Everything in my personal body/personal space has gone wrong for 48 years. I am weak/broken when it comes to altercations in the physical and mental warfare. I have always let my friends and family push me over in every sense until it has broken me both physically and emotionally.

I have been in and out of courts for the past 11 years with 1 woman trying to do what's best for the children but ending up doing what's best for her;ultimately not fighting hard enough for the children.This has caused struggles throughout the years.

My oldest was forceble removed from his mothers and step-father when he was 17 because he was dating a 18 year old girl who was stronger than my ex. He lived with me until he graduated and then instead of going off to college he moved into an apartment and did the job route. A few months later they became pregnant, after the birth they sperated, a few months after that he is moving in with a 26 year old female and her two boys that live 35 miles from here.--read between the lines--there is a lot of stuff that I am not telling here.--. 

My youngest has PTSD because he almost seen me die of a seizure; in fact, he was the one who rolled me over and kept shouting at me and called his PAPA-and just plain stayed with me. The seizure was a grand mal and I had rolled out of the futon bunk bed where he was on top; he ended rolling out because of this too and we both crashed onto this computer desk. Once he saw the blood and that I wasn't responding he freaked out. He was 11 at this time.

My youngest son now lives with me full time because my ex couldn't handle him;gotcha moment! She made a mistake after all these years and I took advantade of it. I took her back to court for all the defeated men in history, and I WON!!! With a few little strings to tie up here and there but that's a victory of stress and depression I can wipe of my Platter. But my son...it started fine, I would ask if he was doing his homework, he would tell me yes; I would ask him to help with something around the house (I live in my fathers basement) he'd say sure. Then I found out that he was turning in his homework, he stopped wanting to help me out HE DID"T DO THE THINGS I ASKED ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY ON THE VIDEO GAMES AND PLAY WITH HIS FRIENDS UNTIL DARK AND AND AND AND...you see

So between all my personal Doctors appontments (approx 17 mo.) My 31 Prescription medications with no pain relievers; PAIN + Mental = hard to cope. And before you suggest, I am seeing someone, two someones in fact.

Sunday morning, Fathers day- I tell my youngest to get ready we have to be at the party in 18 min. He says, "for what?" My oldest has not called. We get to the party and the pool looks refreshing. My brother is doing another last minute vacuuming. My sister in law hands me a glass of wine because they drank all the beer the night before but some was coming. I am in the pool it's cold, taking some of the pain away.

I start laying my face on the side of the water and I am talking to myself while I am doing this. "This feels so nice, I can sniff the water in it tastes so good." I can smell the sunshine..." It was right then when my so grabbed me and said, Come on Dad, get out of the pool!" I replied back with a calm manor, "just let me go Jake." The next thing I knew my brother was grabbing me by my left arm and pulling me to the steps. "I was telling him that he was hurting my are." I have a rotator cuff injury on my left shoulder. This is how I knew I was coming back from the little journey I had.

I don't know if this was an unconscious attempt at suicide or not, I don't advocate for suicide, totally against it. I just thought at that moment that was so tranquill, that's how people "see the light" or as in my case, "smell the sunshine." And they let them succumb.

Glad I had my son JAKOB and brother STEVE with me on Father's day for I would never be able to share this experience today.