I wan't to be FREE...free of obligations...free of responsibility...FREE...

FREE to do absolutely nothing...and free to feel absolutely nothing...

FREE ...I just want to be free of this feeling of non-feeling!!!!

FWIT'sW, so much of what you've been saying reflects my own life.

I am "free" in most every way you say and let me tell you, it isn't very pleasant at all.

Sounds like major depression has sank it's fangs in you and you're reeling from that. I'm not in any way dx'ing you though, just saying what it sounds like to me.

I hope you have a decent therp/counselor/ or someone trustworthy you can talk to about all of this
You need someone that can help you find your way out of the darkness. If I'd have been able to find someone, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I hope you will find a way through this!!!!

That sounds like dissociation, a form of detachment.

I am not that smartest guy in the world, but I do feel a little wiser than most because of stupid choices I made and observing the effect of stupid choices others made. I cant say anything to you that will help because you don't make any choices in your life because you don't want to do anything except post and talk about how depressed you are. Nothing will ever change. You are not living life and that makes me sad. I care for you. Why do you always feel this way is my question. What happened to you. Has anything ever happened to you in your past and are to ashamed to post it. If so please seek help from a person you can talk to. I am not talking about a psychiatrist just a friend you can share with.

You know what? Just be you. Obviously, it's not changing. So, accept what is and be FREE of regret, guilt, pressure, anger, caring, helping yourself...just do what you want to do. Maybe you just need to accept the shit.

It's your life. If you don't care, why should anyone else care. It's your choice not to care. In my eyes, we should let you be how YOU want to be. But, there are consequences. If you can live with those consequences, then continue to make poor choices. It is your choice, your life.

If I had seen any effort for change from your posts, I'd try to help you change. But, I realize now that that is not what you want. If I am wrong, let me know.

Yeah...you're right...I don't like change...I was perfectly happy being my strong, independent, self-sufficient self...but then...something happened...actually I guess a whole lot of somethings happened...I was changed into this frustrated, fatigued, fearful, failure who is just a a shell of a depressed person...

As for what happened to me...I don't know...I guess I just couldn't live up to my own expectation of myself!!!...that's what happened!

Maybe it doesn't seem all that bad to you, but to me it is...because I am harder on myself than anyone else can be!!!!

Do I want to change? NO I don't like change...but I do want to get back to the healthy, happy, empathetic person that I was a few years ago...

Ok. Well, I feel that that is a choice. And, it's not like you have to be perfect all the time, damn. We do the best we can, go to sleep, and try again in the morning. Don't forget to count the things that you CAN do.

For me, change by personal growth is in my control. So, it's not so scary. And, furthermore, you gotta just take a little "uncomfortable", a little "bumps and dings". That means you are fighting, and fighting is what makes everything worth having. When you are happy, I bet you make effort simply for the sake of happiness. Guilt and regret don't matter anymore. That is in the past. This moment is your tool. Use it to create something that isn't there. It's your choice. It doesn't always have to be an emotion. Because a lot of times, actions create emotions. So ACT first. Then begin to "feel like it".

"...a little uncomfortable. Little bumps and dings..."

Hmmm....you mean like this:

I have never been AFRAID of anything in my life! NOTHING scares me...but in 2008 I was all alone, curled up into a fetal position under the covers at the foot of my bed for three and a half hours as the POWER OF GOD literally swirled around me in the form of a HURRICANE outside my house!!!!

5 months later in 2009, my then 16 year old son was suspended, arrested, and charged with a FELONY for writing on school property...and that wasn't the worst of it!...the worst part of that was that I saw MY SON handcuffed to chair talking to an officer like he was some sort of CRIMINAL...sure the charges were dropped, he went back to school and graduated last year, and for the most part he is a good christian boy...BUT that image of him handcuffed to a chair like that has NEVER left my mind....then...

6 months later, my addict husband took MY truck to go to the store and didn't return till almost 20 hours later...WITHOUT MY TRUCK...
claims it was stolen, told his brother it was stolen while WE were at a concert!...truth is I lost all trust in him that day...I still love him, but I just cant bring myself to trust him!

