I thought my depression ended but it keeps coming back. Thoughts of jealousy and anger while I see people I care about basically enjoying each other and wishing I could be part of it. The people who are trying to help me telling me to either drop these people or give them space.

One of my best friends is having suicidal thoughts over a fandom she's in. She won't talk to me due to the fact I hurt her feelings over holding in not liking the same thing she liked. I hope she can survive until the vacation so we can talk again, I really want to talk to her and be her close confidant again.

Some days I break out crying and I just want the feelings to stop so I can focus on what I love. I used to roleplay to ignore what little I had and appreciated the collaboration. Making characters, going on adventures, it was like living childhood through my adulthood. Yet these people I care for made things a little too hard when my replies weren't enough. Telling me how I'm different from when they first met me.

I miss it. I'm sorry I keep hurting people. I just wish I could be up to people's standards so they could come back. I hate my mind is on a emotional roller coaster and I have to keep holding back violent thoughts so I don't hurt anyone. I wish someone I could talk to as a equal without being afraid of losing them.

I wish I had a job so I wouldn't have to worry about not going to therapy sites for lack of money. Sleep doesn't help, comapnionship does.