It would probably be MUCH easier to find out what happiness is and how to get it than to check out of living. This IS something that can be learned. There are books on the subject, religions on the subject, philosophies on the subject .....

Happiness has been a goal of humans for THOUSANDS of years ,... and there is a science to it. It is 'learnable'.

I don't know if you have a diagnosis .. but you MIGHT have 'anhedonia':

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

which is treatable. You don't want to live your entire life without happiness. I do not believe you are incapable of attaining it though you seem to be convinced of it. Perhaps that is the problem..

Thank you, I am glad in a way I'm not alone, but then it says "There is no validated treatment for social anhedonia"
That if it exists it involves friends and family I don't have.... I am okay with just existing until I die, I just need to know how you stop everyday hurting...
I don't mind living my life without happiness, I don't care that much, I just want to live my life without awareness or sadness.... how do I do that?

First of all, .. you may not HAVE anhedonia. Need a medical diagnosis. Even then ... YOU decide if you are going to have happiness or not .... not doctors. Don't let Wikipedia diagnose you.

If you have family problems .. that source is from the OUTSIDE and can be resolved. If that is the case, you need to study a way out and away. Even if it is PART of the source.

You mention family and friends who would miss you--do they know how much you are hurting?
You also talk about looking for a job--must be hard to do while feeling so crappy. I understand how painful depression is especially when it lasts for a long time, is deep and/ or often recurs.
I recently bought a book called WRAP==Wellness Action Recovery Plan by Mary-Ellen Copeland, who herself had a serious mood disorder. In this short and affordable book she rights about putting together a recovery plan, step by step.
She had been depressed to the point of disability and inability to participate in life, yet against all odds, she courageously began to work with others who were hurting and ultimately became a
best selling author.
I would try her book--can't hurt and so sorry that you are in pain.

Thank you, I just don't believe I am able to have happiness, each day just gets worse, I'd hope if I had it I wouldn't feel the sadness I feel, but I do, so I probably just have a shitty life and no real diagnosis.

How do you numb yourself? Anyone? Help me please?

JannT may have just saved your life. Take her up on it.

Ive had to make it a point to laugh at something everyday make somekind of joke... but it has recently become really impossible to do lately... I am seriously suspicious of every one around me and feel closed in. Maybe what you need is not an antidepressant but some kind of medicine that helps you relax or even a different hobby other than playing video games for variety. At least maybe try a nice walk in an area you have not gone yet before.

Hi,
Can't blame you for feeling the way that you do. The numb feeling is not such a good one. I wish I had some helpful advice but I don't as I've been feeling down myself. All I can say is that I think I understand what you are going through.
orion

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm

I understand the need for wanting your medicine to help u escape.
Especially if your meds are making you jumpy. The teeth grinding is stress. Job hinting is a big stressor too, one I'm dealing with too, living hand to mouth, with children.

So, it sounds like you are having feelings of suicidal ideation. I get this when life is so iverwhelming and relationships strained that I ask, "how much longer can I go on?"

I also have/had a plan in my head..hv to wait until my mother dies or my youngest turns 18.

But, this is really unhealthy because supposedly it's not time yet. And the depression can be so bad at this stage that a person can't think rationally. So, medical intervention may help and I encourage you to tell your counselor how u r feeling. He or she may have u sign a paper saying u won't harm ypurself.

I understand how you feel. And there are ways to feel better. There are programs too. Building a support network helps. Glad that you reached out here.

It sounds like you have already opted out of life, in all but the basic physical sense of it. Please consider opting back into life. JannT has given you a good reference.

Can you try introducing things into your life, things that only involve you, and work on finding pleasure in that? Reading, painting, doing puzzles, walking, working out, take classes in things that are just for fun (and not for a grade).

These are the things that I'd suggest doing to make it through life.

Gentle hugs.

i think i know exactly how you feel... when i read your words, they feel like ive typed them

i suggest getting pets (at least 2)

cats, dogs, mice, gerbils, fish, birds, whatever you can have where you live, and take care of

i cant have cats or dogs here... so this time ive chosen fish... they're relatively cheap, and i can either futz with the tank all day or just sit and watch them... they sometimes bring smiles to my face... they sometimes make me wonder a lot about what they're doing... it keeps me semi-busy taking care of them... and most of all, because of them, it matters if i exist or not

i would rather have cats or dogs, but i do enjoy my fish... you can start small, just a goldfish in a bowl... or you can go to the extreme with a huge tank and monsterous fish... or anything in between

(actually id still have my fish if i could have cats... and i have no idea how to train a dog so i prolly wouldnt have one if i could)

anyway...

another way ive found to "numb out" for the day, is kitten cams

ive found a growing community of kitten cams online... on livestream and ustream (i preffer livestream)... they're fostered kittens, and sometimes the moms, getting healthy and ready for adoption... and i can sit for hours and just watch them... theres also some chat but i dont get into that

the third way ive found to numb myself out is just being busy, with anything... housework, my fish, the kitten cams, playing games, trying to do work... anything works

try to find a hobby that can keep you busy... it doesnt matter what it is... maybe try the very first thing that popped into your mind when you read the word 'hobby'

ignore the little voice in your head thats telling you 'oh well it'll suck cause of this and that' and try it anyway... that voice doesnt know everything... it just assumes a lot

and if you try the first hobby for a week and decide its really not for you, try the next one that pops into your head

(and yes of course, finding a job would help a lot too)

i hope this has been of some help

*hugs* if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me

I am so sorry you are feeling this way I truely am. Depression can take a hold of you and take over your life. But life doesn't have to be this way. Look into the small things that make you happy like you said you want a computer to play games.
Do you have a smart phone? You can get lots of games on that. And if you doctor won't listen to you find a new one. You need to be on something different. Find someone safe you can talk to, see a Therapist or journal. Journaling helps me a lot.

The medication I was on was lexapro befor I got switched to Cymbalta but I also deal with panic attacks and anxiety. But the Lexapro was making my depression worse, I wanted to die, I was always having self harm thoughts. Now on Cymbalta I can tell my mood is much better!

You need the right medicine and someone to confide in. I hope you can get that. Don't give up. Life can be happy! !

DONT GIVE UP.
HOPE IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER................
GBU
D
;-]

I guess this will sound sad to some people, but...I don't look for "happy". I've never really understood what that word means. It seems too intangible and flighty to me.
Instead, I embrace contentment. One time I was sitting on my couch reading and listening to music. I had my dog next to me and my cat in my lap. I remember looking up from my book, gazing around me and thinking.. "I wish this scene would last forever. I feel so very content".
That was decades ago but I still remember it. Right now, I look over at my cat curled up on the blanket next to me. She is sleeping...and just watching her gives me good feelings

Play and win the lottery.