Right so you can logically deduce, can't you, that there's something going wrong inside your brain. Because it's not logical to feel like a burden on a bunch of strangers.

Therefore: I think you need to see your doctor, and tell him/her how you are feeling. Doc can either give you a little something to help out, or you can see a counsellor. But you're suffering, and you don't have to suffer. I wasted 40 yrs of my life suffering and I wish I could go back and just get myself sorted at 20. When I was young, and slim, and pretty...

Yes, I'm well aware there's something wrong with me. I suffer with a few things, ptsd being one of them...due to abuse I went thru as a child...my doctor put me on medicine, and I seen a counselor once but I haven't went back... The medicine worked at first, but it isn't working anymore and I've told him that but we haven't changed them...

I do apologize if nothing makes sense, it's currently 5:16am here and I literally got no sleep last night. I'm running on empty so to speak lol.

Talk to your doctor about changing the medication. If they don't, go to another psychiatrist and go back to seeing a counselor or therapist. Take care.

I was you. Kinda. Sorta. Abused as a kid. Married young partly to escape, had kids young as well, got depressed and had a long fight with it, about 8 years worth relatively young. Now, many years later, my kids are grown and mostly gone on their own, my best friend and chief booster, who was my mom died last fall, I had a "mild" stroke in March, and my husband died in April. It's not been much fun at all since. I am having to try hard just to survive day in and day out, as well as keep the old beast of depression at bay some days as well. Some days are better, some are worse, but I keep plugging along. I don't know what the Lord and the future have in store for me, but I know that I do want to find out. I had quite a few good years in between the bad ones, so I know that more good ones may lay beyond this bad time as well, but I do have to be patient enough to wait this bad phase out. It's not easy, but it is also not the same as before. Last time, I didn't know what hit me. This time, it can't very well sneak up on me, because I recognize the signs. Checking in here is one way that I am fighting back. You have to find your own ways to fight back, but a lot of people here may be able lend you some tools and insights that could help you, I think, if you are willing to also keep plugging away. I hope you will. For myself, writing was one way. I wrote every shred of anger, pain, hurt, despair, cursing, frustration, success, failure, prayer, hatred, perceived slight, sob heartbreak, and insecurity.... I screamed with pens and comp book after comp book, after comp book for the better part of the first three or four years. Nobody ever saw or read what I wrote, unless I intended them to, except once, my therapist asked to see a sample once, just to gauge how bad off I was, I guess.
I took her about 12 pages worth, I think. Years later, I burned most of the comp books. I have written a few times since then as well, but nothing like those days. It helps to get the poison out into ink, I believe, and it helps you to have a sort of personal "track record" to look back on a little bit to be able to compare and see what kind of things improves you, or what makes you feel worse. Might consider trying it. The other thing I learned that I had to do was get some sunlight every day. Prolonged cave dwelling indoors all day is just not good for me at all, I have discovered, and I doubt it is good for anybody else. These may seem like things that are too small to make a difference, but they are not. At one point, I also took a night job waitressing, because, heck, I wasn't sleeping anyway. I didn't keep it long mostly because it made being up for my kids and for sunshine all that much harder, but it was good to be out where there was a steady stream of "real people" were outside of my own family issues. Also helped me realize I might not be quite as crazy as some others I ran across at the time. That helped too. ;)

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, girl. I wish I could give you a hug. Your life is precious and you don't need to be hard on yourself. Life can be stressful and intense feelings can be nearly overwhelming at times. I’d suggest that you get help without any delay. Talk to someone about your struggles. Are you seeing a therapist? A caring qualified professional would be in an excellent position to offer support and help you to cope with your difficulties. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will provide the strength and help you need at this time. Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. Stay strong, girl. Hugs!

Thank you all....I will definitely take into consideration the advice each of you have given. It does mean a lot that you would take time out of your day to do so. You guys are amazing....

Lilstarsmum...if you were to hug me, I would literally break down crying... I don't usually do well with hugs, but I could use one right now......I've been debating going to the ER, but I have not made my mind up just yet..