Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
As the title of this journal entry says, "I am African-American and not proud of it." I would first like to say that I am sorry to offend anyone by saying that, as it is not my intention. I would also like to apologize to any of you who have messaged me and not known this about me. It scares me each time someone messages me on here, because I am afraid that once you find out that I am black, the kind things said to me won't matter anymore and that what has been said to me by anyone on here does not matter anymore and wasn't meant by what you said, because of the color of my skin. I have had the hardest time posting on here because it is a part of me hidden from all of you, but at the same time, it is part of the reason I am depressed at times, and sometimes talking about why you are depressed helps you out, hence the reason this page was created. I don't want any of you to hate me now. I am black, yes, but I am a very well educated woman for my age of 18 and I attend college full time, (except for this semester, I am working to earn money for school so i won't go into debt) I work, and I work hard. I am kind to people, thoughtful, I am not loud or disrespectful. I am not any of the stereotypical things that I have been callled because I am black. I did very well in high school, almost all A's took AP and CE enrollment classes in high school, participated on the student government for many years during public school. I recieved awards my senior year of high school for accademic and other purposes, was above top half bracket for grades in my class of over 500 students (meaning had one of the higher GPA's) and I like to think I am a good person, who makes a lot of mistakes, but learns from them. Even writing this much has already made me feel better, minus the stress of thinking who all on here is not going to like me anymore, but it really has already helped me so much. Now, enough of the background information. I feel lost as an 18 year old girl who is black. What can I do with my life? Where can I go? I live in a prodominatly LDS state (ID) where although it may seem like it gets a bad wrap for racism, I have never felt threatened because of the color of my skin and for that I am grateful. I have had my fair share of bullies, rude comments, cold stares and more because of my skin color, yes. But, I have never felt my life has been threatened because of it, and I feel a lot of that is because of where I live. I have never gotten into legal trouble, (only in trouble by my parents for regular teenage things) before. Speaking of parents, I was adopted at a month old, and my family is white and all biological to my parents except for me and my other black siblings (3 of us). My parents have a pretty fair amount of money (I am not trying to brag about my life) and I have been fortunate and blessed because of it, because I have had everything I have ever needed and more in my life. I have no reason to complain. I feel like a part of me is missing. I love my family more than anything, I really do, but something has always been missing. I feel like I am missing a part of my culture, and that makes me sad. Everyone jokingly always tells my how "white" I am and to be quite fair, it is very true. Aside from my skin color, I feel like I am white sometimes. I often don't even remeber that I am not white and that I am black unless i am filling out paperwork and it asks the question where you fill out the box. So yes, I feel out of place religion wise ( I love my religion but my siblings and I are always the only black ones and everyone else is not). I feel out of place in school being the only black one (I played sports and that put a lot of pressure on me because everyone automatically thoughtÂ
I was great at sports because I am black) in classes and extra curricular. The sports thing was really hard because I HAD to keep up with everyone's expectations. I sing, but I "dont sing like a black person" and that dissapoints people when the find that out altought I am not a bad singer. I just don't fit in, and i have secretly felt that way my entire life. I don't feel beautiful because I am black, but everyone says I am and that I have the perfect complextion, beautiful high cheek bones, plump and luscious lips, and they love that I am over 6ft tall. I feel like a giant, but I am very lovable and I love that about myself. I don't even know how to continue, I feel as if I am just ranting my life away, and I apologize for that. feel very worthless about my life. People I don't even know personally hate me because of my skin color. It's fine if you hate me, but at least get to know me and have a reason to hate me other than my color of skin! I blame everything negative that happens to me because I am black. I associate black with bad, and I wish I didn't. I have backed down from so many things in my life because of my skin color and feeling like I don't have a say in things or that I am Incorrect on something even though I am 100% sure that I am correct. I feel like I am hiding. I believe that a lot of my problem and the source of my problem is that I have a closed adodption and the little chance or opportunity I would have to find out who I really am is not an option to me because of this closed adoption. I have one picture of my birhtmother and other than that I have never met her, or had anything to do with her, and 18 years later, I am realizing that it's what I would like; something to do with her. Finding out who I am through her. we live of 40 hours