As the title of this journal entry says, "I am African-American and not proud of it." I would first like to say that I am sorry to offend anyone by saying that, as it is not my intention. I would also like to apologize to any of you who have messaged me and not known this about me. It scares me each time someone messages me on here, because I am afraid that once you find out that I am black, the kind things said to me won't matter anymore and that what has been said to me by anyone on here does not matter anymore and wasn't meant by what you said, because of the color of my skin. I have had the hardest time posting on here because it is a part of me hidden from all of you, but at the same time, it is part of the reason I am depressed at times, and sometimes talking about why you are depressed helps you out, hence the reason this page was created. I don't want any of you to hate me now. I am black, yes, but I am a very well educated woman for my age of 18 and I attend college full time, (except for this semester, I am working to earn money for school so i won't go into debt) I work, and I work hard. I am kind to people, thoughtful, I am not loud or disrespectful. I am not any of the stereotypical things that I have been callled because I am black. I did very well in high school, almost all A's took AP and CE enrollment classes in high school, participated on the student government for many years during public school. I recieved awards my senior year of high school for accademic and other purposes, was above top half bracket for grades in my class of over 500 students (meaning had one of the higher GPA's) and I like to think I am a good person, who makes a lot of mistakes, but learns from them. Even writing this much has already made me feel better, minus the stress of thinking who all on here is not going to like me anymore, but it really has already helped me so much. Now, enough of the background information. I feel lost as an 18 year old girl who is black. What can I do with my life? Where can I go? I live in a prodominatly LDS state (ID) where although it may seem like it gets a bad wrap for racism, I have never felt threatened because of the color of my skin and for that I am grateful. I have had my fair share of bullies, rude comments, cold stares and more because of my skin color, yes. But, I have never felt my life has been threatened because of it, and I feel a lot of that is because of where I live. I have never gotten into legal trouble, (only in trouble by my parents for regular teenage things) before. Speaking of parents, I was adopted at a month old, and my family is white and all biological to my parents except for me and my other black siblings (3 of us). My parents have a pretty fair amount of money (I am not trying to brag about my life) and I have been fortunate and blessed because of it, because I have had everything I have ever needed and more in my life. I have no reason to complain. I feel like a part of me is missing. I love my family more than anything, I really do, but something has always been missing. I feel like I am missing a part of my culture, and that makes me sad. Everyone jokingly always tells my how "white" I am and to be quite fair, it is very true. Aside from my skin color, I feel like I am white sometimes. I often don't even remeber that I am not white and that I am black unless i am filling out paperwork and it asks the question where you fill out the box. So yes, I feel out of place religion wise ( I love my religion but my siblings and I are always the only black ones and everyone else is not). I feel out of place in school being the only black one (I played sports and that put a lot of pressure on me because everyone automatically thought
I was great at sports because I am black) in classes and extra curricular. The sports thing was really hard because I HAD to keep up with everyone's expectations. I sing, but I "dont sing like a black person" and that dissapoints people when the find that out altought I am not a bad singer. I just don't fit in, and i have secretly felt that way my entire life. I don't feel beautiful because I am black, but everyone says I am and that I have the perfect complextion, beautiful high cheek bones, plump and luscious lips, and they love that I am over 6ft tall. I feel like a giant, but I am very lovable and I love that about myself. I don't even know how to continue, I feel as if I am just ranting my life away, and I apologize for that. feel very worthless about my life. People I don't even know personally hate me because of my skin color. It's fine if you hate me, but at least get to know me and have a reason to hate me other than my color of skin! I blame everything negative that happens to me because I am black. I associate black with bad, and I wish I didn't. I have backed down from so many things in my life because of my skin color and feeling like I don't have a say in things or that I am Incorrect on something even though I am 100% sure that I am correct. I feel like I am hiding. I believe that a lot of my problem and the source of my problem is that I have a closed adodption and the little chance or opportunity I would have to find out who I really am is not an option to me because of this closed adoption. I have one picture of my birhtmother and other than that I have never met her, or had anything to do with her, and 18 years later, I am realizing that it's what I would like; something to do with her. Finding out who I am through her. we live of 40 hours apart from each other for all I know. My parents will always be my parents and they know that. They have asked me a few times in my life if I want to meet my birthmother and they tell me they would be fine with it because I am their child and they are my parents, but I have always said "no" to them. I think I want to meet my birthmother, but I feel guilty wanting to do so, but my parents said she is a great person they loved her when they met her, and how they wouldn't mind me meeting her at all. That is saying something because they don't say the same things or even simlar things about my sisters birthmother and would never let them meet. Anyway, I always feel down and guilty because I am black and part of that I believe is because I feel like I don't know who I truly am and I haven't for the past 18 years. I don't like that I am black because I don't like that my skin color defines who I am to complete strangers and even those who do know me. I don't know where to go in my life and where to hold back. It has caused me a lot of hurt and pain so far throughout my life. I dream (hae actual dreams as creepy as it may be) about what my life would be like if I were not black, and I love those dreams! It's crazy isn't it? No matter your skin color, you will always have some sort of bias toward you, and your life isn't perfect because nobody is perfect ( I mean that by saying no matter our skin color, we will always have our trials, even if I were to not be black, I would still have trials as anyone of any skin color would). I just personally don't like being black because I don't have that sense of black community, I don't feel beautiful, smart, or useful. I am grateful for my life an all in it, but I don't feel like I deserve anything. I am sick of always second guessing myself because of the color of my skin, but I am African-American. I am black. It doesn't define me, but I can't deny that it is a part of who I am. It's hard for me at times as it is a part of who I am, but a part that I don't know well. I am just confused, and the confusion consumes my life at times.
Sometimes, when I really feel so hopeless, I take a Tylenol painkiller when I don’t need it...however, it feels like it’s the only way to rid me of the pain. I’m scared that I’ll get addicted to Tylenol pills in the near future. What do I do?
Fear seems to be cunsuming every part of me. Even my dreams. How do all of you cope with it? How do you continue to function when all you can do is worry about the future of your loved one?