Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I know, I haven't been on here in A LONG time, and I'm starting to think now is as good a time as any to rejoin DS and see what's going on but this post is about something that's not only starting to bother me, but possibly effect my relationships with other people as well.
So, this has been going on for years. I think I even posted here when it first started to become noticeable (I don't feel like digging for it) and maybe a little context is necessary to help you understand why this has become a problem.
I used to have problems with depression, sometimes getting so bad that I would just stop eating for days and if I slept at all it would only be an hour or two a day. That was at my worst, and not eating usually wasn't even a choice. It was like some nerve inside me that was usually supposed to sense hunger just turned off or something. I wouldn't get hungry and sometimes even the smell of my favorite food would just make me nauseous instead of hungry. Because of the lack of sleep or eating I lost weight and often couldn't even think straight because I was ALWAYS tired but never really able to sleep enough. I eventually failed out of college because I simply couldn't keep up with it anymore (I'm hoping to go back soon). Admittedly there were also a lot of things going on in my life that made it worse, like my uncle, cousin, AND best friend dying in one year, barely even six months apart from each other, or my roommate developing such a bad addiction to meth that I actually had to tell our landlords about it so she'd have no other choice BUT to go to rehab or be homeless (she seemingly has never forgiven me for that).
Eventually I did find ways of handling or getting over my depression and seemed to return to normal health after that, but in the past few years I've had kind of the opposite problem. I'd feel fine... but I'd always feel fine. Rarely and ups or downs, just flat neutral. It didn't bother me at first, it was kind of nice not to really feel anything but after a while I realized I wasn't really feeling anything at all. Like anyone else I'd feel fleeting emotions every now and then but always very short and fleeting. I'd start to notice things that really should be effecting my mood simply just didn't get a response out of me at all. I know it's stupid of me to even wonder this but where's all the emotions I used to have? What happened? They just all seemed to be gone.
I can only really remember this changing twice. Once was when I started dating this girl a few years ago and even then, it took a month or two for me to feel anything. It was a short fling, only lasted a few months but I was happy with her, she's really the only girl who ever made me feel like that so understandably I was depressed when it was over (she moved away, we both knew it was coming and she was only here for a short time) but the depression that came only lasted about a week and then I was back to this strange, now a little uncomfortable blankness.
The second time was about a year ago, I started to have feelings for a close friend and I even asked her out. At first she said yes but not even a day later she started dating someone else and I got depressed. Considering my history I actually expected the depression to be worse and last longer but it didn't. I felt that way for maybe about two weeks and then it was over.
However after this my emotional blankness changed in a strange way. I did have emotional reactions to things but every emotion felt strange and distant. More like it was a memory of that emotion somehow. I went on feeling more or less numb and distant like this until about a week or so ago when I started talking to and (for lack of a better word) dating this new girl. I honestly don't think that's what triggered this because my emotions don't really match this situation but it's sort of a good reference point. For the past week or so I've been feeling this strange, undeserved feeling of anger and frustration along with just feeling just a little depressed.
This girl and I had been talking by email and txt for a little over a month, met once and kept communicating until about three weeks ago when it all just stopped. I kept wondering if I should just give up because she seemed to have lost interest until one day we started talking a little again. I asked her out because I do honestly kind of like her (well, I think I do anyways, I wont get into that here) and she said yes.
One night she invited me over to her house and it had to have been the weirdest, most confused date I've ever been on. Seriously, I have no idea whats up with this girl, I mean I could always sense something was a little off by her but this was just too weird! In many ways this encounter reminded me of some of the nights I used to spend with my ex roommate a few years ago except even stranger and more confused.
We were only drinking and smoking weed but I suspect she's either got some serious psychological problem or she's on some nasty drug, communications since hint more towards a psych problem. Anyways, in her altered state the stuff she kept saying and doing just kept getting stranger and stranger. She kept "reading" me (she thinks she's psychic but I could tell she was just really intuitive and mixing her observations with random guesses) and some of the stuff she kept saying was really off, often wrong but she did get a few things right. She could tell I had been feeling this way and kept blaming herself. She could also tell that I usually felt cold and emotionless a lot and this seemed to really bother her (and me as well).
She also said a lot of things which, when right really hit hard in all the wrong places. Since then I've been feeling very depressed, more so than usual and I don't even know what to say to her about it, if anything at all. She knows some of the things she said really bothered me but I don't think she understands why.
Again, getting a little off-topic so back to why I'm writing this. Has anyone else had this experience of just emotional blankness? Like ALL the time? I mean, for the most part up until about a week ago I usually felt NOTHING at all. Even the things that should bother me either didn't effect me at all or effected me soo little that I was able to just ignore it and carry on. I never expected it to come in the way of forming a close relationship with anyone but now it has and not only does this blankness worry me, but so do the feelings I've been dealing with for the past few days. I'm not usually on any drugs and in fact aside from a few relapses here and there I've stayed pretty clean for most of the past few years. My alcohol and weed use doesn't seem to be the cause and I've never known either to have this effect, so it's not the drugs. My diet has fluctuated quite a bit over the past few years and THAT doesn't seem to be the cause either. Does anyone know what this means? Why am I always so blank emotionally. It hasn't always been a bad thing, on the contrary it's been a good thing quite often but still unsettling. I mean, not feeling anything at all emotionally kind of seems as wrong as if I had just lost feeling in my arm (I haven't, it's just a comparison). This can't be healthy but I can't think of any possible cause. I sometimes even fake emotions just so I don't feel as strange around other people but even still! It's been going on for years now and the only effect it seems to have on my physically is a lack of motivation and general laziness (which actually isn't too unusual for me but this is just a tiny bit worse).