apart from each other for all I know. My parents will always be my parents and they know that. They have asked me a few times in my life if I want to meet my birthmother and they tell me they would be fine with it because I am their child and they are my parents, but I have always said "no" to them. I think I want to meet my birthmother, but I feel guilty wanting to do so, but my parents said she is a great person they loved her when they met her, and how they wouldn't mind me meeting her at all. That is saying something because they don't say the same things or even simlar things about my sisters birthmother and would never let them meet. Anyway, I always feel down and guilty because I am black and part of that I believe is because I feel like I don't know who I truly am and I haven't for the past 18 years. I don't like that I am black because I don't like that my skin color defines who I am to complete strangers and even those who do know me. I don't know where to go in my life and where to hold back. It has caused me a lot of hurt and pain so far throughout my life. I dream (hae actual dreams as creepy as it may be) about what my life would be like if I were not black, and I love those dreams! It's crazy isn't it? No matter your skin color, you will always have some sort of bias toward you, and your life isn't perfect because nobody is perfect ( I mean that by saying no matter our skin color, we will always have our trials, even if I were to not be black, I would still have trials as anyone of any skin color would). I just personally don't like being black because I don't have that sense of black community, I don't feel beautiful, smart, or useful. I am grateful for my life an all in it, but I don't feel like I deserve anything. I am sick of always second guessing myself because of the color of my skin, but I am African-American. I am black. It doesn't define me, but I can't deny that it is a part of who I am. It's hard for me at times as it is a part of who I am, but a part that I don't know well. I am just confused, and the confusion consumes my life at times.
Take out the word black and put in the word gay and you get a look at why I understand, somewhat how you feel.
First, I feel you should really gather your strength and conviction about your parents and their love for you,and if you truly desire it, then take them up on that offer to meet your birth mother. What ever experience you have with her will give you some grounding and it will remove the wondering and asking of "what if?"
Secondly, I know from my own experience of feeling out of place because I am gay, that one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my life was self labeling. I saw myself, in some respect as a gay woman. It wasn't until I realized that I am just a woman, like everybody else , that I made progress in how I fit in and interacted with others. No, it doesn't remove anyone's prejudices, but now I don't view those prejudices as something that stifles me, i see it as something that stifles them. i reach for my goals, and dreams and happy despite them. and like everyone else, some times i get judged for one reason or another. I don't care, i don't let the person who won't wait on me in a store because i am gay change me, I say, thank you God that I don't have to interact with dysfunctional judgemental struggling soul today, and thank you for putting some one kinder in their place to help me. some people won't ever change.
but the best thing is , we can change. we can remove the labels and just say it is okay to live our lives any way we want to and disregard the judgements of others. sure, sometimes their behaviors will hurt are feelings, but life isn't fair, but it is full of opportunities. Don't let the narrow view of others shrink your view of the possibilities ahead of you.
and from personal experience , I found that when I removed the self labeling, many others removed the label they had for me too.
good luck and triple hugs of support~
It is an extremely complex social situation. I even though I might be able to explain it ... but I can't.
There are a lot of bad people. SOME of them are black. A lot of 'bad' black people are angry ... and they have a reason to be. One race cannot enslave another (these days) and get away with it. Black anger is the price America pays for doing that ... TO THIS DAY.
The problem with that is we end up with a 'race war' ... with no end .... UNTIL one side apologizes and attempts to compensate, and the other forgives. I don't know if that will ever fully happen in the US.
Back to you, personally. Because of the TWO events referenced above, you DO pay a price for being black, .. and I am sorry and ashamed for that. I am white.
My advice:
1. Be accepting and proud of who you are .... a striking young lady ... as are MANY black females ... because that is exactly what you are.
2. Recognize that you are in a culture that has many serious race issues ... be they right or wrong. That COULD be resolved with a BIG, BIG change .... but I don't know it would be any better.
3. Continue to be the QUALITY person you are. It is the best thing for you to do ... FOR YOURSELF.
4. Definitely arrange to meet your birth Mother. I can only imagine what it would do for you.
5. Study black culture ... going back as far as you wish.
6. Take pride in that you are a part of that culture ... any way you wish ... in positive ways.
7. Use your black heritage and your 'white advantage (education etc provided to you by white adoption)' to work for more racial equality ... ONLY A SUGGESTION.
