Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
SORRY in advance for this length. I just started typing and I got a lot longer than I thought it would. I guess I am feeling really desperate right now.
This is not me trying to whine or post a really depressing thread- because people always accuse me of that. Not on here, just in general people seem to think of me as a downer. This is me saying I'm tired and lost. I'm tired of trying so hard but feeling like I'm always behind, like i still don't know where I'm going, like everyone else gets things together, or gets what they want an I'm still sitting here like I don't know what's going on. People who claim to care about be treat me like I don't matter, blatantly use me, or just plain don't talk to me. Not to play the victim, I could just say no and stand up for myself, but I don't. I don't because I'm scared if I stand up there will be no one left.
On a slightly more coherent note, I am beyond upset about a trip my boyfriend and I had planned. We have been saving for months to go on a trip to Colorado to visit his sister who lives out there. He unfortunately ended up getting a few traffic tickets and having to spend his trip money on that because he was laid off from work. I still have the money I saved but I can't pay for both of us, so we told his sister it wouldn't work out. His mother texted my phone on Easter trying to get ahold my boyfriend, saying she wants to pay for a plane ticket for him and all his siblings to all go out and visit his sister together for her birthday. He says yes but he wants me to come too, I can pay my own way as I still have my trip money I saved. She doesn't want me to come. I guess I can understand, its a family trip and all but its like my boyfriend and I have been planning this for months, only to have it taken way and replaced with him going without me. He doesn't know yet that she doesn't want me to come. I don't know how he'll react. I totally want him to go see his sister, I wouldn't want to take that way from him at all, it just still sucks. and it stings considering how close I thought his family and I were. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years, and I have been there for him when she wouldn't be. When his grandpa died and he fell apart, she pushed him away and I was there... now he's not working and I am supporting both of us, all my pets and his dog, plus I'm in school! On top of that, I am still dealing with all the family issues I've shared on here in the past. I'm feeling so overwhelmed and hurt. I am ready for school to be over, I don't want to have to think about the god damn trip thing anymore. I wish we never planned it. I wished I never saved the money to go. I dread waking up every day and I am angry at the world for my stress, anger, and depression, even though I know its no ones fault but my own. I can't stop the spiraling thoughts that tell me to just give up....I want to give up so bad. I think my fear that my parents would get my dogs euthanized if I were to be dead is the only thing that keeps me here. Sometimes I even resent them for that. I resent the fact I love them too much to leave, no matter how badly I want to give up.
This is not me trying to whine or post a really depressing thread- because people always accuse me of that. Not on here, just in general people seem to think of me as a downer. This is me saying I'm tired and lost. I'm tired of trying so hard but feeling like I'm always behind, like i still don't know where I'm going, like everyone else gets things together, or gets what they want an I'm still sitting here like I don't know what's going on. People who claim to care about be treat me like I don't matter, blatantly use me, or just plain don't talk to me. Not to play the victim, I could just say no and stand up for myself, but I don't. I don't because I'm scared if I stand up there will be no one left.
On a slightly more coherent note, I am beyond upset about a trip my boyfriend and I had planned. We have been saving for months to go on a trip to Colorado to visit his sister who lives out there. He unfortunately ended up getting a few traffic tickets and having to spend his trip money on that because he was laid off from work. I still have the money I saved but I can't pay for both of us, so we told his sister it wouldn't work out. His mother texted my phone on Easter trying to get ahold my boyfriend, saying she wants to pay for a plane ticket for him and all his siblings to all go out and visit his sister together for her birthday. He says yes but he wants me to come too, I can pay my own way as I still have my trip money I saved. She doesn't want me to come. I guess I can understand, its a family trip and all but its like my boyfriend and I have been planning this for months, only to have it taken way and replaced with him going without me. He doesn't know yet that she doesn't want me to come. I don't know how he'll react. I totally want him to go see his sister, I wouldn't want to take that way from him at all, it just still sucks. and it stings considering how close I thought his family and I were. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years, and I have been there for him when she wouldn't be. When his grandpa died and he fell apart, she pushed him away and I was there... now he's not working and I am supporting both of us, all my pets and his dog, plus I'm in school! On top of that, I am still dealing with all the family issues I've shared on here in the past. I'm feeling so overwhelmed and hurt. I am ready for school to be over, I don't want to have to think about the god damn trip thing anymore. I wish we never planned it. I wished I never saved the money to go. I dread waking up every day and I am angry at the world for my stress, anger, and depression, even though I know its no ones fault but my own. I can't stop the spiraling thoughts that tell me to just give up....I want to give up so bad. I think my fear that my parents would get my dogs euthanized if I were to be dead is the only thing that keeps me here. Sometimes I even resent them for that. I resent the fact I love them too much to leave, no matter how badly I want to give up.
That's not very nice at all. I think it's amazing that you are supporting
your boyfriend and going to school. How much longer do you have to
go in school? It concerns me that you think about dying, you have alot
to live for. People who love you. That's worth living for. School will end
and your life will change. Is your boyfriend going back to work soon?
He needs to because you don't need the added stress. Have you
thought about seeing a therapist to work through some of your anger
and depression? I hope things get better for you soon, Big Hugs
Calm down. Sometimes things happen. You have to try not to get your mind racing. I do that too as does my mom so it's partly hormonal. I start getting mad, thinking I am getting the short end, getting madder, speculating upon people's motives and getting out of control.
I have a family member who is unusually successful and about 10 people have said, "I'd like to have his life." One thing he does is not get unduly upset, not look at small slights. He is one of 3 brothers (2 step) and at one function, 1 told 2 you can stay at the house, but we don't have room for 3, him. No big deal, he didn't get angry, he was confident. He deals with different people in their own way, generally looking for the best in people, being upbeat, and people tend to like him. I have learned from seeing him.
So try to exercise some self-discipline. Tell your boyfriend you love him and if you can go, great, if you can't don't worry, honey I know you did the best you can. I know it's hard but invest some in your relationship. As a man beyond sex, you want love, assurance, support, and validation, honey it will be all right, I know you're doing your best. That's perhaps a traditional value. I know woman's book tell them to be assertive, I know men's books tell you to find happiness in whatever you want to do. Give him some help. I am sure he feels terrible about the tickets.
You are bettering your situation with school and are fighting to have a better life, when you have people around you that you thought cared and considered you family only to find out their true thoughts of you, it stings more then anything (I have been there) at the end of the day what people thing of you or do too you means nothing the only thing that matters if you can look yourself in the mirror and say you did the best you could today, the only opinion in life that matters is the one you have of yourself.
For people like us with depression this is a truly hard thing to accept ( I struggle with this on a daily basis) but if you take half of the pain and sadness and turn it into a fire for your determination you will over come and live an amazing life.