I have been through different circumstances throughout the years that have led me to several bouts of counseling/therapy. As a result, I have come across some very kind, helpful therapists as well as many others who have also been through similar struggles (and some far worse)

Like you, I have also been hurt very badly (especially from dysfunctional family members) in the past. The thing is, I try very hard to understand now what makes people tick. When I took a long look at my parents and how they were brought up, I did begin to understand . They too came from a dysfunctional upbringing... felt unloved, unwanted. They couldn't do for us what they never felt or learned themselves. For me, understanding the whys of what people have done does help.

As far as forgiving and rebuilding relationships....... I read somewhere that it is possible (and sometimes necessary ) to forgive, but not continue a relationship. I would say, with him...you need to explain how you feel and ask if he is willing to work on your relationship. If you are still dealing with unhealthy, toxic people......they sometimes can't understand or even care what you are trying to tell them. Counseling has helped me in the past and I would say could also help anyone else struggling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. (And you are not alone. There are many also struggling)

I have heard a few victim statements .. where a family member says they forgive the murderer of a relative. I don't think that means they are 'cool' with it.

I think you may be setting yourself up to be hurt again. People seem to repeat their behavior.

Please don't take this the wrong way but why would you want to get back/stay with a man who as you said you treated you terribly? My late DH cheated on me and yes I forgave him but it was mainly because of our son and needless to say the relationship was never the same.

As for family, well I have a 22 year old son whom I feel in the pit of my stomach that 3 years ago had a hand in my late DH's passing (long story) and I'm to the point of forgiving him, but he's now just an after thought, meaning I cut him out of my life, yep my own firstborn! I had to do for my own sanity/peace to raise late hubby and my baby. Don't get me wrong I'll always love him and wish him the best and I did try to extend an olive branch but he kept chopping it off with how I wasn't this/that/and the other, so after the last time that was it!

I have an older sister and cut her out too! Sometimes we have to do whats best for us even if it means cutting out family! Some may say that's harsh but you have to think about your own well being.

Thanks so much for your replies. It means a lot to me and I think there is some valuable insight here.

Veggiequeen (love your username!) - I totally agree with you. I think empathy is probably the main building block on the road to forgiveness. My father died many moons ago and he did a lot of stuff in the course of my time with him that I didn't like, didn't understand, didn't agree with, but as I got older and began making peace with his death and all the crap he put me through, it was a lot easier once I realized a lot of it was him doing what he thought was best. I still don't agree with it and I wouldn't do many of the things he did, ever, but I understand him more now that I'm older and it made it so much easier for me to let it all go and make peace with him and his role in shaping who I am. I realize, too, that I need to do that here, but I still feel so betrayed by so many people I love and it's been a challenge. Because I really don't understand what I'm supposed to take from all this yet and that's making it hard to get to the making peace part. It's solid advice, though, and I totally appreciate it.

Wanderingvet - he knows I'm not cool with it. I do believe he (and the others who have been involved) didn't think it through. They didn't anticipate the outcome that I would be so hurt and angry by what they've done, or perhaps they were persuaded to believe that what they were doing was a good thing. But even though I believe I'm capable of forgiving them eventually, trust me, no one is under the impression that I'm okay with this stuff. I've made it very clear that I'm not. I've cut ties with plenty of friends already. But I do love them and some of these people are in my family. I don't feel right about not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, forgiveness is going to take some doing. Some of them deserve a second chance.

Gregsbaby - believe me, the same thoughts have gone through my head. I've seriously considered whether it's worth it to try to forgive him or to just wash my hands of the whole thing. It's complicated (what isn't?) and I have questioned myself and whether or not I am capable of forgiving him and allowing myself to trust him. Believe me, I have. And I do think he's worth forgiving and I do love him and want to be with him, so that's when I understood that forgiveness wouldn't happen overnight, and that it would be a process. It can't be a single "forgive-and-forget" moment. He's aware of that. I honestly think he did things that he didn't really bother to think through. Or he considered a different outcome and didn't expect this one. He's not a bad person at all - he's actually a very loving and compassionate and supportive guy. But he made some HUGE mistakes with me.

