I am in so much pain, I feel like I am losing my mind.  So I was in a lesbian relationship for two years that ended 9 months ago that still feels life yesterday.  The relationship ended because she said I didn't make her feel secure because I didn't have a conversation with her to say that we were dating exclusively.  When we met I was just ending a 6 year relationship, however, she was ready for a relationship. I laid everything g out of  the table about where I was in my process and that there were things that I needed to work on.  she said she understood and would not rush my process, but she did.  Two weeks after we started hanging out she started bring up marriage. Everytime she brought it up I would shut down as at that time I wasn't ready to hear about that. She continued this for a while and Everytime I would shut down. She started getting annoyed and would talk about it less.  I realized that the less she talked about it, the more open I became as I had time to process my feelings. I realized that I wanted to be with her, in a relationship, however, I asked her to give me some time to work on some issues with myself while we dated as I did not want to project them on her. She agreed, she told me to come to her when I was ready.  Through all this time she lived with me with her 2 kids for about 6 minths, she asked me to start going to church more often with her (she had asked me before and I went once in a while) however, when she asked me again I started going more often because I realized how important it was for her. We were vacationing together with the kids, spending most of our time together.  She was not seeing anyone else so neither was I, in my mind we were in a relationship. I had some legal stuff that I was working out and so once that was out of the way I asked her out to dinner so we could talk about taking the next step. She had told me to go to her when I was ready.  We got to dinner and I started talking to her about the next step in our relationship only for her to tell me that she was dating. I was crushed. I understand that it took me some time to make that move,but she told me that I should come to her and that she would wait. I also understand that people have a right to change their mind, but why not come to me and let me know before starting a whole other relationship. I still can't understand how we end up here when I was taking the necessary steps to make sure that we did this right.  I did not have concerns about being with her, I wanted to be with her and only her, however, I was expecting to work through my issues so that I would not project them until her, I thought moving at a slower pace would be good for us both, apparently it wasn't.  It's been 9 months and my heart is still shattered, I am broken, I can't function at work or Inife in general, I can't sleep, I can't eat and have lost so much weight.  I still cry every day for the past 9 months.  She still calls me most days, says she loves and cares for me but just wants to be my friend, she wants to help me through this as a friend. How can I be friends with a person that I am deeply and completely in love with?  Watching her with another woman, doing the things that we did together, the same woman that she started dating a month before I found out, at dinner.  How can she help me through this when she is the source of my pain?  I wish I had the strength to walk away, but everything that I have tried have failed. I am consumed and can't think about anything but her, my heartache becomes physical pain, this is killing me, literally. She takes this woman to church, I was with her at church in May and in June she had this woman at church with her.  Everything important in her life she does with her, I support her kids on the sidelines for school, but an award comes up for them at church or school and though I out in all the work, the woman gets to go and I can't. This is all excruciating pain, i am so broken.  I am seeing a therapist and on medication for anxiety, depression and PTSD, but nothing has goes. Numerous medication change, no relief for me.  I have anxiety every day, I can't function.  I know I need to cut contact, however, I can't find the strength to do so.  Her kids still come to my house sometimes, this is too much, I can't cope, I need help, I just can't cope.  I am having a nervous breakdown and my son who is on the autistic spectrum is now depressed because I am depressed.  I do to know how to get out of this state, I desperate need advise and support, this isiterally Kling me mentally and physically, I am emotionally drained, I have nkthingeft to give, I can't cope. I need help