Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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SeanPain 04/03/2011

I was driving down the road as i do routinely everyday for work, ( driving is my job ) And i close my eyes and debate on if i should open them back up or if i should just let go ( This IS NOT the first time i have done this......atleast 20 times since i started last july ) My depression is just relapsing so bad that i cant take it and my docs wont do ANYTHING to help besides put me on more SRI type antidepressant that make me feel like i wanna slit my wrists, I have begged and begged and begged my doc to help me by letting me try something like a xanex or something similar but for the past 24 months ive been brushed off,No one besides my wife sees that Its getting to a dangerous level with me and that i cannot hold on much longer. Its just to much to handle mentally and all my friends and family are nowhere close to me anymore ( emotionally and geographically ) And i just dont know what to do.

Does anyone know of a way to dumb down my feeling of remorse and hatred for myself? Im just so close to either picking a gun up or OD'ing on something/anything.

Please help i just dont know what to do anymore it's to hard......

If anyone would be willing to talk message me at painlayer@yahoo.com PLEASE

This all stims from my dream of pro wrestling being torn from my grip and leaving me with nothing meaningful to me in my life because of a birth defect in my spine which resulted in me having a spinal fusion of my L5-S1 vertabre, I have tried zoloft,prozac,paxil,and some others which i cannot remember the names of im sorry, But like i said they just dont work and its like all the docs that i have seen for this just dont care and they look at me like im a pill hunter which im not...... I just want some relief from this haze that i walk in every single day of my life.

Im sorry for rambling i hope this all makes sense to you guys, Im just trying to hold on
* 4 days ago

stevebhopes 04/03/2011

I am sorry life is so difficult for you right now. I can relate to having difficulties with finding a medication that will work for depression. I have had similar difficulties for years now. I encourage you to stay here on DS because there is a lot of love, encouragement and friends to be found here. Most people don't give this site a fair trial and therefore miss out on the many benefits. I want you to know I care about your life and I don't want you to end it. Please think of what your suicide would do to your wife, it would be devastating for her. I do know a lot about remorse and self-hate. I have lived with overwhelming guilt for many years. I have a very checkered past and I have hurt a lot of people and done some really messed up stuff. I am coming to a place of being able to forgive myself and not hate myself like I used to. I would be glad to talk to you about how that has come about. Message me anytime!

SeanPain 04/03/2011

Thanx for the encouragement and kind words.....but i just dont know how to get out of this haze i mean its not only when im awake hell when i sleep i dream about it and on more than one occasion i have had a dream where i either killed myself or was killed in a car accident or homicide Etc. etc. and when i woke up i was literally pissed off that i was still alive and kicking. I know i shouldn't feel like this but i cant help it i feel like whatever force created/controls us is stepping on my life like kids do to an ant-and i just dont know if i will ever get past this.

I mean how do you stop feeling this way when theres a physical reason for feeling liike i do? I love pro wrestling and i cant just step back and forget about it but im afraid im gonna have to and even doing that scares me because then i will have absolutely no connection with this world or anyone in it. Everyone from the group i ran with while wrestling just alienate me and i guess im a little at fault for that but arent friends supposed to understand and help you through times like these?? I just cant cope but theres nothing i can do about it.

And life is not just difficult right now its a hair away from being completely unmanageable i just cant deal with the thoughts in my head any longer.

deleted_user 04/03/2011

I am so very sorry you are feeling so down !!! (((HUGS)))
I hate when ur thoughts overtake you and it seems there is NOTHING you can do to fix it . But there has to be . First off, getting a new fcking doctor would be a start. Pardon my french , but I lost my father to suicide due to doctors who didnt listen etc....and it KILLS me to see if still happening to others. Your life is so valued. By your wife, your family and ppl here on DS ... I kno this probably doesnt stop the thoughts you are having , but PLEASE PLEASE know I here care for your life, and would LOVE to keep talking to you and trying to support you in every way i can . People here at ds are amazing . I have a wonderful group you should try out . Except me as a friend :) An message me ANYTIME

deleted_user 04/03/2011

First you need to call the doctor . Your current medication can cause you to feel the way you are feeling. It says right in the product information that if you have the kind of feeling you are having, you should call the dr. Look you live in MI and you have a job, you are one of the fortunate ones. Do not do this to the other people who will be on the road. Suicide by others is not acceptable.

Can you think of one positive thing about your life> I will start.
You live in one of the hardest hit states in the union and you have a JOB.

SeanPain 04/03/2011

Yeah i wish i could blame medication for how i am feeling but i cant because although i feel HORRIBLE right now it was even worse than this while on ANY of the meds that i listed and the others that i cant remember and i know im actually fortunate to have a job me and my wife both are very fortunate to be working and sometimes i feel so mad at myself for feeling like this while i still have a job because there are those out there that feel this same way and have no work and im sorry to those out there like that.

But i just cant stop it i wish that i could but i cant, I do have good days where everything is vibrant and hopeful but then i just fall right back down and smack my face on the pavement-Im just sick of being this version of me and feel like i dont want to let it live.......

deleted_user 04/03/2011

Oh love. its not YOU . Just remeber that . As hard as it is , since its ur thoughts, its not you ...its your brain......something is a little off, and with the right help , we can fix that ! : ) Helped me a lot !!!! Like I said, we need to get you a new doctor. Also reading up on all this , and educate your self on meds, and methods to help you ......can be the first step to taking back some control towards the doctors and getting some real help!!!!
:)

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