I had to go to a funeral last night. My best friend's mother-in-law died. By best friend Christina and her husband live with his parents. But just recently his mother died from a lung disease. She had been in the hospital for about 5 weeks. It was so hard seeing so many people cry last night. I gave my friend a couple of hugs of course. I brought her a stuffed animal to help her feel a little better. It kind of helped put a little smile on her face. We sent flowers to the funeral too. There were so many pretty flowers there.

Death has always been a very hard and difficult subject for me because I am absolutely terrified of my own death. I use to have quite nasty panic attacks over it. It is slowly getting better though. I still remember when I was still married to my ex-husband, I once had such a nasty panic attack that I ended up curled up on the floor in a little ball crying and freaking out. What calmed me down is that my 2 cats that I had at the time came right up to me and started to smell me wondering what was wrong. It can be quite interesting when you discover that pets can sometimes tell when something is wrong. They knew that I was crying and was very upset.

I have struggled with major depression since junior high and i'm now 32. So that is like at least probably like 17 years or even more than that of having major depression. I was taking an anti-depressant for a little while recently but I had to stop taking it because I was having such nasty side effects. It doesn't help that I also suffer from bad anxiety and schizophrenia. I plan on going back to see my psych. I have an appointment with him next week. The problem is that I have been on pretty much every anti-psychotic and anti-depressant on the market. I have had side effects with every single one except the anxiety med Lorazepam. I definitely need to go back on that. I am going to talk to my psych about seeing if there are any other anti-psychotics on the market that I can try. I am also in a few different therapy programs including seeing my counselor.