I actually agree with you. Sometimes cutting the rot from your life is absolutely the best and healthiest thing to do and you are so strong to have been able to do that with your son and sister. But the forgiveness is for me, not them. I don't want to hold onto the anger forever, I don't want to be resentful, I don't want to let it all make me bitter. I've seen a lot of people become bitter because they're still holding onto anguish from things that happened to them so long ago. I believe it's also a healthy step in overcoming anxiety and depression for me right now. But I understand where you're coming from and I'll keep your advice in mind. Thank you. :)

I'm sorry to hear that you are faced with some challenges with your friends, family and relationship. Life can really throw some sour apples at us! Forgiveness is tough but I've just recently learned that it is a decision. Just because we've decided to forgive doesn't mean all the hurtful feelings will go away. They will always be there. We will always remember them. I have forgiven and it wasn't easy and I've struggled for a very long time with it. I always thought forgiveness was a feeling and from what I've learned, it isn't. It's a decision to move forward without discussing past hurts with the person that hurt you or with anyone else. Another importance, is the people that you are forgiving. They need to show you and tell you things that build your confidence and trust back up. I'm not saying they need to bow down and ask for forgiveness but they need to express care, love and respect in all things that they do for you and with you. Special things from time to time. Invest themselves in your healing process. If you see no positives in these people, then maybe they need a little bit more work before you can openly trust them. Just take your time, allow yourself to mend, and be observant of what is going on around you. There is no harm in seeing a medical professional to help you process your betrayals. It is always good to have someone educated and experienced to walk along with you! Spiritual guidance is always good too! I've turned to both and I feel pretty good today. I am able to look and talk to the people I've forgiven without ill feelings.

Sunnyface - Thanks so much for your reply. I read it over a few times and it seems that you truly understand what I mean by forgiveness. I want to get to the point you're describing here: Where I can move forward and heal and forgive to the point where it's not going to be something I'm holding on to, and won't have to be something I'll feel compelled to bring up in the future because I'm still smarting over it and was never able to move past it.

I think this is actually amazing advice - to let those that hurt me know they will still have their place in my life if they work with me and show me that they care enough about me and our relationship by helping me through it the right way rather than continuing to do the things they know are hurtful. Thank you for suggesting it. I actually do feel like it would help.

I have been praying. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes and I haven't been perfect, either. I've been forgiven and I've tried to atone for my mistakes, too. I've been looking to my faith for the means to forgive as I've been forgiven. But atonement was a process, too, just as my own forgiveness will be.

Thanks again for the insight and thanks for validating the fact that it isn't easy. You've truly made me feel understood and much less alone.

First, I think you're taking on too much trying to figure out forgiveness with a large group. First your boyfriend. You love him, so I would try to understand what happened. If someone is sorry and you think it won't happen again, I think they can be forgiven. However, if it looks like there will be a continuing series of the same thing, and no real acknowledgement and willingness to change, then you have to either accept that is who he is or go on regardless of your feelings.

you have to ask your self first if you are not just wanting the fantasy of what you think this guy should be to you, and your not looking at the facts. A leopard doesn't change their spots. As another here said, you may be setting yourself up for failure by pursuing a relationship with someone you already know can hurt you..that has nothing to do with forgiveness, that's taking care of your heart.

As far as the friends who hurt you, define what exactly it was that hurt you, were you already in a vulnerable state, and what happened may have been miss-read possibly. If not, and you truly felt slighted by them, it's up to you whether you feel they are good enough friends to pursue a relationship with them. In life we really only have a handful of people we call close close friends, those usually are worth working through any problems with, most of the other people we call friends are really more of acquaintances , and they come and go in our lives.

Friends and lovers come and go, but family is always there. So forgiving them is a bit more complicated. You have to decide if what ever was said or done by whom ever can be discussed with them and some understanding can be reached, and then forgiveness comes after that.

rosecandy...I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your response! It makes me feel so good that I can give helpful advice in this area because I never could find anybody to tell me, honestly, what forgiveness is and what happens after you've said it. It is a long hard,road but it is doable! I do wish you the best of luck. I wish you healing and resolution and always remember your worth. You are special and you are here for a purpose! We all bring something wonderful to this world so don't let anything or anybody take you down. Many blessings, my friend!!