It's been about a month now that I have felt totally worthless and useless. I really try to find some sort of motivation. I get out of bed smoke a cigarette, which I know isn't healthy for me, but it gives me a break from laying in bed. While I am smoking I think and plan that I am going to go back in my room and start working on something that would help me get back on track. After I finish the cigarette I walk into my room with slight motivation to do something, but once in there I just feel hopeless all over again. I lay down in my bed and force myself to go to sleep and ignore reality until it's time for me to smoke again. I want to try and get out of this, but it's so hard because something just comes over me and makes me feel so sad that the only thing I can do is go back to sleep. On top of than I feel like I'm being selfish because it's people out there who are worst off than I am. I channel that thought in hopes of motivating me to get up off my butt and do something, but this depression has such a strong hold over me now, and has for so many years. I just don't have an understanding of why I have to feel this way. Why can't it just go away? I know that I am smart and able I have seen it, I have accomplished some stuff in my life, but why am I here again? It's like a pattern of feeling good doing something such as school, work, etc and at the height of doing well I just start to feel like crap. It's not fair I just want to be happy and successful! Today I laid in bed praying to God to forgive me of any sins that I have committed and just take me from this world to be in heaven so I don't have to deal with this up and down rollercoster. Like always when I write out my feelings I can actually visualize all the things that are making me feel so bad and I just want to go back to sleep. Until next time guys, pray for me.
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