Bad nightmare last night.  Mirrored my life.  So weird.  At the end the nightmare voice said "what is the lesson".  It's too late to go into detail now.  It was awful and it was just life real life.  What is the lesson?  I don't know.  I mean I know but knowing doesn't do any good.

What I really want to write about is how every human being in my life has let me down.  I feel the most connection here and no offense, but that is really disturbing to me.  I called the suicide hotline last night and got some chirpy non compassionate type person.  It made me feel even more alone.

I have to somehow get through the next 6 months of work, hell, just getting through tomorrow seems impossible.  I need a love, real love.  I need that so bad.  I need someone who is on my side and who has my back and can help me out once in awhile even financially.  I need a break so bad and I'm not going to get it.

I'm missing my bedtime.  better get to bed.  i go to bed angry almost every night, like really angry, in a rage, acid blood in my veins and gut.  there is something wrong with me.  Really.  I'm not normal.  My life is a terrifying nightmare of loneliness, disconnection and physical pain and hardship and gaslighting and manipulatoin and abuse from my family.

I've been overeating a lot because it makes me feel good temporarily and dulls the pain.  I just want this nightmare to end.  It all started and continues with having an awful, crazy family.  I cannot shake them.  I just cannot get them out of my life.  They will kill me.  They will kill me if I cannot get away from them.