SO...I brushed everything above off my shoulder...and decided to just take care of me!...I went back to school...I started working on realizing a dream...and I was actually doing great...

Till I got involved in Student Government and let that power go to my head...along with my perfectionism, I was doing good but people don't like when other people (like me) try to things the right way and don't agree with all their stupid opinions and well they just started to bring me down...and although they couldn't succeed in ruining MY or my Boards reputation, because we hadn't done anything wrong...they did succeed in causing me to fail all my classes!!!!....

Add to that the SUICIDE of one of my son's friend's (I was in Anatomy class studying the circulatory system, when I got a call from my son!...His friend who was known as Sunshine because he was always smiling, and brought happiness to all those around him, had shot himself on Valentines Day night) Can you imagine sitting in a Sanctuary, that holds 1100 people on Easter Sunday, with that many HIGH SCHOOL students paying their respect to their Friend!!!!...THAT was one of the saddest days of my LIFE, I can't even begin to imagine how THEY felt...or His Parents.

Anyway, after that came 2011...when my son decided to try to push his boundaries and I was forced to literally put my hands on him, and put the fear of GOD into him!!!...another picture that never leaves my mind! :(

And that same weekend, my husband decides to go on a binge again...and he's running around with all these addicts/dealers chasing his damn high!...and lying to me like always...and I guess just expecting me to be scared of them or something...I wasn't ...I just confronted them...driving HIS CAR...and just told them how sorry I felt for them and that I'd pray for them - all of them!!!!!

That was all the week before Thanksgiving, 2011...then came 2012...I was still struggling through the student government crap...struggling through a continuing to fail marriage/relationship..
...financially struggling through my son's Sr year...when I got PHYSICALLY ill!!!!...I don't go to the Dr....I don't like going to the Dr!
I spent my entire childhood going to the Dr. and in hospitals...I avoid them like the plague!!!...Well, this got so bad that I was forced to go to the Dr. and what does the Dr tell me? Well she tells me "Your GOD must really love you, and has you here for a reason!" My blood pressure was so high, that rather than having a stroke, my body was slowly shutting down system by system AND it started with my Digestive system!!!! And that was bad enough to get me to the Dr...so that she could put me on I don't know how many meds to try to control my blood pressure...AND today, I am 3 meds for BP, 2 meds for Asthma, 1 med for allergies, and 3 for depression/anxiety/insomnia!!!! REALLY!?...Yeah! For a person who hates going to the Dr, and hates taking meds...this is just way too much!!!!!!

And for the nice cherry on top!!!...THIS YEAR, I have been struggling financially, trying my damnest to start a small business...and then one week in June, I am just knocked back down....by three complete strangers who SCAMMED ME out of $200! and my husband who put his hands on me in anger for the very first time!!!!!!

SO!....if you read ALL THAT (sorry, I can get a little long-winded)...
what do you think? ...Hows that for a little uncomfortable or a little bumps and dings? Keep in mind, that's NOT everything...I didn't include irrelevant things like random shootings in my driveway, drugdeals on our street, and repeated thefts of MY things from my yard...

ALSO...keep in mind that this is the FIRST time I am telling ANYONE this...I am a very private person...and what happens to me, stays with me...SO, I don't tell anyone with the exception of Drs, lawyers, and officials...but to tell my friends or family? OH NO!...I would never do that!!!!!! Just like I don't like to ask for help!

Well?

I hear anger in you post, not apathy. The freedom to say "F--- this sh*t I've had a enough.

Then you shared the mulititude of events that have been building up. I also noticed the reference to Christainity, that tells us to turn the other cheek. You ran out of cheeks a long time ago. Hows that for for listening. Many of the things that are in your line up of events are things you had little or no control of, but they still effected you. So if you can today, decide which ones you can let go of. They cannot change anyway. The death of love in a marriage is hard, but if it will end, do it on your terms. Use your abilities to release the belief and guilt, over not being the happily ever after that you believed when those vows were spoken. Your husband will need to find his own way and live or die with it. My first husband did.