So, this has been going on for years. I think I even posted here when it first started to become noticeable (I don't feel like digging for it) and maybe a little context is necessary to help you understand why this has become a problem.
I used to have problems with depression, sometimes getting so bad that I would just stop eating for days and if I slept at all it would only be an hour or two a day. That was at my worst, and not eating usually wasn't even a choice. It was like some nerve inside me that was usually supposed to sense hunger just turned off or something. I wouldn't get hungry and sometimes even the smell of my favorite food would just make me nauseous instead of hungry. Because of the lack of sleep or eating I lost weight and often couldn't even think straight because I was ALWAYS tired but never really able to sleep enough. I eventually failed out of college because I simply couldn't keep up with it anymore (I'm hoping to go back soon). Admittedly there were also a lot of things going on in my life that made it worse, like my uncle, cousin, AND best friend dying in one year, barely even six months apart from each other, or my roommate developing such a bad addiction to meth that I actually had to tell our landlords about it so she'd have no other choice BUT to go to rehab or be homeless (she seemingly has never forgiven me for that).
Eventually I did find ways of handling or getting over my depression and seemed to return to normal health after that, but in the past few years I've had kind of the opposite problem. I'd feel fine... but I'd always feel fine. Rarely and ups or downs, just flat neutral. It didn't bother me at first, it was kind of nice not to really feel anything but after a while I realized I wasn't really feeling anything at all. Like anyone else I'd feel fleeting emotions every now and then but always very short and fleeting. I'd start to notice things that really should be effecting my mood simply just didn't get a response out of me at all. I know it's stupid of me to even wonder this but where's all the emotions I used to have? What happened? They just all seemed to be gone.
I can only really remember this changing twice. Once was when I started dating this girl a few years ago and even then, it took a month or two for me to feel anything. It was a short fling, only lasted a few months but I was happy with her, she's really the only girl who ever made me feel like that so understandably I was depressed when it was over (she moved away, we both knew it was coming and she was only here for a short time) but the depression that came only lasted about a week and then I was back to this strange, now a little uncomfortable blankness.
The second time was about a year ago, I started to have feelings for a close friend and I even asked her out. At first she said yes but not even a day later she started dating someone else and I got depressed. Considering my history I actually expected the depression to be worse and last longer but it didn't. I felt that way for maybe about two weeks and then it was over.
However after this my emotional blankness changed in a strange way. I did have emotional reactions to things but every emotion felt strange and distant. More like it was a memory of that emotion somehow. I went on feeling more or less numb and distant like this until about a week or so ago when I started talking to and (for lack of a better word) dating this new girl. I honestly don't think that's what triggered this because my emotions don't really match this situation but it's sort of a good reference point. For the past week or so I've been feeling this strange, undeserved feeling of anger and frustration along with just feeling just a little depressed.
This girl and I had been talking by email and txt for a little over a month, met once and kept communicating until about three weeks ago when it all just stopped. I kept wondering if I should just give up because she seemed to have lost interest until one day we started talking a little again. I asked her out because I do honestly kind of like her (well, I think I do anyways, I wont get into that here) and she said yes.
One night she invited me over to her house and it had to have been the weirdest, most confused date I've ever been on. Seriously, I have no idea whats up with this girl, I mean I could always sense something was a little off by her but this was just too weird! In many ways this encounter reminded me of some of the nights I used to spend with my ex roommate a few years ago except even stranger and more confused.
We were only drinking and smoking weed but I suspect she's either got some serious psychological problem or she's on some nasty drug, communications since hint more towards a psych problem. Anyways, in her altered state the stuff she kept saying and doing just kept getting stranger and stranger. She kept "reading" me (she thinks she's psychic but I could tell she was just really intuitive and mixing her observations with random guesses) and some of the stuff she kept saying was really off, often wrong but she did get a few things right. She could tell I had been feeling this way and kept blaming herself. She could also tell that I usually felt cold and emotionless a lot and this seemed to really bother her (and me as well).
She also said a lot of things which, when right really hit hard in all the wrong places. Since then I've been feeling very depressed, more so than usual and I don't even know what to say to her about it, if anything at all. She knows some of the things she said really bothered me but I don't think she understands why.
Again, getting a little off-topic so back to why I'm writing this. Has anyone else had this experience of just emotional blankness? Like ALL the time? I mean, for the most part up until about a week ago I usually felt NOTHING at all. Even the things that should bother me either didn't effect me at all or effected me soo little that I was able to just ignore it and carry on. I never expected it to come in the way of forming a close relationship with anyone but now it has and not only does this blankness worry me, but so do the feelings I've been dealing with for the past few days. I'm not usually on any drugs and in fact aside from a few relapses here and there I've stayed pretty clean for most of the past few years. My alcohol and weed use doesn't seem to be the cause and I've never known either to have this effect, so it's not the drugs. My diet has fluctuated quite a bit over the past few years and THAT doesn't seem to be the cause either. Does anyone know what this means? Why am I always so blank emotionally. It hasn't always been a bad thing, on the contrary it's been a good thing quite often but still unsettling. I mean, not feeling anything at all emotionally kind of seems as wrong as if I had just lost feeling in my arm (I haven't, it's just a comparison). This can't be healthy but I can't think of any possible cause. I sometimes even fake emotions just so I don't feel as strange around other people but even still! It's been going on for years now and the only effect it seems to have on my physically is a lack of motivation and general laziness (which actually isn't too unusual for me but this is just a tiny bit worse).
GBU
D
;-O