Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Friend19 09/16/2014

What if your head is so fucked up you can't tell if you are the victim or the monster? I seem to have a track record of self sabotaging friendships and relationships. I had recently come in contact with a man with schizophrenia and who I've been led to believe is off his meds. I pushed him out because I felt uncomfortable around him. I knew of some things about him that made him a threat. I sucked a bunch of people into this drama, and now I feel very much guilty for everything. I accused him of stalking me. I don't know if he is, but my head is so screwed and warped. I swear he's around every corner, or hidden in a shadow. Past few nights I've been in a almost delusional or hysterical state. I'm already usually pretty manic and blue at night anyway. I'm lucky I have a friend who is listening to my texts, trying his best to give me some sense of comfort. But I can't tell if he really was the villain, or if I am. Maybe I just pushed out someone..For the exact same reasons so many have pushed me out. Because I scare people. I am a scary monster. I have can't even keep track of who I am from one minute to the other. I look in the mirror and I'm lost. I can't find any reason to fix myself, I feel like I'm worthless. I find myself questioning why anyone would even want to stalk me. I'm ugly both inside and out.

Thank you for listening.
HUGS

gramybear 09/16/2014

From what I have read in your post, it sounds more to be like you are protecting yourself, not trying to sabotage a friendship. If you feel uncomfortable around him, then you must go with your gut. Rarely does our gut lie to us. You have your own problems to deal with, you don't need to add someone else's into the mix. It's very possible that he is stalking you. Stalkers are very sneaky. There are a lot of reasons to fear them. I don't believe for a minute that you are ugly, inside OR out. Are you on any medication? Do you have a therapist to talk to? I think you are being way too hard on yourself and causing yourself a lot of hysteria. I hope you will call your physician and let him/her know what is going on and see what their next step is to help you. Oh yea, and you are NOT worthless either. Hugs GB

looney1 09/16/2014

Yes you might be trying to protect yourself and be triggered by this poor soul but are using the wrong methods to do it. I've been guilty of this myself. Don't let paranoia and judgement rule your life.
You could probably benefit enormously from cognitive behaviour therapy or even dialectic behaviour therapy. They will help you control and sort your thoughts and understand which ones to believe and which ones to discard. Good luck

Friend19 09/16/2014

Neighbors have told me they seen a man lurking on property. Today I had a meeting with apartment management at which point the lawn service man admitted he was on my property at that said time. But he denies poking around my car or peeking in my windows. The person I accused has left gifts on my property. I told him we was only friends and nothing more, several times, so the gifts were very uncomfortable for me. The obvious of him has ceased since I pushed him out, and now it's only a question of was it him or not that has continued. I don't know if it's coincidences, my paranoia. I don't know. Red flags shot up immediately after we exchanged FB because he has pictures that were familiar to me, maybe from another website. But I don't use that many. Could he have been from here? I don't know .So I have from day one been paranoid of him tracking me from somewhere. I go back and forth between all of this, and maybe I'm just sick and I'm only finding reasons to push literally everyone away from me. I don't know what to think. I need to find some sense of solid ground, and just breathe.

briste 09/17/2014

I know what you are going through. I've been screwed myself. My ex husband was a stalker. He actually slept under my bed under my trailer. I would have my dog with me when I went outside after dark. She pointed him out, in ths bush's every time. Don't try to second guess yourself. Put a stalking order on this guy. Ask your neighbors to take pictures when they see him on the property. It sounds like you are scared. That is a healthy emotion trying to protect you.
You are not Ugly...he is. Call the police. Protect yourself.

briste 09/17/2014

I meant to say I have stalked (not screwed), sorry bout the mistake.

vallonzek 09/17/2014

you are a nice person who tries to see the best in most people and tries to help when you can

this is what the monsters are drawn to, so, you will get a lot of them

so you have a choice... stop being who you are (nice, helpful, etc) or learn to protect yourself from the monsters that are drawn to you

i HIGHLY reccomend the latter, because youre a good person and id hate to see you change in order to protect yourself... instead, i reccomend taking self defense courses, and as i said earlier, get a large dog

stalkers dont like dogs, and they REALLY dont like karate chops to the throat

youre a good person just the way you are, please dont let the monsters make you into something youre not

*hugs*

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