I was officially diagnosed with depression a year and some odd months ago, but I've been suffering from it for much longer. I have my good days, and I have my bad days. My good days are exactly that, they're good, I smile, the world turns and everything is okay. My bad days are horrible. I usually can tell before I even get out of bed. I mope around if I even get up. I get aggressive verbally and I try to shut everything out as fast and as efficient as I can. People usually rub me wrong without even trying those days and it can be silly things like popping their gum a few times or just forgetting to do something simple. None of this is really important I suppose, but I tend to ramble and this is really my first official topic-post here in this community so I thought I should shed some light on how I act personally.

I was usually okay while I was at college, though again good and bad days occurred but I had roommates and friends who always pushed their way into my space when I didn't want them there, but desperately needed them to be there. I had friends who I could rely on when things got out of control for me. I assumed I still had friends back home who would do the same, I mean I visited every few weeks, had fun, stayed on my medication and things were great. Then I would go back to school and mope for a day or two until my friends perked me back up from being home sick. I've graduated since then. January actually. I've never been more alone than any time in my entire life.

My friends here ran and scattered at the first signs on my depression, I haven't talked to any of them since a few weeks after graduation, when I've attempted I've been ignored or bluntly told that they "don't have time to deal with me right now." I wasn't asking for them to be there, hold my hand, and talk me out of a dark place. I wanted to hang out, have a good time and just relax like we used to. My friends from college are all moving on, finding jobs and making their own way out into the world. I'm happy for them, but I'm kind of jealous and sad at how fast my college experience lasted. They were friends for life, and don't get me wrong, I can call them, and text them, but they're not here. No one is here.

My only other friend, my best friend since high school is going to school hours away, we keep in contact often and she rarely if ever gets to come and visit. I was having a good day until we started talking and she accidentally let out that she was going to be in town this weekend, going clubbing and having a good time. I felt awkward when she asked at the last minute if I wanted to join her. Obviously I wasn't really asked to partake, but she felt obliged to ask me. I declined but now I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself. The last person who I thought would leave me behind, left me behind and tried to hide the fact.

I figured things would be fine after college. I'd get a job, make some more friends while still hanging out with the old ones. I haven't done much of anything except somehow push everyone else away. I haven't been lucky enough to find a job though I've been trying and my old friends are either too far away or are treating me like some plague victim. I'm sure I'll start feeling better about things tomorrow, or at least after this weekend, but I needed to vent, and I want, if not need, to sulk for a while. I'm just so tired of being alone lately.