I can definitely use your prayer tonight, I should feel peaceful and at ease but I can't. I'm hurt and I've been hurt since before November 18, 2018, but it wasn't like I was physically hurt then until I became in a blink of an eye left to save my dignity. I've known I have been and was in the right place at the right time with the right people my own loved ones. 

When my husband completely turned his back on me I was in shock but at the same time I didn't give myself the time to cry or grieve in anger because I was not afforded the chance, instead I had to seek safety and shelter. I did the right thing tho without family or friends nearby or money at that. I was left to figure out on my own what to do on my own, be to keep getting verbally and emotionally abused, or should call my nearest LDS church and family members to help me out during a time of crisis. Sure did, I called my LDS Ward, where my records were kept, for help and the rest has unfolded into what you see on screen. 

As it was happening I was trying to speak with my LDS sister to get the help I needed she was trying to be political and diplomatic to see if the bishop could speak to both me and my husband this was all occurring over the phone with me. While my husband was setting up his own tone over the phone with my mother and he made up his own mind after altercating, with my mother disrespectfully, he decided to bounce me out of my rightful home and viciously coned my mother out of 300.00 dollars. 

Ever since November 18, 2018, been trying to stay happy optimistic, and hopeful doing what little and mighty I have been doing for myself to survive. From filing for divorce without money or income, to completing a college degree, to getting school loans. And then for COVID-19 to make it even Krispy.

I haven't been able to take care of myself and we all live in a physical world where in a first world and as a military spouse and dependent my sole provider is to take care of me until I can get myself back up on my own two feet. Well, it's just a sad story. I need a different kind of love other than what is evident.

I tried working, you know the employment chillant chillant, but it's not any better for me, not only was I at a Union disadvantage (I was working but unappreciated and underpaid) No unions... Not only that but you see employers without a union in order to keep management pristine, allowed management to cross boundaries, and disrespected me and my intention as an employee. 

My husband served active duty and right before we decided to conceive a large family I worked under contract with an agency at Brooke Army Medical Center and he was one of the ward masters on the ward I worked for. So I had my supervisor Ron who I checked in when on schedule but my husband was also one of my supervisors because he was in charge of the entire ward not just the telemetry area. 

Anyway, I think this is where most employers have gotten confused thinking they can surpass expectations that are not aligned to my work ethic and it creates even more of a gap between my structured world and the employment world when it comes to expectations. I am used to Federal and State local services aligned to my testimony/lifestyle but I kept getting local service from BigChainWalmart which if you know anything good, it's a hard comparison.

In the military in the year 2006, I suffered from depression, and a family care plan was placed as a result to ensure we could stay in the Army as active duty and he could complete his goal (retirement). Boy did I suffer with him neglect; kept me in the dark but the joy came standing next to my children. Having a say in their lives directly was worth my time.

I love them so much. Of course, I want the best, and why I fought to keep us together in the best possible way. But he would revert to becoming the same cold and indifferent person he displayed throughout the journey from time to time. 

I have my moments of joy and in those moments I recognized them and called them out internally. I even remember my son saying Mom please don't make it an event, when it was up to me do get something for them or do something with them. I wanted the experience to be memorable because I knew when I least expected their father would turn his back on me as he did that one November Rainy night.

I'm trying to keep my balance tonight by typing it out, I can't keep or harbor these thoughts any longer on my own. They need to come out and I know life will get better for me and for my own adult children. I'm still human and I still have those PTSD moments that trigger my need for them (my safe place in this world) my first world. 

I blame none but I stay present in knowing my own heart, testimony, and story. It is enough to admit that not all are perfect but it is harmful to take advantage of someone else as a result of a disadvantage. It is straight-up abuse and one cannot get over an abusive system or person until something honorably takes over to outweigh the hindering condition and into calibration.

Hence, in my despair writing helps me establish clarity in my own thought process and I know we can identify right from wrong together without blaming and shaming. If anything what brings calmness is the fact I got away from my stressor when I didn't have the intention of ever leaving him. That's why I hold on to my faith and convictions, they work as moral support when morale has not been upheld at home. 

Anyway, sorry guys if it sounds like a long journal entry but that's not my intention, I have just been having this pity party, and festering in me to the point it's limeaide and daily strength to console my heart and soul. I figure it's this or memes and quotes... I'm actually getting sick of them too... too much of one thing isn't always good.

Please share some kind thoughts, opinions, concerns, and or related occurrences to help us each heal independently and collectively. I know we're all here for some GOD Divine or Non-Godly Related Reason. We all have a heart and we all matter be you believe in God or not. Love you guys and I know you guys love me too otherwise you wouldn't be here supporting me during such hardship. 

Love, COAQ