Some times it takes some sorting when anger and pain accumulate. I don't think you don't care, I think you cared too much.

My heart to you, strength that you will do what is best for you to survive.

Hey depressed! I'm happy I saw your post today. .It makes me feel more normal and not so alone. You remind me alot of myself. I think if you saw a skilled therapist (sometimes a good idea, not trashing therapy) the advice you would get is close to what Cypressmoon1 said. Accepting the shit we are in is one of my challenges and is necessary to survive.Sounds easy, but is a daily struggle. I also have many years of nasty stuff I went through, marriages, suicides, wayward children, unsupportive family and unfortunately Christians who thought they may have been helping but just screwed with my head. Some people don't get much of a break from crisis and trauma especially if they have tough issues with spouses, children,health,etc..
It's a miracle sometimes that we survived this far. You can only tackle a few things at a time and I totally get the part about not talking to family about the current stuff. It has taken me long stretches to find someone to talk to, but I encourage you to try. In my experience most people are overwhelmed by my passionate response to so many issues in my life, so try to pick and choose. I need to find ways to express my outrage safely. I hope some of this helps. Being a perfectionist myself, we often are very critical of ourselves . There is crazy stuff that can happen where everyone always blames you. Start giving yourself credit and protect your own dignity, don't let other people take it away.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.

WOW...I just read that again...I think I'll copy and past it into a journal entry...

Thanks for the inspiration y'all!

Jewells1 and pouty ...

thank you both for your responses...and suggestions...

I think y'all understand in a way that most people don't...even ME!...

I've thought about the idea that maybe I cared too much...but then I think No, that's impossible...then I think about Codependency...and I want to say NO! that's NOT POSSIBLE...but then deep, deep down in that dark pit of depression and isolation I think...

Yeah...maybe it is possible...because unless the people I love most in this world are happy, I'm not happy...especially, my husband, my son, and my mother...but yet, I can't seem to control any of their happiness...clearly, my husband isn't happy...my son, well he's happy for the most part but it's not because of me! - it's because of the life I've provided for him, which I can no longer provide because he is an adult... my mother - my poor mother...she is my role model...at 94 she is mentally healthier than ME...she still has the ability to control her mind and her blood pressure!!!...she is incredibly strong considering ALL that she had been through in NINE decades and all I was doing was trying to be like her...and clearly, I CAN"T DO IT!!!!

OH GOD!!!...I'm rambling again...I think it's time to do some listening...and start taking care of myself again...and start trusting GOD again...

THAT's another thing...GOD...in 2009, I realized that I had forgotten my first love, GOD...and in 2012, I think I did it again...because God asked me to do something that I don't want to do!!!...but THAT is a whole other story that I think I'll leave for another time maybe another Journal entry!...For now, I'll just say that I've been wrestling with God and THAT basically was the last straw that broke the depression camel's back!!!!...I felt like why? WHY would GOD, in the midst of all these trials and tribulations ask me to do something that He knows DARN WELL, I DON"T want to DO?

WHY?

I've been angry with my GOD!...for a very long time...and I don't have anyone to talk to about that either!!!...Use to be when I felt this way, I would go to GOD and talk to him about it...well...I haven't done that in a long time because I am being typical stubborn, rebellious child that I was in my youth...I never have liked being told what to do...I like having control over what I do and doing that I want to do...but with this I CAN'T...I guess I got to stop complaining and JUST DO IT!...

Okay..that's all...I promise, I'll stop rambling now...

Just to let you know, I started taking my MEDS yesterday...and although I felt terrible yesterday, I do actually feel a teeny tiny wee better today...just look at all I am writing...this is just a fraction of what is usually just swimming around in my mind at any given time! ...no wonder I can't get it all settled down into nicely packed little zip files of my thought!!!!!! ...

Well?