I can understand your feelings .. especially when you are OCD. Just want to tell you that hating yourself puts you up against EVERYTHING ... and you will never win. An entire life of hate, despair, loneliness, grief, guilt, and sadness .... AT BEST.

i URGE YOU to discuss this with your therapist ... because that is the best thing mentioned in your entire post (that you have one).

Do not take loving yourself lightly. It is the gateway to all happiness ... so ask her/him to teach you ALL about it.

Good luck .... punishment will change nothing ... it will make things worse.

You need to turn yourself COMPLETELY around, or you will stay where you are.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Break ups are never easy and when you have depression and other issues as well it makes it much harder. First I would say you need to forgive yourself for being so needy in your relationship. You couldn't help that you needed a lot of reassurance and that you rissues were always getting the best of you. Try not to hate yourself for this. You were doing the best you could with what you had to work with. Be gentle and kind to yourself, YOu are hurting and been to take care of yourself. keep working with your therapist and post here any time. We are all here for you. Hugs.

There is no reason to hate yourself: you need to love yourself. This is just a step along the way of your life. it's good to confront what you did wrong, and learn from it; but it's also good to realise that everyone learns, you have learned faster than many, and in a couple of years this pain and humiliation will be behind you and you will be enormously wise.

And then you will meet the perfect guy. And you will be evolved enough to match him.

and you two will wander away happy as larry and have lots of babies and go holidays in barbados and all that stuff.

and this guy now will be a fond memory.

Ocd, depression and anxiety are diseases. And they are diseases you did not ask for. Would you hate yourself if you had, say, cancer, and had fears and needed reassurances? That being said, breakups hurt....no matter what the reason. I get that. But sweetie I think right now you need to make YOU a priority. I am a huge believer in therapy...you are on the right track. Give yourself a break, do some good things for yourself, and keep posting! :)

I feel your suffering, winesar. I have seen your many posts on the subject and rightfully so, how awful.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up partially because of my mental illnesses. He didn't like me having them. But they weren't going anywhere. Schizoaffective and anxiety are medicatable but incurable.

My ex also didn't like me being on SSDI for the rest of my life, and thought I should want to get a job. I worked for 10 years, I know it doesn't work out for me. I'm too batshit crazy to work.

My ex and I were also together for 2- 2/1/2 years so it was long enough to get really used to him and now I'm finding myself missing him that he's gone.

But my ex just didn't approve of me at all. Was rather ashamed of me in fact. Whenever we went to visit his big Catholic family (who were very sweet and whom i baked pies and cupcakes for) I always had to hide my witchcraft, my mental illness, the fact that I was on disability and didn't have a real job. And the shame stung.

What I told my ex when we broke up and I'm telling you is, as RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else." And I think that is really true. that's why I couldn't find lasting love with my ex, because he hated himself so projected his dissatisfaction onto me. He was incapable of loving himself so could not properly love me.

With time, you will learn to love yourself again and venture out into the world again for new love. I know I will too. It just takes time to heal.

If you hate yourself, then others will treat you the same way they see you treating yourself, it is called law of attraction.

If I was you I would STOP being critical of myself, and what you will soon find is that you are not such a waste of a person after all.

Things happen for a reason, and invariably for good, so stop mourning the loss of your boyfriend because it is likely he was no good for you long term.

I guess hating myself is a harsh way to put it. I am beating myself up for my wrong doings. I am trying to make a commitment to better myself and I'm struggling. I lost the most caring person in my life. I think we both had different timelines for things. I can't stop emailing him even if he doesn't reply. I feel the need to apologize even though it was both of our faults. I still have things I want back. I wish I could just disappear. I shared everything with this person and opened up about my struggles. I don't get how someone could be so cold and callous when they have been there for me and done everything to try to help me out. I lost my job this year and he supported me and dealt with all my crying and dissapointments. I want to make it up to home somehow.

>> I guess hating myself is a harsh way to put it. I am beating myself up for my wrong doings.

Don' think you are quite getting it. Hating yourself/beating yourself up .... is there much of a difference????

>>I lost the most caring person in my life.

This is why one MUST love themselves the MOST ..... because otherwise, their 'most caring person' CAN be lost ... which is a relatively easy thing to happen.

When you love yourself FIRST, you are highly protected from many of life's disappointments.

I agree with Wandering Vet, love of yourself is the greatest love of all, Whitney Houston said it all too exquisitely.

I know you're going to think I'm a real hard-ass, but nobody tells anybody the truth any more. They say whatever they think will make you feel better, and actually deny you the accurate reflection. The problem is you need the accurate reflection to know where you're getting it wrong. And without knowing where you are getting it wrong, you can't fix it. So here I go charging in where angels fear to tread:

I suspect one way you lost him was your lack of self control. If you want to purge - you purge at him. He is the thing you dump your emotional state on in the hope that this will release you from its burden. It's not working though; because he's not picking it up. He has learned, for the sake of his own survival, to leave you where you fall.

These emails are proof of this: you want to express how you feel. Good, bad, whatever - you want to express it to him. Not for his sake: for your sake. Not to help him: to help you.

so you are being self-indulgent.

What you have to learn to do is hold yourself. Don't do things you want to do. Just because you have this urge, does not make it appropriate. You have to stop.

If you stop purging yourself, you can grow. Without stopping you will stay the same size. the pressure of refusing to offload causes things inside you to buckle and shift, and become stronger and larger. Growth hurts and it takes enormous pressure.

If you can manage to do this, you will become a new you and it will be a fantastic you.

And I speak from BITTER experience when I say it hurts like hell, it's humiliating and debilitating, it comes from being naturally frank and honest - but you have to learn not to do it.

Thank you guys! All of this puts it into perspective! I am having a hard time loving myself and finding things to enjoy by myself and I'm trying to learn being ok on my own. My psychiatrist suggested I may have borderline personality disorder. I am sending all of the emails to relieve myself because I feel guilty. I feel like he has taken things I have said in the past the wrong way. I wanted to say sorry and tell him how much he is appreciated. He is a sensitive person as well and I always tried to make him feel appreciated but sometimes I said things I don't mean because of my ocd. I am carrying an immense amount of guilt. I want to keep sending him emails saying sorry. I believe he does care about me and my well being since he has been there for me since day one. I have never seen a man act more caring or go out of his way for someone like him. He has done so much for me and that is why I feel so guilty.

I feel like you're just like me. and I had to learn this the hard way.

One thing I noticed when my boyfriend left (same kind of thing happened) was that actually - here I was apologising, and being all doormatty - but he wasn't perfect.

He was okay at the time. But not a God. The Depression was what made me think he was a god.

Anyway I pestered him and we got back together, and then I moved in with him, and then things went very quickly downhill. At that point all of HIS insecurities showed up. And it just turned absolutely to custard. It was awful.

I don't think you have borderline personality disorder. I think people are too quick to fling these names around, leaving you reeling in shock. I just think you're in a vulnerable place right now, he's been your rock in the past and you're used to it.

I've had to learn to stand on my own two feet in my forties; and it was awful. But it was so very good for me. You're so lucky it's happening to you in your 20s. you get an extra 2 decades of life afterwards where you can live all empowered and in control because this hideous lesson is behind you. not so lucky, moi...

PRETEND A TREE IS U AND HACK ON IT BUT DONT TAKE IT OUT PHYSICALLY ON YOURSELF.
FORGIVE YOURSELF AND START A NEW CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE.
U CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW.
PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST..................................

You need to turn yourself COMPLETELY around, or you will stay where you are. "

GBU
DB
;-O