Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
My question is how to address a family member's depression. After about 28 years of happy marriage, we decided to move, had many problems, she did not like a house we agreed to purchase - could not select another one and we are now in a rental home, and my wife is quite depressed and blames herself for problems. Unfortunately she is taking few steps to address them, but just ruminates each day, sits in her nightgown in front of the TV, does little or nothing, mumbles to herself, and sometimes walks around. It seems I have several alternatives:
1. Sarcasm When she does this, I can note the obvious to her, we could review the problems, look for another home, check listings, get some holiday gifts, and work on solving problems to the best of our ability one by one, or you can sit there and complain, accomplish nothing and aggravate me all day and take the one day I have off, and make it annoying and painful- I assume this is the best alternative, as this is what we've been doing the best months.
2. Sympathy I can try to sympathize with her, but saying the same thing 5 to 10 times accomplishes little. It is stressful. Imagine someone who has a bunch of papers in a room, complains about it, but never cleans it, and you can't make the obvious observation that we can clean it. One benefit of this choice is that any element of honesty (1 or 3) seems to make things worse.
3. Anger Tell her, I am seek of this S..t. Fine, you are upset and can't get over it, I'll quit my job, we'll have little money, get a small 1 bedroom apartment in the middle of nowhere, and you can then complain about where we are. I am so f..ing sick of your complaining every day while I am working 60-70 hours trying to have the money for a nice house which you wanted, you are the one who needs the fancy house, fancy kitchen.
She has had significant therapy this year and seems to want to present herself in the best possible light, minimizes problems in group and individual setting, and then comes home and is miserable. Periodically I do come to a therapy session or meeting (with her permission) and lay out the lack of progress and seriousness of the situation which seems to be surprising to them. Unfortunately we are now in a smaller place, and she clings to me needily, so it is quite difficult to even get some quiet or alone time
1. Realize this is her issue. You are not responsible to heal or cure her, to make her happy, or to be miserable with her.
2. You should encourage her to continue her therapy and help her become/maintain medicine compliant. It took about 3-4 years of trying various drug cocktails to find the mix and dosage of psych meds that is the most beneficial.
3. It is helpful to have your own haven in the home - an office, garage or your own bedroom (separate bedrooms saved our marriage and my sanity).
4. Your wife is suffering from depression - she is not feeble-minded. She knows what to do regarding stacks of papers. So nagging or enabling doesn't work here. You can either straighten things yourself for your sanity or ignore things and retreat to your haven. If you decide to straighten and clean things, don't become resentful, feeling that YOU have to clean up after HER. YOU are cleaning up to benefit YOUR peace of mind.
5. If she wants to stay in her nightclothes and watch TV all day, how does that effect you? Does it stop you from doing what you want to do? PS It is not your responsibility to be miserable with her. You do you and let her do her.
6. However, if her lack of progress and the seriousness of the situation is unreasonable, you may want to take a more active role in her treatment plan. Or at least seek your own therapist to help you maneuver this situation with the least impact to your mental health.
take care of yourself.
It can take a long time to recover from depression. I'm glad that you are
able to attend group therapy with her.
She may need to be busier (get out to work part time or volunteer)?
It's very hard to live with someone who is depressed. When I am having
an episode I know it affects my family and that's a horrible feeling. But
at the same time spouses of those who are depressed can be supportive
while taking care of their own physical, social and mental health needs.
I wish you both the best. I wonder if their is a group anyplace (i.e., through NAMI) for spouses of those who are depressed.
Some have said carve out time for yourself, but as she has become far more difficult, she's also more possessive and needy and will ask to come with me wherever I want to go.
She is an intensive program, the people seem nice and capable, but we don't seem to be translating the classroom lessons into productive changes in behavior.
Again the medication does not seem to be doing the trick.
The medications: There are so many medications out there for depression and anxiety. It can take some time to hit the write medications and dosages. Does the program include visits with a psychiatrist? Sometimes people hesitate to change medications because it can mean tapering off one and titrating up on another which can be difficult. But if it's not making a difference, I wonder if it is worth considering a switch, adding something else or increasing the dose.
The other thing is getting out: I wonder if she needs to gradually spend time alone.......to increase her tolerance of being alone. I imagine that her anxiety and depression levels go up when you are gone. Is the program able to work on volunteer, other groups, activity and work and to address her attachment issues to you? Just more questions for thought. Again, wish you both the best with this.
I wonder if a bit of manipulation is occurring.