I know you guys are getting tired of m y post lol, but ever since I found this site it has been my outlet for my feelings, I really don't have any other outlet for my feelings, and you guys are so supportive with your comments! ............ A major struggle that has affected my entire life is dealing with homosexual tendencies. I don't know what your views are of homosexuality but I can only contribute a view from my life. I didn't choose these thoughts and feelings, just like you can't choose what day you are born on. This has been with me since birth. Growing up, my parents had me in the church and the church views homosexuality as a sin, but has anyone every thought how a young child feels when they hear this being preached at them and they don't even understand why they have these feelings. Well I am that child. From as long as I can remember I have wondered why I have an attraction to the same sex. My parents tells me its the devil and that I should ask God for forgiveness......and I have, but I still am not attracted to females. I've always been that different child, I didnt like the more heterosexual stuff that other males like. I didnt choose to feel this way and that's what akes my hurt heart because this is not a choice of mine no matter how much people say you make your decisions about your life. If I could control this I would totally be rid of it, but its not easy at all, and I have prayed, cried, repented, and asked God for help many times in my life. I just don't know why. This thought process has caused me to get picked on as a child, and to be picked on as an adult. I don't think its fair.....I dont want this but how do I identify my true self. My parents think I'm the worst child ever because I lash out at them and am very difficult, but it's because I feel that they don't love me no matter what they do for me because of the simple fact that their religion tells them that what I am is a sin, and an abomination to God. How can you cope with that knowing that your parents and loved ones sees you as a disgrace in the Bible. My entire problems in life revolve around me being gay.....I hate myself for it and I am severely depressed because of it. At times I just tell myself that I'm just gay and go with it. I put myself in relationships with other guys and they treat me like a whore....all they want is sex and make me feel like they love me, but use me and leave me. I cry because I want companionship but I don't get that.....and I hurt oh so much because of what this has made me. It seems as if my parents ignore what I go through to try and block it out. IT'S SO HARD ITS NOT CHOSEN, ITS NOT WHAT I WANT BUT WHAT I AM. I CAN NEVER ACCEPT MYSELF. I am in the army and that's more conflict because I have to hide myself, not only in the army i have to hide myself in the world. It's so hard to hide yourself in the world, because you have to make up so many lies to portray a person that you are not and it becomes so stressful. Even in the Gay world you have to lie and portray yourself as something else because all they want is the next best looking, successful, and sexual guy in the world, and thats not what I am. I really feel lost because I can't satisfy myself, my parents, or anyone................... I am totally lost but I try to maintain but it gets harder and harder as I get older........... I just dont know what to do!
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