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Well, to me it isnt really silly because it feels like im suffocating and it happens EVERY TIME my boyfriend goes out to his parents for the weekend in West Chester (which is not too often but often enough for this to happen when it does). They live in Westchester, an hour from where we live together on Staten Island.
I dont know if its seperation anxiety, or if he makes it worse by COMPLETELY making me feel like I do not exist while hes there. He will not check in with me at all, unless I text him.
I guess I dont understand it because our family dynamics are so different. He's Russian and came from Uzbekistan when he was 8 and I'm Italian and Irish, American.
Although my family is tight knit, His family is overwhelmingly close and have no dysfunction WHATSOEVER, although his mom has MS and I know that must also be the reason my boyfriend feels the need to want to be close to her.
My point is, when I go out to visit my parents in P.A., Im constatntly on my phone telling him how much i miss him and how I cant wait to come home to him, because thats the truth. And, MY FAMILY DRIVES ME INSANE! I can only take them in super small doses. We are loud, curse and scream at each other, have a long line of addicts and mental illness.
And he, he just doesnt even fight with his family and goes to their every beck and call! When my mom calls I press ignore, let alone run out to P.A. whenever she needs something.
Maybe this is jealousy too.
But then again his mom is sick. I mean she is still mobile and works a full time job in Manhattan and everything.
But Mine isnt. She is just annoying.
And sometimes I forget that.
Our families are so so so different and everytime he is there, I just dont exist in his world. And it makes him gone being so much harder to deal with, because when hes there, all the attention is on them. But yet when hes with me, he has no problem staring at his phone...
Advice here? I don't know how to occupy my mind enough to stop obsessing about how hurt and neglected I feel, even though we live together, and even though he doesnst see them that much. This feeling is just too heavy.
What is this?
Can you go with him, or does his family like their privacy? My MIL seems to enjoy small visits, and would often not tell relatives that lived close to her when relatives traveled to see her for the weekend. (WE learned to call the local relatives when we went to see her before she moved in with us. Now I call or text the relatives local to us when out of town relatives come to visit.)
Perhaps you could use this alone time to do some stuff just for you? Binge watch your favorite show, perhaps make a meal that you like that he does not care for that much???
Gentle hugs
Also, i think he just wants to give all his undivided attention to his family while he visits because he does so seldomly. And he claims its rude if hes on the phone talking to me there when "he lives with me and gets to see me everyday"..I guess hes right, but it still makes me feel like I dont matter.
His mom isnt really private she has her friend over there actually he told me, so its not that she cares, its just him... I Guess its a good characteristic... but Idk lol
I think you're interpreting something that is 100% normal behaviour on his part as being on some way hurtful to you and neglectful of you. It's not. You can let this go. it has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. It's your insecurity about yourself rearing its head. If you weren't insecure about you, you wouldn't be insecure about him.
As to your family, perhaps you need to leave your cellphone behind when you go to stay with them, and focus on them while you are there. It might burst a few bubbles, pop a few pimples, if everyone there actually has to be there and handle each other like adults. You might be able to force some real change, make some family members grow up a bit.
Keep going with the binge watching, starting a herb and spice garden...yoga...eating ice cream bars on a stick, saving the sticks, building.........I don't know, what ever you wish! You seem to care, so care about yourself too?!
Anyway, thank you for the kind advice those of you who took the time to give the heart felt and non judegemntal kind. Thank you, i am forever grateful.
betcrow- i do express it to him and i should have made a correction, he does text when he arrives and when he leaves. but thats not enough for me because i get bored and want to chat with him because hes my bestfriend and Im used to having him here every day. Buuuuut sometimes it starts a fight if I say it bothers me because he doesnt want to be rude to his family he doesnt see very often. Which I completely understand! Believe me I do. This weekend I was good, I let him be and all was fine.
Hediclark, I am currently on the hunt for a new therapist. Havent been in therapy since the spring. I am definitely in need. And will admit, I need to work on these things. But thanks guys, for the comments and advice xo