I am not sure what to post this, I am not even sure if anyone is reading this, or cares, maybe I just need to write it out and then maybe I don't know. I hate not being on my meds, depression is a bitch to control to begin with, but its even harder of a demon to deal with, without the help of medication. 

So basically the last month or so has been a rollar coaster, finding out that my Son may only have 3 heart chambers instead of 4 and that they can't fix it until after he is born has probably been one of the most stressful situations that I have ever been in. I have had my world of shit, and have not had it easy, but the fact that I just keep thinking what did I do wrong and that this is not just my life, but my son's life is in danager its slowly killing me inside. We have an appointment with a specialist on the 15th of this month, but it still is a while away, and all I can do is sit around and wait for the appointment. I am trying my hardest not to stress about it, because I know he feeds off of my emotions. 

I never thought that I'd miss work, weeks leading up to being put on bedrest, I hated going to work, like with a passion, I was getting frustrated and tired of my job, and overall just hating it, which is something that I am not use to, because since working there a little over 2 years ago, I have greatly enjoyed working there, but weeks leading up to my leave of absense something in me changed, and now I'd give anything to be healthy enough to go to work. Being on bedrest sucks, like really sucks! I am allowed 20 minutes of activties 2 times a day and that is it. I am limited to the bed, the couch, or the computer chair. Everyone in my house has to work, so I am alone all day long and it sucks. I miss seeing people, and having someone to talk to. I try and keep busy, I'm currently making a baby blanket for my son, I binge watch Netflix & Hulu, I have adult coloring books that I work on, and I am in the middle of reading a few good books, but it gets borning. Its sad when my highlight of the day is walking to go get the mailbox. I just miss people. I always thought of myself as an introvert until about 2 years ago when I started my job, and it really brought me out of my shell. I just miss my friends, hell I even miss the members yelling at me, that's bad, I know. :( 

Last week we found out that our landlord will not be renewing our lease, we all went into a panic, wondering what the hell we were going to do, freaking out, as if we don't have enough stress going on, we now have to worry about where we will be living in a month, so while everyone was at work, I got my ass on the computer and I started looking, at everything and anything that I could find, searching through the web, through craglist, through facebook, through it all, finally after a post I made on facebook, a friend refered me to her realator, who had a house that would be available after the 4th, so I contacted her, and we met and saw her today, and we got so lucky! We found the perfect house today, its so much bigger than what we have now, and a lot cheaper too, we move in on the 23rd and I am kind of glad to be moving, too many bad memories here, it will be nice to be moving to a new house to make new memories. I am glad we found something so quick and we don't have to stress about being out by the end of August, I am also glad that the place is cheaper, bigger, in a very nice neighborhood, and is just a nice place to live. There is an extra room for a nursery which makes me so very happy. I have a feeling I am really going to enjoy living there. 

I realize that I am all over the place and that most of this won't effect anyone, and I get that, and I respect that, I just am feeling all alone right now, I feel like every time something good happens, not too far down the road something horrible follows. I was told I'd never be able to get pregnant again, and I gave up on being a mother a long time ago, once I passed my 10 weeks with my son, I opened my heart again, I believed again, and I got excited again, and if something happens, it will kill me, I am scared, and I feel so freaking alone right now.