I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child, although I did not recognize this until my early 30's. I grew up in a family of four but I might as well have grown up in an orphanage. I was a quiet, withdrawn, and sad child who was bullied at home and at school. My parents basically told me when I was 12 years old that there was something wrong with me and I should get it sorted out. I had no friends until about 15 when I started to drink. I was a happy drunk and drinking help me to connect with people. But my drinking was just a way of keeping the pain at bay.
After splitting with my ex in my late 20's, the darkness of my childhood returned, and alcohol no longer worked at hiding the pain. I regularly drank until I blacked out. I was very fortunate that I was able to get my drinking under control, but my ability to connect with people waned. It was at this point I started putting the pieces together and realized I might be suffering from a mental illness. After consulting with my doctor, I started taking antidepressants.
After the meds kicked in, it was unbelievable. Colours, food, music; everything was more vibrant. My mind was calm for the first time in my life.
I was able to attend night school for four years which allowed me to move into a more fulfilling career. My most important goal however was having a life partner I loved and cared for and who loved and cared for me, and to have children together. I had hoped having a family would give me a sense of belonging and human connection in my life that I had craved so much but had never really experienced without self medicating in some way. The scars from my childhood however kept me from being able to connect with people, and although I was no longer suffering from major depression due to the meds, the isolation over the years slowly rekindled my depression.
Now I'm in my mid 50's and I am still alone. My career, which gave me a sense of purpose and provided some stability in my life, has now been taken away by an employer who worked me into the ground; disregarding my concerns about how their treatment was impacting my mental health; and then laid me off when I refused to be moved into a role I was not qualified for and had no interest in performing. Now instead of coping with dysthymia, I am now again suffering from major depression and anxiety, and the career I worked so hard to establish appears to be lost.
I am trying very hard to see some light in the future, but all I can see is a lonely life without purpose ending with dying alone.
Day in day out my depression stares me in the face. I have no joy, happiness or calm in my life. The hobbies I've tried litter my home unfinished. The simplest things overwhelm me. Everything that once brought me peace, meaning no longer does. Reading, baking, gardening, listening to music, helping others. I have no pride in my home, myself, my family, my pets. I while away the hours wondering if...
I'm gonna start this post off by saying i am not the person in this abusive relationship, it is my oldest sister, I just went into her room to grab something and she was crying a lot and told me to get out, she never cried in front of my family and if she does she hides it, I would never know about it, I'm almost onehundered percent sure it's because of her abusive boyfriend, they are still...