Morning to fellow aussies and gday to the rest of you worldly people.

I have been thinking lately of my insecurities and the issues I have and where they may have stemmed from and I realised that up till I was maybe 10 I had no issues with the physical appearance of my body. After hitting puberty early (roughly 10 or 11yrs old) and amoung the first to hit such a milestone in my school things went south quickly. I became very sexual very young (not having sex that young but omg the urges were strong even then) and the strong emotions that come with puberty confused me. I guess I didn't feel like I had friends back then too since I didn't confide in anyone about my thoughts and emotions, but I wish something like this forum was around so I could've had someone else relate but we're talking roughly 18 years ago now so computers were still relatively young technology. So back to my point; I have figured that my internal struggle with self acceptance and love has come from that time. I was picked on strongly for my looks (I am hairy but back in those days it was fine white hair and thanks to listening to the bullies I have shaved my arms, belly and legs since year 6 and now it's all thick black hair that constantly needs removal due to being noticeable). I was laughed at for having a crush on the popular boy who used to live behind me and we would spend time together as friends and pretty much made to feel not good enough for his friendship let alone anything more. I was never noticeably someone's first choice always the second or third if better people were taken. The list goes on I suppose. 

now I'm not ugly (I dont think so), I'm roughly 160cm tall, I have curves and sometimes when particularly depressed even rolls, my nose is straight and strong (hahaha it doesn't even lift bro) my lips could probably do with filling but they aren't horrible and my eyes are my favourite feature but I  hate how I look and how I feel in my own skin. I look at other women (not even lingerie pics just women in full clothing) and see their smooth skin, healthy complexions, hair, nails, clothing and I am filled with self loathing and jealousy. I went through a check out the other day and a lovely young girl was serving me she couldn't have been more then 20 (I'm 27) and I just thought " I bet my partner would rather her then me" and I just spiralled down from there. He wasn't even with me to make me feel insecure but I realised I do it to myself and I can't help it, I hate my body, skin, complexion, my lack of motivation to get better everything about me I hate and I hate myself loathing the most, vicious circle. My lack of motivation comes from thinking that getting skinnier and moisturising daily won't change anything so why try? See how this crap is depressing and draining?!? My partner tries to make me feel better but knowing my partner fantasises about other women just makes his words useless to me because due to my insecurities I need someone who doesn't see anyone else in their head, I need to be someone's all just like they for me because I don't fantasise about other men unless it's completely unrealistic eg liam Hemsworth seeking me out and me turning him down due to real life things or similar it's never sexual though (we have discussed this so I do know it happens and I'm glad he was honest with me at least and I think it's a normal thing for people to do but it feeds my insecurities). I dunno I just needed to get this off my chest i suppose since I've been spiraling for a few days about it all. Ahh well. Much love peeps but I should actually do my cleaning