I've been struggling with too many things lately.  Used to think when things got really bad I would end my life but I don't think I have it in me and I don't believe in it anyway but then that just leaves horrible suffering.  That really scares me that there is no way out of this nightmare and it's going to get worse.  

I'm suffering physically every day with multiple health issues including cancer and also dealing with a horrifically toxic and cruel family.  I'm in my 50's but I can't get these people out of my life or better said, can't change their cruel behavior and make them treat me with respect and decency.  

I mean they are absolutely vile.  I think one good word for the lot of them is weak.  They would rather and it is easier for them to throw me under the bus and scapegoat me than face up to their own short-comings and adversion to taking responsiblity for their selfish and cruel behavior.

I had a bad night last night, dealing the pain, couldn't sleep, feeling like I wasn't even getting enough oxygen, terrified about my health and future and then I wake up and have two an emails from my father, phone call from my mother that were very hurtful and also hear about more sicko family machinations that just ignore me and my feelings and my situation.  I can't think of anything to do except call the sucide hotline because I don't have any friends other than people on here who will write to me.

How can I survive this way?  I can't.  I don't want to call the suicide hotline just to talk to someone.  It's awful.  I mean, that's my backup?  That's my plan for emotional support in lieu of friends or a relationship?  Not good.  It's all just too much.

I know I write about this all the time but I can't get out.  I'm trapped in this situation unless I do a full cut off I guess and I really don't want to do that.  Again, it's mainly because my elderly mother needs my help that I continue to be in contact with these monsters.

Actually, even if I did a full cut off, my damned extended family would probably be shaming me and guilting me and talking shit about me to my immediate family behind my back anyway.  They don't even know what is really going on with my family and they don't care.  There was an aunt I had confided in when I was sick and I recently found out she shared a bunch of private medical info with someone in my family that she knew treated me horribly and that I didn't get along with.

My family members are really selfish and mentally ill and there's nothing I can do about it.  It just leaves me alone and hurt and scared.  I can't stand talking to or relating to any of them.  They are sadistic.  I have literally screamed at them, "You are hurting me by your behavior.  Do you understand?" and I just get these blank stares or angry defensive responses or worse.  They use me and ignore me and abuse me and that's about it.  Nothing will change the situation I am in.  They are literally killing me at this point and I cannot get away from them.