I wish I was smarter.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was more disciplined
I wish I never tried drugs
I wish I had different friends
I wish I had a different family
I'm a 24 year old dude and I have a hard time accepting that I have to leave my "friends" behind.Those "friends" that make me feel weird for staying home and working on my future instead of blowing my money on drugs.My mom,my dad,my brother,all my friends.They all have zero ambition to do anything more with themselves or explore life.Whenever I want to do something new or play a show I always have to go by myself because everyone in my social circle would rather stay home and play beer pong for the thousandth time.I've always felt an intense pull towards creative pursuits(music, movies,drawing,etc) and I work really hard everyday to get better at those skills.Life feels so rich and purposeful when I read a good book.But then I realize no one around me has any clue what I'm talking about if I make a reference to it and when I explain the reference I feel like a fucking know it all freak trying to feel smart or something.I moved in with one of my "buddies" that I thought had my back and was trying to create a better future for himself,but now he just tries to sell me drugs and deal with his life through avoiding problems.I myself have a pretty bad drug addiction(I've done everything except heroin) and that is part of the reason I'm so behind.I told him this thinking it would catch some sympathy and he'd stop asking,but nope.Then he let this deadbeat dude move in.Can't hold a job, pretty sure he's got some sorta bipolar shit goin on and in general he's bitter about his life.This is a problem for me because he sabotages my music career and tries to make me feel like a weirdo for working on myself every chance he gets.I've explained this to my "buddy", but he legit doesn't care how I feel about this because he's the exact same way now.I have a lot of people in my social circle that are pretty decent musicians and they say they want a music career, but they don't think practically and won't practice by themselves.This is the hardest part for me.I know I need to start reaching out to other musicians,but where I live pretty much every musician outside of my circle so far has been in their late 30's and only wants to play covers and live in the past.I keep having dreams where my teeth rot out and I know that means something in my psyche is changing, but I don't know what.Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I fucked up the first 24 years of my life hanging around losers that just wanna talk about getting stuff done.It seems like the only way to get where I want to be in life is by embracing solitude and alienating myself for a year or two.I rememebr when I was a kid I had these intense waves of fear because I just felt so alone and small.I'd think about how we're just a bunch of talking monkeys on a rock floating around a fireball suspended by nothing and fucking cry at the meaninglessness of all this.Then i'd start beating myself up for taking this all so seriously and not believing in magic or whatever the fuck gravity is.That's why I feel bad leaving these people.Those feelings were gone for so long thanks to them.As I write this I'm realizing my relationships so far have had the same purpose as the drugs.And now I feel like these relationships are a complete waste of my time and I feel guilty for calling a person a waste of time.It's like my brain won't let me just believe something like I always end up talking myself into nihilism to the point where I anticipate it. Like as soon as I get excited I think about how it's probably just dopamine or serotonin being released in my brain because I ate some chocolate or something.I just want to be a kid and believe in santa and god again.I don't hate life. I just don't believe in it .
Time to make some changes.
Thanks for listening and I hope you have a meaningful day :)
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