Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have 2 issues going on that I wonder how others would deal with.One friend called to basically demand,I didn't feel as if I were being asked.That I come help her when she has surgery next week because although her husband and 3 adult children who still live home all work,she doesn't want them to miss any days.Well my husband missed work when I had surgery 2 months ago and I never thought to ask her to come help me.She doesn't work but is not disabled.I am on disability.It is not a choice that I am home.But she also lives 2 hrs away so it's not as if I can just bop over each day to help a bit.She wants me to stay for a week.I explained that I can not due to numerous reasons,but mainly because I am still recovering from my own surgery which took more out of me than I expected it to. I never even received a phone call or get well card when I went thru my surgery from her,let alone a visit.But now she is angry and cliams I don't care enough and would help if I wanted to.
The other issue is why do people expect more than they are ever willing to give themselves? Another friend is upset with my husband and I because we said no when she and her husband asked to borrow money.The first thing I thought is what makes her think we have extra money?I rarely if ever discuss our finances with friends.I only know how much she & her husband make because she told me how much they earn when she received a raise last year.And it's much more than we earn.I asked her what made her feel I had the extra money.She replied "Because you said you can't go on vacation this year because your husband used up his vacation days when you had your surgery.Since you won't be using that money for a vacation,my husband and I need a vacation right now!"
I was flabbergasted! I told her we were going to take a few weekend trips instead until he had more vacation time after again after the new year.She said quite shortly she would pay it back before then.I repeated the weekend trips we had planned and would need that money for them.She said I was selfish and hung up. Why is it friends have no problem saying no to me,,and not somthing like this.I could never ask to borrow money or have someone come care for me.But that it is not ok for me to say no to them without having them get angry. Both "friends" I have known for over 20yrs each and always tried to be there for them.But my husband and I always try to be self sufficient. I was already feeling depressed for other reasons but also because neither of them once called me when I had my surgery,but was trying to deal with that issue by just thinking it's summer time and their busy with their own families,etc.Now I'm trying to fugure out how did I miss their selfishness all these years.Was I wrong in some way that I can't see right now? Aside from being hurt by their actions I'm also angry at being treated that way for no other reason than saying I'm sorry but I can't! Am I missing something here?Other from needing new friends. Sorry for the length of my post.
The other issue is why do people expect more than they are ever willing to give themselves? Another friend is upset with my husband and I because we said no when she and her husband asked to borrow money.The first thing I thought is what makes her think we have extra money?I rarely if ever discuss our finances with friends.I only know how much she & her husband make because she told me how much they earn when she received a raise last year.And it's much more than we earn.I asked her what made her feel I had the extra money.She replied "Because you said you can't go on vacation this year because your husband used up his vacation days when you had your surgery.Since you won't be using that money for a vacation,my husband and I need a vacation right now!"
I was flabbergasted! I told her we were going to take a few weekend trips instead until he had more vacation time after again after the new year.She said quite shortly she would pay it back before then.I repeated the weekend trips we had planned and would need that money for them.She said I was selfish and hung up. Why is it friends have no problem saying no to me,,and not somthing like this.I could never ask to borrow money or have someone come care for me.But that it is not ok for me to say no to them without having them get angry. Both "friends" I have known for over 20yrs each and always tried to be there for them.But my husband and I always try to be self sufficient. I was already feeling depressed for other reasons but also because neither of them once called me when I had my surgery,but was trying to deal with that issue by just thinking it's summer time and their busy with their own families,etc.Now I'm trying to fugure out how did I miss their selfishness all these years.Was I wrong in some way that I can't see right now? Aside from being hurt by their actions I'm also angry at being treated that way for no other reason than saying I'm sorry but I can't! Am I missing something here?Other from needing new friends. Sorry for the length of my post.
just say no,especially to someone that didnt offer to help you through your surgery,
she has plenty of people there to ask for help,if she needs it,but she will not bother them
so why does she feel she can demand this,
so yes just tell her you arent able to do it, and if she gets mad ,so be it.
you dont need this emotional blackmale,
sounds like you are needed at home,and some time for yourself to heal also.
please do not feel any guilt,she would not.
and if the friendship ends, so be it it is one sided anyway,and you deserve better friends than this,
and no, you are not missing anything here,but i think she sure is.
the fact that you have a life that does not revolve around her!
hugs
joyce
But thank you again everyone.The feedback did make me feel better and smile! Denise
Everybody likes to be recognised now and again but some people just take the biscuit or to use another culinary metaphore have their cake and eat it.
I say take it as a blessing that you found out what your so called friend was like now rather than in a life or death situation.
The next time you see one of these types of personalities who says they want to be your friend, just run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Never let anybody expect anything from you, you can do something for them by choice or do somebody a favour if they ask you kindly and you have no problem to do it. But if you let sombody expect things from you they will suck all the life out of you.
Hunny you are not obligated to say yes to something that you are not comfortable with or do not want to do. I don't think this person is a very good friend to you. I certainly know that with my friends we all take into consideration each other's situations and localities before we make a request of each other and we don't take it personally if we get turned down.
You need to look after yourself and heal from your own surgery, not trapse around the countryside after a person who obviously thinks you'll do anything at a drop of the hat but refuses to give back in return when you need something.
I had some jerk live with me and did not pay me for a month and I told him he had to leave, he said I was not being a very good Christian to kick him out. Well being a Christian and a doormat are two different things, especially when he can afford cigarettes and vodka, but can't pay me $75 a week. He would eat all my food, I am a single mother on a budget, what a jerk.
You sound in disbelief, but you need new friends who give and take. Not those who take and take and take and never give. SOrry to get on my soap box. I ended up filing bankruptcy trying to help people and no one was there to bail me out.
I know it is hard sometimes to deal with people you've known so long but I'd be willing to bet these people did not suddenly become such self centered jerks. My guess they've been users all along but it is only now that you are in such need that the level of their self absorbtion is becoming painfully aparent.
I'd drop them like hot rocks and look for decent people to make friends with.
There are still good caring people around, look in the mirror and you'll see one, now go look for others to share with who will be truely happy to have someone like you as a friend.