8. Know what you can change and what you cannot change ... and live your best shot with it.
As I read your post, so many things came to mind, .. and now, I cannot begin to type it all.
I am sorry there is prejudice. I have people of ALL kinds of whom I admire and others I despise. I HATE trash .. white trash, black trash, all trash. I admire people of all kinds. It is a matter of behavior ... not race.
Breaks my heart to hear you suffer so. There is prejudice everywhere. It is a fault of mankind, and I am sorry.
You are, without a doubt, an exceptional and admirable person.
I wish I could make it much better for you.
My first adult relationship was with a lovely person with whom we stayed friends for many years after the relationship part was over. They were from Liberia, and from privilege and had an English accent as they went to the best schools in the world. Coming to America to finish their masters degree was an eye opener. In their country the only white people they knew were care workers helping with various church groups. When my friend tried to identify with the Black American culture, they were shunned. The same bit of prejudice from the elite white Americans they went to school with. They never let it get to them though, because being sure of yourself and your goals in life are more important than ignorance and fear from those that are trite and petty.
Stand proud for all you have done, and you will continue to do great things, the reality is, no , the world sadly isn't color blind yet, but more people who refuse to acknowledge the stupidity of a few by continuing to better their lives, will excel, and you have and will do just that.
"Vet, .. I think you are an idiot". Hmmmm ,. .. well, OK ... but you ARE wrong.
Being RIGHT is very powerful.
I too was pretty much always the only black student in class because I was in a few AP classes. I too was called "sellout" "race hater" and whatever else the BLACK kids called me, which was crazy because you'd thought it'd been the white kids. Then when I started liking white boys it was a wrap! After that I was told I hate my race, nope that wasn't the case.
As for wanting to be a part of the BC well get ready for a whole lot of craziness because unfortunately our "community" isn't all that welcoming to people like us who don't fit the stereotype of how they feel we are supposed to be, ie. you're not black/ghetto enough with 5 kids by 5 different baby daddies/collecting a welfare check/smoking weed/drinking/pants down past your knees, etc.etc.. I kid you not when my oldest was growing up (he's 22 now) I'd always get the side eye of why don't I have more kids because all the girls in my circle had at least 3 or more. I told them because it was hard enough with one trying to go to graduate (I was 3 months from it when I had him) and working full time to not be on welfare. Plus I knew I wanted him to have a decent upbringing than what I had and I couldn't do that with an army, not as a single mom.
On the other hand yes there are people in our community like us out there; We're few and far between nowadays but out here. Now I hope I'm not offending anyone with saying that but unfortunately in my 42 years I've seen both sides and more of the negative than positive.
I think you should try to find your birth mom so you can know where you came from! Please don't feel bad about it, as you said your parents will always be your parents, however finding out about all of you is important.
I'm sure as you found out in HS they really didn't teach much black history; maybe they're doing it a bit more than when I went. But you can always go to your local library and get as many books and things and read. Of course you can google things too! When my oldest was growing up I'd buy him sets of books on famous people in black history and I have a 4 year old now and I'm going to do the same for him.
You should be very proud of yourself for all of your accomplishments! You can do anything you put your mind too! I thought I'd never see a black president in my lifetime but it happened! Be proud of who you are as a person, beautiful black skin and all!
Sadly much of the racial conversation had been hijacked by hate. It is just yelling back and back and solving nothing. Actually the yelling is preferred to the terrible violence. Hate isn't justice. People act stupidly too. Racism is the definition of stupidity. Stereotypes are simple things for minds full of hatred to understand.
You being uniquely you is a public service. It proves the stupidity or Racism and Stereotypes. Thank you for that. Sadly dealing with people acting stupid is just part of life, no matter the race or whichever difference that is had. Hate is just too easy for some people to pass up. That is why it is good to know those who appreciate you for being you. Thank you's to the replies above for proving that we on DS appreciate you for being uniquely you. Please don't feel ashamed of any part of yourself that makes you wonderfully you. I hope this was of any help. Thank you and God Bless.