I don't know what started it tonight. It must have been a thought that led to a series of thoughts that led to me in the fetal position sobbing. I think it began with me wishing my dad and I had our old relationship back. Somewhere around fifteen I disconnected with him...I was not a horrible teenager, only mildly rebellious by most standards...dated some bad boys.... but I think that decimated our relationship. We have an alright relationship by most standpoints but even now i feel awkward around him, I know I lost my status as his baby and have become some strange alien to him. I'm 22 and a senior in college. All i can think about tonight is my childhood and how badly I wish I could go back. I'm not delusional...childhood was not a walk in the park. I had no friends at school and was constantly picked on...but my home life was almost perfect. I am close to my mom still just in a different way...one i can bare...but me and my dad used to sit and talk to each other now we joke sometimes but I can honestly say I feel too awkward to even hug my father...which makes me really really sad. I remember being so happy to wake up everyday as a kid. My parents tried really hard to make my childhood ideal and they succeeded now as i am entering into adult hood I am fearful of it and looking back wanting that childhood back. I want how I used to be with my dad back. I don't want to enter this scary adult world...which has already thoroughly chewed me up in just my teen and early twenties. The guy I am with now while I love him hes far from ideal...Its so unrealistic but if i could i would go back to four years old and start over. My life isnt awful now, My parents are trying really hard to make my life as perfect as they did when I was a kid but I'm still sad. I still don't want to keep getting older despite how completely stupid and utterly impossible that is.I can't believe this is what i am crying about but when the memories flush in and nostalgia hits i get such a longing to be back there again when I didnt have to think about how i was going to get my bf to get a job and to try to make something of himself, or if it would be okay to hug my dad and tell my parents I love them...my biggest concern was doing division for math class...or if i was getting a scooter for my birthday. I want to stop time at some point. Life keeps getting harder...things more complicated....death more eminent. Worse part is I have classes from morning till night in a few hours and I cant stop sobbing over this...