I'm having a rough weekend. Not really sure what sparked it, I just feel down. Actually, that's not true, I'm pretty sure I know why I'm struggling.

I'm completely overwhelmed. I have an endless to do list. My house has once again become a complete disaster. A pig sty. A disgusting pile of crap. I took Thursday and Friday off to rest and get some things done...I rested more than anything else. I'm extremely lonely and wish I had someone to talk to. I dread waking up in the morning because I don't want to be at this job anymore.

My house - I tried my random method again, where I list different areas, assign them numbers, use a generator to pick a number, then tackle that area. This time I took far too many breaks, got late starts so I didn't maximize my time. I got some things done, but there's still so much more. I hate living in squalor, but it's so hard to get off the couch and do it. It gets to a point where it's so bad and so overwhelming that I just can't face it and it just gets worse. Even doing a few minutes at a time doesn't work.

Loneliness - I have one friend I actually spend time with. He's my ex and daughter's father, to some it might seem weird to be good friends, but it works. However, though he's my best friend, I need more. Most of my other friends live elsewhere so I never see them. I try to talk to them, but they're so busy with their own lives that no one can talk. It starts to feel one sided and that's pretty depressing on its own. My one other local friend (who I'm also completely in love with, but we can't be together, long story, don't want to talk about it) makes time to talk, but we can never get together to hang out because he has so much going on. I'm also busy so I really don't have time to go out and try to meet people, but I always have time for a phone call or text conversation. I also don't try to meet people because of my terribly low self esteem and complete lack of confidence. I've posted about those issues before. I'd feel better if I just had a friend or two, besides my ex, who I could text and who could actually respond and not drop off the face of the earth for days in between replies.

Job - I've been there 8 years. It's not a bad job, I don't mind doing what I do, I'm just burned out. I was basically told that I don't have any chance of being promoted (due to location, the explanation would make this way longer than it already is). On top of that, within the past two weeks, two people in the "right" location have been promoted. Only one deserved it, in my opinion. I've been there longer than either of them, but seniority doesn't mean anything, it's all about the extra stuff that I don't have the opportunity to do. So I decided that I'd take an exam to get a license that could help me get a better position in a different department. It's a pretty intense exam, I got my study materials in June and I should be taking the exam in early October. I started out strong with the studying, but got off track. Then it became like the cleaning, I'm so far behind that it overwhelms me and I can't face it. In the past I've had some success with procrastination and ending up with a ton of pressure, but I'm not sure it'll work this time. I've looked at other jobs elsewhere, but my skills and knowledge are limited. Anything I'm qualified for doesn't pay as much as I make now, and I'm already struggling financially. So I'm stuck and I hate it, yet can't make myself do what I have to do to improve my situation.

So now I'm just a lump on my couch, writing this and feeling sorry for myself, wishing I had people who actually seem like they care. I'm so jealous of people who have a circle of friends who they hang out with regularly, a nice group to turn to when needed...I just feel like a waste of space and air.