Hello I just ant to let you know that you are not alone. We all have times of difficulty and I would like to help. Although I am just a stranger online I think that reaching out is a step in the right direction. The "what if" scenario can lead to a lot of unwarranted worry. I seem to do it a lot myself. I hope you can find some of the peace of mind you are looking for on this site. I am here if you need to vent. We all need to vent ocassionly. I will friend you if you don't mind
Respectfully
David

Life is in perpetual motion. Always moving us toward change. Relying on people, things, jobs etc will leave you empty again when the inevitable visitation of change alters all of those. You need to find a "constant " that is within you. Existence is all we have when we don't recognize that "gift" within us. The one we were born with that proves to be beneficial when we incorporate within the lives of others somehow.

Whether it's a talent you possess that brings something GOOD which affects another human being in a positive way. Or a passion toward a cause for the humane care of hurting animals. Something that is alive in your soul that would make a marked difference in another life... that is the "constant " we all need and one that moves smoothly with perpetual changes of life. There are always living souls who NEED that which you were born with to share.

You will find that you won't be searching for joy, because it will have already found you.

Look outside of your world of pain, whatever form it takes. Turn your perspective toward another's needs and do "something ". Give of yourself and watch you life change. Your questions will find answers... it's literally impossible to remain in ignorance to the what ifs. We are all in this world for the same purpose, which is to make life better for other broken, hurting souls. If we can look outside of our own misery long enough to somehow enrich another's life...healing comes to our own soul. ❤

I understand how you are struggling. I have a son who has had major depression for over 13 years. We started seeking treatment as he was going through puberty. He had a suicide attempt when he was 15. My son is now 29 with so many skills and talents but is hard for him to see them. I can make all the suggestions in the world and explain that happiness is a choice, a perspective, etc. I love my son, and I hate depression. He is currently undergoing ect which scared me tremendously, however after years of medications that only basically got him through the day we were both willing to do something more. So far things are looking good. I do believe that looking outside yourself and engaging and supporting others is helpful to all. I truly hope that you take a moment to look outside yourself and realize that life can be lived in the moment and that you don't have to be perfect to deserve happiness. The times our son was the best was when he was helping with our adopted daughters who had experienced much trauma and rejection. I know it is hard but giving of yourself to others will make you the ultimate winner! Survive today but challenge tomorrow, you really have so much to offer the world and there are so many people that will need and be grateful for your support. We all need you and each other!

Sorry for how you are suffering. Life at times is very, very rough. It sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist at this time and venting your feelings and coming up with a plan on how you can Move forward. You can go forward and start a new season of life. Please get the help you need to do that. Don't suffer and keep to yourself. A therapist and medication are helping me to move forward.

I hear your pain,i too have messed up and wonder if i will get another chance at happiness.I have isolated and beaten myself with guilt and shame for no reason. I have to realize that "I hold the key or noose , i have a right to happiness just like anyone else , God forgave me ,now i have to.Give yourself a chance,try something new.Faith.