Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I just feel like I need to vent right now, and see if anyone else out there feels the same way.
Since I was a little kid I learned how to shut down, I always thought of it as "making my heart hard" when I was a kid. I was a foster kid and neglected/abused enough that I learned how to "not feel" when things got very bad, I remember when I was very young making myself as still as I could and concentrating and feeling my chest constrict. This is a practice that I unfortunately carried into my adult life.
I feel like most of my life I have spent pushing people away. I do things that I don't even realize I am doing until much later that seem designed to keep people away. I am terrified of being hurt again. When my baby died a few years ago was the last time I think I had friends, and I mean real friends that you can be yourself with, and since then I feel myself becoming more and more isolated and angry.
(Keep in mind please, this is me venting on a bad day.)
I barely cry anymore, and I was just sitting here crying for the first time in months and thinking, "you should be crying every GD day for how sad you are all the time" and then I realized I don't cry because I taught myself to be "cold" a long time ago. I don't think I allow myself to feel any REAL emotions anymore because I am too afraid.
Please do not lecture me on therapy, save that for another day. I am just looking for other lost people who can tell me I'm not alone in berating yourself into not feeling...
Since I was a little kid I learned how to shut down, I always thought of it as "making my heart hard" when I was a kid. I was a foster kid and neglected/abused enough that I learned how to "not feel" when things got very bad, I remember when I was very young making myself as still as I could and concentrating and feeling my chest constrict. This is a practice that I unfortunately carried into my adult life.
I feel like most of my life I have spent pushing people away. I do things that I don't even realize I am doing until much later that seem designed to keep people away. I am terrified of being hurt again. When my baby died a few years ago was the last time I think I had friends, and I mean real friends that you can be yourself with, and since then I feel myself becoming more and more isolated and angry.
(Keep in mind please, this is me venting on a bad day.)
I barely cry anymore, and I was just sitting here crying for the first time in months and thinking, "you should be crying every GD day for how sad you are all the time" and then I realized I don't cry because I taught myself to be "cold" a long time ago. I don't think I allow myself to feel any REAL emotions anymore because I am too afraid.
Please do not lecture me on therapy, save that for another day. I am just looking for other lost people who can tell me I'm not alone in berating yourself into not feeling...
Hugs
Losing a child is one of the most devastating things an adult can go through. I'm sorry for your loss.
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"Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It is originally an unlearned feeling process. Keeping grief inside increases your pain." - Ann Grant
I find that it helps a bit to know which adult attachment style you have and how that particular style affects those that have it. Knowing that information can make it easier to cope with and make sense of how we feel and perceive things.
I have a very hard time crying as well. The same walls that keep things in, keep me from expressing my anger, hurt, and grief.
You're aren't alone. I'm here not feeling with you.