So on Monday I found out that my dad died 2 yrs ago.  It is a long story.......basically he got a huge inheritance and then he got a new wife and she used his mental unstability and his strokes to help convince him that his family was not his family. She secluded him from us and would not allow us to see him or know anything about him. None of his friends or famlily know as far as I know. I did a google search on Monday that is how I found out. 

My dr asked me yesterday if I was loved and cherished and taken care of as a child..I just laughed.  She said that is why as an adult I can't accept things and why medication isn't working for me (I was diagnosed with c diff about 6 wks ago) I am still sick.  

It really made me realize how alone and disconnected I am (hey of course all this covid crap isn't helping with feeling loved or secure) I asked my daughter to find someplace quiet where she could talk to me  so I could tell her what I had found out about her grandfather...she was at the park with screaming kids........so of course not.......why would she even be available to me for something so monumental.  I told hubby and he gave me a hug said he loved me and went back outside to work on his project.  I haven't told a single "real life' friend....because what the hell do they care and at best I can expect a "wow really sorry you are going through this" end of discussion. 

So now it is up to me........to tell family and friends that he died. And to decide if I should do anything about it. A memorial or just post it on facebook and so be it, or write letters or make phone calls or say nothing at all. His wife.......didn't let anyone know. No one he cared about or knew or was allowed to visit him while he was still alive.  

Anyway.........my question is....no my thought is........what really matters?  family?  friends?  What makes life worth living?  
Well I am alone............so is there really a point to living at all???????????????????? All of this is reinforcing that I just don't count and what the heck is the point. Honestly I don't even know why I am posting this. I don't want platitudes or cliques or false hopes. It is what it is.  I am a good person whose life sucks. And it just keeping getting worse and worse and I am sick of fighting and hoping that one day it will get better.......that one day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that one day someone anyone will care about me and want to put me first and love me the way I hope/think/feel that I deserve to be loved.  
So anyway if anyone does read and reply to this..........please me soft and kind.......as I am on the edge of a cliff at the moment.

And no I have no intention of going on drugs and no I don't have a counsellor and no I am not going to look for one...been there done that and it has never worked for me. I just needed to vent so that I don't explode. I don't need to be fixed -- I am not broken. I just need to be heard.