Tue.8/7 - FRUSTRATION - Fuck...Shit...Damn...sometimes that is all I have to say...I am so frustrated with everything...I said yesterday that I was going to write about my frustration but I didn't and now I more frustrated over more things...I guess I'll just start at the beginning...
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I enlisted in the Army Reserves. I enlisted because I wanted to serve my country, because I wanted to continue my education, and because it seemed like the right thing to do!...I was honorably discharged in 1994 when my son was 10 months old...I didn't re-enlist at the time because my husband at the time wouldn't let me and because I felt that my priority at the time should be my son. ... When 9/11 happened in 2001, I had a real strong desire to re-enlist but I didn't because by that time, my marriage had ended in divorce, I was now the typical single-mother struggling to raise my son, and my son at that time was still in Elementary School...I couldn't just ignore my responsibility to my son and go fight for the honor of my country...although I really really wanted to!...I think it was in 2009 when I went to College night with my son, that I started thinking about re-enlisting...but...again...I couldn't do it...I talked myself out of it because my son was still my son, he was still in high school and because I wasn't willing to make such an important decision without considering my current husband's opinion...although our relationship was not what I wanted it to be... I wanted and needed his opinion and blessing because he is after-all my husband... I tried discussing it with him a couple of times, but he just dismissed it like he does everything else...so I just put the thought on the back burner...until NOW!...I have no job, no income, my son just graduated from high school...he is going off to college...I have no money to fix my truck so he can take it with him...I have no money to go to Parent/Family orientation in San Antonio this week...hell I don't even have any money to go see the dr on a regular basis (I've already cancelled two appts because I have no money) or to get my medications...I screwed up my fin.aid at school...so I don't know how I am gonna go back to school this year...although I want to...and the truth is that now would be a good time to re-enlist and secure the rest of MY life. I already have 8 years, I can go for 12 years and retire with 20 years of service and full retirement benefits (I think)!...so it seems like a great idea!...Right?...Yeah, until Sunday night when I decided to waste time doing some research...and yes! it is a great time to re-enlist in the Army Reserves!...all the regular benefits!...plus a 10,000 bonus!...all my problems solved!...except for one thing!!!...I don't qualify!!!...really? I don't qualify? NOPE...I am too fucking old!!!!...I don't qualify!!!talk about being frustrated...I found the answer to most of all my problems and I can't benefit from it!!!...God! I am so pissed off...mostly at myself...cause I know that I fucked myself up ...AGAIN...with my PROCRASTINATION...how the hell do I get over this crap...I am just so frustrated and pissed of at no one but MYSELF!
Then, yesterday Monday, I decided to call my mom and let her know that I needed some money...I need money to go to San Antonio for Parent/Family Orientation!...well, with good reason, my mom decides to give me the riot act...about everything...my extended family doesn't help...because they are always pointing out my bad behavior...so my mom tells me that I should do this...and should do that...and I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't do that...she basically yells (not literally) at me like I am a child!!!...I am turning 45 in a week and my mother is the only person who can speak to me and reduce me to feeling like a disobediant little 10 year old child...I finally got off the phone with her after telling her I would call her back later which I didn't do...I mean I love my mom, but I don't want to be yelled at!!! and made to feel worse than I already feel!!!!...that's another reason I am FRUSTRATED! ...
And then of course there is today...I haven't done anything worthwhile...got up late...worried about everything and can't settle down enough to do anything that I have to do...just check out my status...it's my version of an actual bible verse... and it's how I've felt this whole damn summer...I want so much, need so much, but don't do anything to accomplish it...I try to live one day at time without accomplishing much of anything and it stinks...just FRUSTRATES me...I know I'm rambling and not making sense no sense at all but it's just how I feel...maybe later I'll post a quote about how I used to feel and how I now feel...I don't know...I need to get off of here and try to go do something productive before my chess club meeting tonight!...don't even know if I want to go but I told people would go...I don't know!