Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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IamVVess 08/13/2019

I wish I was smarter.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I was more disciplined

I wish I never tried drugs

I wish I had different friends

I wish I had a different family

I'm a 24 year old dude and I have a hard time accepting that I have to leave my "friends" behind.Those "friends" that make me feel weird for staying home and working on my future instead of blowing my money on drugs.My mom,my dad,my brother,all my friends.They all have zero ambition to do anything more with themselves or explore life.Whenever I want to do something new or play a show I always have to go by myself because everyone in my social circle would rather stay home and play beer pong for the thousandth time.I've always felt an intense pull towards creative pursuits(music, movies,drawing,etc) and I work really hard everyday to get better at those skills.Life feels so rich and purposeful when I read a good book.But then I realize no one around me has any clue what I'm talking about if I make a reference to it and when I explain the reference I feel like a fucking know it all freak trying to feel smart or something.I moved in with one of my "buddies" that I thought had my back and was trying to create a better future for himself,but now he just tries to sell me drugs and deal with his life through avoiding problems.I myself have a pretty bad drug addiction(I've done everything except heroin) and that is part of the reason I'm so behind.I told him this thinking it would catch some sympathy and he'd stop asking,but nope.Then he let this deadbeat dude move in.Can't hold a job, pretty sure he's got some sorta bipolar shit goin on and in general he's bitter about his life.This is a problem for me because he sabotages my music career and tries to make me feel like a weirdo for working on myself every chance he gets.I've explained this to my "buddy", but he legit doesn't care how I feel about this because he's the exact same way now.I have a lot of people in my social circle that are pretty decent musicians and they say they want a music career, but they don't think practically and won't practice by themselves.This is the hardest part for me.I know I need to start reaching out to other musicians,but where I live pretty much every musician outside of my circle so far has been in their late 30's and only wants to play covers and live in the past.I keep having dreams where my teeth rot out and I know that means something in my psyche is changing, but I don't know what.Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I fucked up the first 24 years of my life hanging around losers that just wanna talk about getting stuff done.It seems like the only way to get where I want to be in life is by embracing solitude and alienating myself for a year or two.I rememebr when I was a kid I had these intense waves of fear because I just felt so alone and small.I'd think about how we're just a bunch of talking monkeys on a rock floating around a fireball suspended by nothing and fucking cry at the meaninglessness of all this.Then i'd start beating myself up for taking this all so seriously and not believing in magic or whatever the fuck gravity is.That's why I feel bad leaving these people.Those feelings were gone for so long thanks to them.As I write this I'm realizing my relationships so far have had the same purpose as the drugs.And now I feel like these relationships are a complete waste of my time and I feel guilty for calling a person a waste of time.It's like my brain won't let me just believe something like I always end up talking myself into nihilism to the point where I anticipate it. Like as soon as I get excited I think about how it's probably just dopamine or serotonin being released in my brain because I ate some chocolate or something.I just want to be a kid and believe in santa and god again.I don't hate life. I just don't believe in it .

Time to make some changes.

Thanks for listening and I hope you have a meaningful day :)

Scaredandafraid 08/13/2019

I too am a musician. I personally find collaborating with other musicians painful because everyone has a particular style for the most part. So i work creatively on my own. I have an alesis trim machine that i can use for my beats, my pedalboard can make my guitar sound like a bass and at some put i want work on vocals which is terrifying to me but on three plus side, it is MY creation. What i envision. You don't need to feel guilty about wanting more. Just don't put others down in your pursuits to be better. If they can't accept it, oh well. Live for you

IamVVess 08/13/2019

Thanks man.After walking away and reading my post again I realize I'm still pretty caught up in trying to get people to be exactly the way I want them to be.Think the right course of action is to just accept the way they are and work around it..Acceptance is such a hard concept to master.

Also,I understand how scary vocals can be to work on.Something that helped me is to just see the voice as another instrument and just sit in a room by myself making noises and getting to know what my voice can do.I got that idea from a chris cornell interview he said that's what he did to get over the fear.

Thanks for responding have a good day :)

orion777 08/13/2019

Hi thx for voicing ur fears. I have a friend who is in his late 60s he played pro with some big names. I work/worked in the creative fields and workec w musicians and was in a relationship w one. You have to be careful as the artform produces a strange breed
My old timer friend said watch out for the drugs and the ppl they will eat u alive. He said always have a backup career too. All my successful creative friends have a second career and really avoid the drug scene. Ive blocked numbers from ppl who call me day and night to get high they just dont let go. I dont go out anymore but i was clean for my work drug test. Go thru your life with a machete and Get Those Ppl Out!

orion777 08/13/2019

Btw ur way smarter than u think cause u logged on and posted here....u r just mad at urself for previous mistakes. "The only moment is now, past no future to focus on. Everything happens in the present moment." Sorry to preach u just seemed like u needed some encouragement.

Beanheadamy 08/13/2019

The great thing about being in your 20’s is that it’s like a second puberty. Who we are at 24 is totally different than who we are at 34.
You’re only goal should be personal growth. I suggest moving cities and finding new friends. It’s scary at first, but you’ll be in hypergrowth. Two years from now you’ll look back and wonder who that person was. You’ll be alright.

Scaredandafraid 08/13/2019

While i agree with what beanheadamy says, sometimes moving isn't an option because of expense etc. But she is right. The problem is most of us forget to love like that. I personally was just like your friends until my late 20s. You are far ahead of the game with the goals you have. I look Back and wish i could have done my high school years and 20s completely different. At some point your friends will see it too and will be envious of your success and growth. You put it best. Don't expect anything from them.and don't let them deter you from your path or your goals. You are living for you not them so thier acrossshould have beating on what you are striving to be

catch_the_music 08/17/2019

Congratulations for having a vision of being a musician. It sounds like you just need a regular dose of encouragement to keep practicing and heading in the right direction. The good thing is you are young. Redirecting your path in your 20's is perfectly acceptable. Don't worry about what other people around you think (or do) - you are on the right track! When I was in my 20's I found a good group of encouraging minded people at a local church. We would rally together to be the best people we could be - whatever our career choice was. One of the best decisions I ever made. If I were you I would read about inspiring musician stories - people like Bart Millard of Mercy Me. KLOVE radio station has a ton of great turnaround stories told by musicians. Good luck my friend! Stay focused on moving forward. Prayers for your success!

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