I don't know how to use this site, but I need to use it, because what I am doing with my life right now isn't working. I don't even know if anyone hasn't the ability to read this post, but if you do, I would appreciate it. I recently turned 18 and graduated from HS and just finished my first semester of college, and it was a hard semester just because of the life transitions made. We all have those transitions in life so I shouldn't complain and I'm sorry that I do so. 

I have depression and anxiety and I have recently been struggling with terrible, negative, and lonely feelings non stop for the past few months. It's hard living in this generation. Regardless as to if I use social media or not, I am always comparing myself to others and what I should be, but not who I am. I know everyone has their own set of problems, but sometimes it's hard to see that statement as being true which leads to comparing ourself to another. It doesn't change the fact that I hate who I am. I am not suicidal, but I admit that not living anymore isn't something I see as a bad thing in my life. I do believe I am such a burden. I was given up for adoption as a baby, and I feel like I am given up every day by everyone around me. I have a friend who is dear to my heart and friends with my family. She's in her early 30's and has some cute kids and lives 15 min or so away from me. I confide in her and tell her everything. I tell her more than I tell my parents (I have a great relationship with them nothing is wrong) but we just get each other and I would do anything for her and her family. They're like family to me. I will admit, I probably text her too much. Almost every day and I am fine if she doesn't answer me and I have told her multiple times that she never needs to feel bad about not always answering my texts. I don't always answer texts from people so I understand. I think she feels bad because she knows my mental health struggles and my struggles in life, and I often go to her in times of need or else she Just is aware that I am struggling. I need to go get professional help so I am not a burden to her (busy lady her kids are all under the age of ten ) but I don't have the money. I also feel ashamed. I don't know why. She has been a friend for many years and someone I trust with my life. This is sad, but I am too fat, tall, and ugly, so I am embarrassed to ever talk to her in person. She doesn't judge me and I know that, I just judge myself. (I am more wide but not really fat but still uncomfortable in my skin and I need to change that) anyway, I feel so embarrassed and guilty because I always go to her and she swears she is never annoyed by me, but that can't be true. I love her so much and she has helped me through everything. It's almost Christmas and I texted her today because of how people were treating me (I'm and adult I know it's crazy to go to her because I'm 18 and she's 35) but I felt and still feel bad because I annoy her with my life. I don't know what to do. I trust her only. I have tried to tell her to set boundaries and she won't do it. She says if she doesn't want to answer that she won't. I have told her to block me and remove me from social media (FB and Instagram ) and she won't. I have called her names, told her I have hated her, told her to go to hell, and she is ALWAYS there for me and I don't deserve it. I have a lot of friends and I have also lost a lot of friends recently, but I feel like I am a loser because she isn't married and has kids and she is one of my best friends that I trust so much  and I am so grateful for and I just feel bad. 

I have told her how I wish I wasn't living. I have told her about my boyfriend that nobody knew I had. I told her I hate myself and she still loves me. I feel bad and don't know what to do about her. 

I also might need to use this as an outlet so I don't talk to her as much anymore. I am confused with my life and feel like I'm stuck. I'm in a bad job, can't ever sleep at night, always sadden or else feel nothing, and often mad at the same time. I do wish I wasn't living. I have slowly started to attempt self harming myself, but I am scared only that i will hurt myself and damage my body in a state where I become a "limp noodle" and that's the only reason I am being careful. I feel alone. I feel like I won't be successful because my family doesn't believe in me and neither do I believe in myself. I feel like everyone around me thinks I'm a joke. I don't even know how I have as many friends as I do. I feel like I'm bottled up because many people don't know about my mental health state and I feel like they don't know the real me. I feel like nobody ever listens to me and that's all I need right now; someone to listen to me please. I don't think I can do this alone anymore. I need some help. I will not hurt myself, and I don't want anyone to think this post has anything to do with something like that. I just need help. Please.