Ok, the past few months have been horrible!! As anyone whose read my posts might know, quite a while ago I had trouble with strange emotional/psychological reactions from marijuana, needless to say I quit for a pretty long period of time (I will not go into my drug activity in this post, I will only say that I do not and have never had any kind of addiction problem.. despite a few rather lame attemtps at becoming addicted to something). Well, as usual life went on. This depression that I seem somewhat stuck in came and went and came and went the way it normally does, wreaking havoc on me in many different ways, such as causing some serious problems sleeping. This is the most troublesome one because eventually I'm just not able to concentrate or function.. unfortunately its always one of the first symptoms of depression for me. I've found a few things that help, mainly vitamin B3 (Niacin), an herb called Passionflower, and this over the counter (OTC) sleep aid called unisom.. The most effective at treating my disrupted sleep (and its gotten to the point where no matter what I do I can only naturally get like 4-6 hours of sleep a night), its also the most expensive.

So as usual, depression in general came in waves for a while, sometimes getting worse, other times it was at least manageable without having to take anything ... and then like 3 months ago it just seemed to peek... and stay that way.... I have found things that would make it at least manageable and rarely but sometimes even lessen the pain I seem to feel quite constantly but it never truly goes away anymore.. there have been times when during work I come dangerously close to loosing any control at all and I'm just barely able to hold back any tears that come. This is especially stressful since I work in sales, I have to interact with people constantly (which I've never been good at to begin with.. as my boss has repeatedly pointed out.. he really is irritatingly positive about everything and for some reason insists on keeping me in sales even though I've requested training in a position I know I'd be better in).

Often times when I get home from work I'm just overwhelmed with intense feelings of sadness and loneliness.. sometimes to the point where I feel like I really should just get it over with and overdose on anything/everything so can just go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to live anymore, I hate my life, I hate the way I feel every day, I hate the fact that pretty much everything I've ever tried to make things better ALWAYS ends up making things worse.. I hate that this depression noticeably keeps getting more and more intense. It still comes in waves but in the past there were always periods where it was either gone completely or not soo bad that I'd want to kill myself as soon as I got the chance.

I can't stand life anymore! I can't live like this forever and I often wonder how much longer I can force myself to endure it until it finally gets to be too much and I end up seriously harming if not finally killing myself. I have whatever I could want to possibly overdose. In all my attempts at lessening my pain and intense depression I've unintentionally given myself what I would need to overdose terminally if it ever got bad enough.

I had a roommate for a little while, FINALLY some company and he was suffering from pretty much the same emotional problems as I was. It helped A LOT to have SOMEONE around but my dad and his wife, in all their pig-headed stupidity pretty much told him to get the fuck out so once again I'm stuck up there alone... neither my dad or his wife know of my struggle or my ex roommates struggle. He was the brother of this girl I used to be really close friends with.

But I stupidly let myself fall in love with her.. love, in my experience has been the most destructive emotion I could ever feel. It hurts soo much to see anyone in any kind of romantic relationship, healthy or not because thats something that seems impossible for me. I've never had anything like that and I feel like I could never have anything like that. Things have finally started to go back to normal with her and it seems like we're becoming close again but because of my feelings for her she seems to want to keep some distance with me (yes, she knows.. you'd think this would help but it has only ever made things worse).

Pathetically enough, love is also the only thing keeping me from killing myself now. Very few people know of my problems with depression, fewer know how intense its gotten in the past (and only like 2 of them are family) and VERY few of those people know how intense it is now.

I finally stopped even trying to keep the distance I was trying to keep with my friend because I needed someone. Didn't even matter anymore what kind of relationship it was (romantic or not) I needed that close friendship back..

On the day I was gonna tell her all of this, tell her how bad things are getting and how many times I've seriously thought of killing myself the past few weeks or so, her brother left the country and as she was driving him to the airport he told her pretty much the same things. She was pretty upset when she met with me and I really didn't want to put more stress on it so I spend the rest of our time together that night just doing whatever I could to help her feel better. I bought us dinner and we watched movies all night

Just hanging out with her usually helps me feel better so helping her feel better helped a lot though I could tell it was still bothering her. For that and another reason which will not be mentioned here (despite the strangeness of it) I've been feeling somewhat better though worried about her and her brother (since I'm still kinda close with them both), but I finally started to open up to her more.

I wanted to tell her I've been in her shoes, I've had to talk people out of suicide four times in my life and succeeded all four times.. though it recently occurred to me that as far as I know only one of the 3 people I've had to talk out of suicide is still alive. I had to talk my late best friend out of it twice... he eventually did kill himself last summer but I didn't have the chance to even talk to him at the time and hadn't heard from him in months, I lost contact with the first person I had to do that for a few months after the night I had to talk her down from it so I really don't know and I have no idea how to get back in touch with her.. I'm pretty sure my friend now has never been in this situation before, she seemed pretty freaked out by it and said she had never seen him (her brother) like this before.

