If i'm hurt that he wants to go on holiday with friends instead of me now, it's my fault for not having many friends I can go on holiday with. I never know whether he's in the wrong, whether I am, whether I have a right to be hurt or I should break up with him or whether it's just the depression clouding my judgement.

I've been trying to focus on myself but nothings working out, can't find a job, any classes to join and have only 1 friend to spend time with which isn't a lot. His social life is packed and everything just seems to come to him. I feel this is why he takes me forgranted so much nowadays.

I'm just venting.. having a very bad day. Any advice is always appreciated.