My depression is full blown. Almost epic proportions. It started in August when the man I loved chose to be with another. But the way it all went down was cruel and filled with head games. One day he loved her, the next he wasnt sure and wanted me not to give up on him, and so on. But thats over, he settled in I guess and probably gave her an engagement ring for Christmas. But thats not the point now.
My depression, which Ive battled before, is worse than Ive ever had in my life. Im 42 and not where I should be in any aspect. Four months after my breakup I feel pathetic that it still hurts so deeply, and I wont meet anyone for a long time if ever because I have no social circle because I am so isolated. "Get out and meet people" is a common response. Not that easy. The friends I do have are married with normal lives and the co-workers I have are too much younger than me to hang around with. I have no peers with anything in common with a 42 yr old waitress/student because waiting tables and going to school is usually done by a younger generation. And to make it worse, the few friends that I am thankful to have have invited me to watch Saints games and my friend Mark and I have coffe, but the depression I am drowning in is causing me to retreat from these things. I cant help it, I just cant fake it for social occasions anymore. Its torture enough sometimes to go to work everyday (which I do)and pretend that I am content and normal when really I just want to leave. Then when I do leave I have nothing to do and even if I did I would dread that to because I am not happy anywhere. Sometimes I would just go to my apartment (the dungeon) as I call it, my lonely dwelling, and have alcoholic drinks and cigarettes and just "exist". I know of course drinking is NOT good, but I do sometimes (not always) just because. But that is not an issue because it makes me feel sluggish and waste money and feel lonlier so thats not the point either.
I felt so bad last week that after another marathon of crying and talking to God, I knelt in front of a hanging picture of Jesus and a picture of the Blessed Mother too and once again desperately prayed.I was so in need that I opened my bottle of Lourdes Holy water and put some on my head, begging God to heal my sick mind. Then I put some on my heart, asking that He heal that, then went as far as to put some on my eyes that I may see clearly and on my ears that I may listen better. It helped me feel alot better that night. But here I am, under water again.I prayed so much since August and cried so much since then more than in my whole life. My depression is worsening, and I am dying inside, not living not living at all. I dont like myself, my reflection, who I am or how I act. I have a good heart and am so compassionate but even that is affected by my pain. Im consumed with it and that makes me a selfish asshole. People are suffering more than I am and I am so thankful for the blessings I do have yet this awful cloud that I am beneath has blinded me from the light of any hope. This depression has me bogged down mentally and physically to the point where I feel like I live in the murky waters of the Mississippi River and the hellish currents are a steady pull on me as i struggle to get above the ol' black waters.
Im not who i used to be. And Im sick of it. He didnt love me. She is better to him in every way. Fine. But the fact that I have this depression on top of (or beneath) that bullshit from that douchebag is a fucking kick in the tits to a girl who never did anything to hurt anybody in her life.
Ive prayed to God to bring us back together in the early days of the breakup. Not meant to happen. I got that. Im cool. I have prayed to God to help me let him go. I have prayed to God to give me direction in my life (for years) and have prayed for someone that I can rely on for a change and that would love my mom and my brother too. My mom is older now and my brother is disabled and I worry about them I love them so much. I feel so isolated and they are all I really have but do not let them know of my struggles.
My point of writing other than to vent is that I dont know what else to pray for.I dont know what else to do to escape being tired of myself with not the drive, motivation, inspiration, or energy to fix it.
ANYONE here who is a spiritual or religious person, please dont think me selfish but I ask of you to say a prayer for me. That just sounds wrong to me, to ask for prayer for myself. it just sound selfish. I am sorry, I am just desperate. Im not suicidal, I would not do that to my family, I love them, or to my soul. But I am dead inside. I am not alive-well, im alive, but I am not living. And this is my life, Im 42 and its flying by and I am begging God to help me pull myself out of this valley and climb atop a hill. And I am asking anyone who understands this looong post to say a prayer for the girl who doesnt have a prayer left in her. And I ask that you know how much it meant that you took the time to read my thoughts and God Bless you for that. You are already a friend in doing so.