Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
First, I want to say that nothing terrible has ever happened to me. And yet depression hits me, I hate that, I see other people actually dealing with horrible things, some of them still going on, others who need help, I wish I could provide it, but I'm just not good at that, or really anything.
Second is that the reason I go into depression is because I feel like I am awful and worthless, you don't know me, but basically I have been given every chance to succeed, and yet I fail, at everything. There are only two things I want in life, people to care about me, I don't have this because I am horrible at social interaction, even though people are pretty much all I care about. The second is I want to deserve being cared for, being someone who other people like and love, but I'm not.
The other day I was feeling depressed and riding my bike home, I wasn't paying attention to my surrounding and almost got ran over, they had to swerve and even then they were inches from me. I had the initial feeling of, oh my gosh, I had the initial response of oh my gosh, but then it was like darn all this mess was almost done with, I almost didn't have to worry about not doing anything right, I was so close to being free from this burden, afterlife or not. I still kinda feel that way, it would be better to just be dead and not have to worry about all the stuff I mess up and that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. And that all the things I see as meaningful, I don't have. I feel worthless and there is no point in having worthless things around.
A friend told me that I'm not bad, that I'm far better than a lot of others who actually do horrible things. And that's true, I guess, and I do care more about not being a bad person over being a competent one, but if I were dead I'd also not be a bad person, I'd be a deceased one. Heck, if I never existed it would have been better, I wouldn't have been a burden on my parents, we were extremely poor and having one less child to worry about would have made things a good bit easier on them. Six of us had to live in a 600 sq foot apartment which we rented from a friend for a few years, it was pretty cheap and still we were struggling just to pay the bills.
But I did exist, I am alive, and I don't have the courage to kill myself, I just wish I had something that made my life feel meaningful, not just a waste of space that not even I enjoy being here. . I guess it's better now that I'm not underneath anyone else, but just supporting myself, when I'm not even glad to be alive, what's the point? I don't know, I just can't seem to get out of this feeling of despair, self-loathing, and just feeling like I'm the most incompetent and purposeless person alive. Why am I around if being around just makes me and everyone else I know hate me more. If I keep messing up and making mistakes and do nothing right and can't even get people to like me, then why am I still bothering?
Second is that the reason I go into depression is because I feel like I am awful and worthless, you don't know me, but basically I have been given every chance to succeed, and yet I fail, at everything. There are only two things I want in life, people to care about me, I don't have this because I am horrible at social interaction, even though people are pretty much all I care about. The second is I want to deserve being cared for, being someone who other people like and love, but I'm not.
The other day I was feeling depressed and riding my bike home, I wasn't paying attention to my surrounding and almost got ran over, they had to swerve and even then they were inches from me. I had the initial feeling of, oh my gosh, I had the initial response of oh my gosh, but then it was like darn all this mess was almost done with, I almost didn't have to worry about not doing anything right, I was so close to being free from this burden, afterlife or not. I still kinda feel that way, it would be better to just be dead and not have to worry about all the stuff I mess up and that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. And that all the things I see as meaningful, I don't have. I feel worthless and there is no point in having worthless things around.
A friend told me that I'm not bad, that I'm far better than a lot of others who actually do horrible things. And that's true, I guess, and I do care more about not being a bad person over being a competent one, but if I were dead I'd also not be a bad person, I'd be a deceased one. Heck, if I never existed it would have been better, I wouldn't have been a burden on my parents, we were extremely poor and having one less child to worry about would have made things a good bit easier on them. Six of us had to live in a 600 sq foot apartment which we rented from a friend for a few years, it was pretty cheap and still we were struggling just to pay the bills.
But I did exist, I am alive, and I don't have the courage to kill myself, I just wish I had something that made my life feel meaningful, not just a waste of space that not even I enjoy being here. . I guess it's better now that I'm not underneath anyone else, but just supporting myself, when I'm not even glad to be alive, what's the point? I don't know, I just can't seem to get out of this feeling of despair, self-loathing, and just feeling like I'm the most incompetent and purposeless person alive. Why am I around if being around just makes me and everyone else I know hate me more. If I keep messing up and making mistakes and do nothing right and can't even get people to like me, then why am I still bothering?
I know I'm never going to have career success, and probably not personal success, I like the ability to, I wish I could a least have personal success, to me that means having people like me and care about me, but I'm just horrible with people, I am extremely socially awkward, some of that is from being home schooled most of my life, the other of that is me just being bad with talking to people, stupid crap all the time, the only time I don't say stupid stuff is when I fear saying something stupid and say nothing at all, which actually is often, but that doesn't get me anywhere either, because no one really likes people who just keep to themselves, I want to be more open to people, but when I do I just say or do the wrong things. I feel like I'm hopeless, and won't ever succeed, and I guess I don't have to, I just want to be there for other people, but even in that I can't because I become fearful I'll still just do the wrong things. The only thing I care about, other people, and I can't get myself to help them, or to make them happy. Selfishly I also wish they would like me, but that just doesn't happen, and why would it, I really am as bad as I say.
I just, I don't know, I wish I felt that I would get better in time, but I don't feel like I will, I feel like I'm just on a downward spiral going nowhere fast.