There's a lot that I still haven't gotten to tell her, that I feel I really should tell her but I wont get the chance to for a few weeks (she's going on a trip with her mother around the US mainland, we live in Hawaii).

I know I need to go get some professional help, but because of my financial position right now and because my hours at work are being cut soo much I can barely afford to pay my dad rent, even my living situation is sooo unstable that I'm kind of trapped. I tried to help my dad and his wife and despite numerous conversations they still refuse to accept my advice, my input about this place, or really anything helpful that I could possibly do to improve things..

The fact that I'm soo close to complete financial ruin, homelessness, and unemployment REALLY isn't helping my psychological state of mind and now my dear idiot father and his strangely even more ignorant and apparently quite dimwitted wife are raising my rent. When I asked him why they are doing this he pretty much regurgitated the same thing I've told him repeatedly but he continues to ignore me when I tell him this helps no one and they end up loosing even more money, not to mention refusing to let me get ANY ROOMMATES AT ALL is burning a rather gigantic hole in their pockets. They've stupidly, greedily, pig-headedly turned down some really great offers for the two vacant rooms in this house and they've said no to everyone. Although my dad didn't know it, he pretty much encouraged my ex roommate to kill himself. He wanted to keep it a secret that this guy was staying with me, told him he is invisible, doesn't matter at all and shouldn't leave any trace that he even exists.

This is quite obviously an incredibly stupid decision on my dad's part because his wife almost divorced him for doing something similar in the past, not to mention that my friend (as we both told him repeatedly) wanted to rent the room and was willing AND able to pay the amount that they were asking. However, because of the way my dad worded everything and treated the situation my friend moved out because he didn't want to break them up (yeah, even he know this was a stupid decision on my dad's part).

I can't even afford my own debt and now I have to handle their's. I have to live with their idiotic decisions, I have to pay for THEIR stupidity, I have to handle their weight as well as my own.

As for my employment, My hours were cut significantly pretty much RIGHT AFTER Dad told me they are raising the rent. I've talked to my boss about this, I've tried asking for advice, I've tried asking if I could switch into a different position that I'd be better at, I've tried improving my performance on the sale's floor (which I surprisingly enough was able to improve, though not nearly enough or in the way that satisfy's my manager). I'm good at customer service, but I'm horrible at selling the things that matter. It seems I'm pretty much as worthless and useless to my bosses as I am to everyone ELSE in my life now.

To make it worse, if I COULD get more hours, I'd get health insurance, and then I'd be able to finally go get myself checked out, get the help I need which would hopefully at least improve my performance on the sales floor as well as take care of my financial struggles. But with these hours, thats pretty far away and with my constant struggle just to keep myself borderline functional, probably almost impossibly to achieve. I'm almost out of passionflower and unisom and when that happens I'll start loosing more sleep, get spacier and less functional...

And here's the pathetic thing: The only reason why I continually stop myself from suicide is because I don't want to cause this kind of pain to anyone I love and care about... how pathetic is that, the very emotion that! I hold on for the most destructive emotion I have ever know. The same emotion that has ripped apart the relationships I valued the most, pushed my closest friend away, lead me into increasingly darker depressions is the same stupid emotion that keeps me from killing myself.

........ Back when I was seeing the school counselor he gave me this card with a suicide hotline on the back, since then its just been sitting in my wallet.. I know there are people I could talk to but I don't. I hate how part of my own thoughts seems so isolated from everything else and stays rational, reminding me that there are friends I can talk to, even the ones that I've pushed away... I think without that rational part of me, faint thought it might be sometimes, I probably would have killed myself years ago, when I first started having problems with suicidal thoughts.

A few months ago it almost got to that point though. I tried to starve myself and went three days without food or water. I would have gone longer.. at some point though, that same part of me simply just thought "this is ridiculous, a major part of my problem right now is the distance between me and one of my closest friends... a distance that, at this point I myself am creating." So thats when I finally got back in touch with her after like two weeks of silence. I told her I really needed someone to talk to and could we please meet sometime. It felt good to talk to her again but I didn't open up to her as much as I used to, at the time I was mainly more worried that she would blame herself for what I'm going through even. I asked her not to, told her that I needed our close friendship back and any harm our relationship might be causing now was more self-inflicted and really isn't her fault.. Having her back in my life is definitely helping but I'm still too hesitant to rely on her as much, especially with everything else falling apart so rapidly.


Well this has been a long LONG rant mostly about how much life sucks and how pathetic, depressed, worthless and lonely I am. ONWARD! To endure yet another day/night of this.. wondering how much more of it I can take, how much more intense does it have to get until even love isn't enough to keep me from becoming a serious danger to myself.