I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Can I ask what the memory loss is from? What I mean is, do you know the reason, is it medical? Or a feeling of being "out of it" because of depression?

I know what you mean about not being "violent, manipulative, or selfish" enough. Sometimes it feels like anybody who's not a complete asshole just gets stepped on.

It's not true though, at least not all the time. Even if they're not in your life right this moment, there are people who will want you and love you.

You said that there's only one of you, and the world doesn't deserve or want you...you're partially right. There's only one of you. You can do things that nobody else can do. Period. So the world does want you here.

About surviving by being drunk or stoned all the time...tried it, doesn't work. Just makes it worse, and when you sober up all the crap is right there waiting for you. Bad road.

I wish I could offer more. Hugs.

If there is one thing I'm learning, it is that you do belong. You belong here. With us. Who know exactly how you feel. Who don't expect more than you can give. This is a place of complete acceptance in spite of our illness. A place where we can stand together and fight this awful disease. When I start feeling like I have no control, which is quite often, I always say to myself: "Stop! Is this really true or is this my brain trying to play tricks on me?". That's a kicker with depression, you can't always trust the messages your brain is telling you. I tried using drugs and alcohol to manage my disease. Trouble was, it made it WORSE! As in, the drugs enhanced my feelings of sadness, hopelessness, etc. It was enough to scare me in to never doing that again. Guess it was a blessing in disguise. BTW, memory loss (short term and cognitive) is quite normal for someone who has depression. Mine has always come back when I get out of the "episode" of depression... Hugs to you!

i dont think that you need drugs or alcohol to survive. just tough skin
i know im young but one thing i learn is you can still be not violent and thrive just set your own limit. example: i would do anything for anybody untill try try to make me do it. so thats where i draw the line
"dont try to force me" i think thats thats something you should try setting your limits beforhand so that you can have more control over you life. try it and tell me if it works

ps: you seem like a nice person, the world may not want or deserve people like you but it needs people like you

Thank you Summerwind81 and jlroesner for your advice. I will stay away from the drugs and alcohol. I was just hoping they would make me into a "selfish jerk." and may be even a little mean.
It is true that depression can make memory and thinking harder. But I think mine is medical. I have notice it becoming worse over the last 5 years. I am going to have my doctor check it out.

There is so much good in the world. If you feel good about who you are, you have the hardest part down. Maybe you need to find new and better places of meeting people. You're right, there are a lot of rotten apples, but there are a lot of good ones too.

Drugs and alcohol are not the answer. If it were alot of us would be well. Don't put pressure on yourself to remember. My meds and lack of pressure has helped me to get better.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders but just down right now. Dont fall into the norm of some depressed people with the drugs and alochol. That will only make the hole deeper to get out of. Get some sunshine and find little things that make you happy. Stay away from the negative, there are good people out there that are not manipulative, violent or shelfish. Maybe volunteering someplace, those are always people with good big unselfish hearts.

good luck sweetie.. I hope things get better for you real soon.. depression is an awful disease

Yes you do belong. Do not drink and do not do drugs.
That is your depression talking. Keep posting and join in the conversations if you can.
You belong.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

sorry u feel this way, it sucks dont it. hugs. x